I watch her walk away, torn between going after her and pressing forward with things. I don’t want to lose whatever edge I got, and I don’t want to give up the key. I’ll never get it back if I hand it to Baron, and I’m sure he could persuade anyone else to hand it over to him. After all, he’s the leader now that Royal’s gone. I could give it to Colt and go after Lo, but I don’t trust the guys not to jump him the second I’m not around—especially if he’s holding the key they want.
Colt must be thinking the same, because he catches my little finger with his and gives it a squeeze. “Go,” he says, ducking his head and speaking into my hair so the others can’t hear him. “I’ll check on Gloria.”
“You’re unspeakably awesome,” I say, squeezing his finger before releasing him.
“You might even say super mega fine.”
I toss my car keys to him and head inside with the Swans. Once again, a chill goes through me. I’m the only girl, alone with five guys. But even if they did the same thing all over again, I know I’ll live. Instead of feeling despair that I don’t matter, that my wants don’t matter, I lean into it. It doesn’t matter what they do, because I don’t matter.
But it matters what I do. My actions can still matter, even if I don’t. And if I can fix my mistakes, if I can make things right or at least make up for some of the selfish and hurtful things I did in my pursuit of destroying the Dolces, maybe I can matter again, too.
thirty-seven
Harper Apple
When we walk out of the basement into the stormy night an hour later, I am officially a Midnight Swan, the first and only female member. I was sworn in, and now I’m part of something, a member of a society that has each other’s backs for life.
I’m not naïve enough to think they’ve suddenly started seeing me as their equal, but it’s a step in the right direction. They’ll get used to seeing me in the meetings, accept that I’m one of them, and eventually, they’ll see my dedication to the group. Then, they’ll have my back. Right now, if they did something for me, it would be out of begrudging obligation, the way they admitted me. But one day, they’ll see I’m worthy. For now, having a place at the table, on the throne, and in their boys club is enough.
I find Gloria sitting on the hood of my car, two empty Styrofoam cups beside her. The rain hasn’t come, but the storm clouds have moved closer, and lightning flickers overhead. A breeze has blown up, but it’s a hot one.
“Did y’all leave in my car?” I ask.
“We just ran down to get floats at Two Scoops of Love,” she says.
“Where’s Colt?”
“In the car,” she says. “Probably jerking off in your back seat. He’s such a freak.”
“He’s my friend.”
She glances at something behind me and quickly shoves one of the cups into my hand. “I got you a shake,” she says loudly. “To celebrate your induction. I’m not interested, but I’m still happy for my girl.”
I give her a look, but before I can ask why she’s gone full on fake, Cotton joins us. “Sweet ride,” he says, looking it over. “This yours, Apple?”
“Yep,” I say, leaning my elbow on the side and holding the empty cup Gloria handed me.
“Where’s Colt?”
“How would I know?” Gloria asks, giving a fake laugh and running her fingers through her sleek hair. “I wouldn’t hang out with that creep if you paid me. That’s why I’m out here. So he wouldn’t try talking to me.”
Cotton shakes his head. “Rylan’s going to find out, but it won’t be from me.”
“There’s nothing to find out,” Gloria says with a nervous little giggle.
Cotton shoves his hands in his pockets. “I just wanted to tell Colt to watch his back. He may still be a Swan by the official rules, but the Dolces will never accept his membership.”
“Why are you telling us this?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at him. I’ve been around Cotton plenty, but like Dawson, I’ve barely ever spoken to the guy. All I know about him is his predilection for unconscious girls, so I’ve stayed away from him as much as possible.
“The Dolces are my boys, but that doesn’t mean I’ve rewritten history,” he says. “I grew up with the Darlings. Hell, Devlin Darling taught me to drive a stick, and Preston was my first fist fight. I’ve known Colt since we were stuck in the shallow end of the pool together. He’s good people.”
“And yet, you helped destroy his life,” I say.
He rocks back on his heels and raises his brows at me. “You want to point fingers for that?”
“Nope,” I admit. “Thanks for the heads up.”
“Don’t mention it.” He gives Gloria a two-finger salute. “Later, neighbor.”