But Royal’s not afraid to die. He would have just walked away with me, daring Preston to shoot.
“You saved my life?” I ask at last.
Royal nods. He’s just standing there watching me, like he’s waiting for something.
“Why?” I ask. “Why would you do that?”
“He didn’t know you were there. You would have died.”
I struggle to keep my breathing under control. I can’t get enough oxygen, and I’m starting to hyperventilate. “I’d rather have died,” I say. “I didn’t want you to save me.”
“Yeah,” he says. “I got that.”
I want to scream. I didn’t want him to save my life. I don’t want to owe him, to feel anything for him, not even obligation. But I do. I feel way too fucking much. Hatred is not a big enough word to describe it. I want to obliterate his soul, to rip him to shreds until there’s nothing left of him but molecules too small for the human eye to see.
“Then why did you?” I demand. “You left me to die in that swamp, Royal. You told the twins to kill me.”
“I went back for you,” he says quietly.
His choice of words sends ice water down my spine. He didn’t come back for me that night. Only the twins came back. I listened for him, when the others came, but he wasn’t there. I’d been his plaything, and when he was sure I was broken, he got bored, tossed me in the trash, and walked away.
“You said I was dead to you.”
“I looked for you all summer.”
“I wish I was dead to you,” I choke out. “I wish we both were. I will never look at your face without picturing the moment you’re dead and I can finally breathe again.”
He steps toward me, but he stops, his fingers curling, as if he’s holding back from reaching for me. “Then let me breathe for you until you remember how. Because I’m not going anywhere, Harper.”
“Why?” I whisper. “Why did you come back? Why do you keep coming back?”
“I didn’t want you to die.”
I stare at him, and I know this is the closest thing to an apology I’ll ever get.
This is Royal admitting remorse.
That’s the best he can do. But it’s not enough.
Maybe once, it would have been, but not anymore.
I deserve more.
“You looked for me,” I say slowly. “And then you found me. You found me at my house, and you followed me to Preston’s. You must have known then that’s where I’d been hiding all that time.”
He nods, letting me put it all together without interrupting with his side of the story.
“But you didn’t take me when you could have. Why? What bargain did you make with him, Royal? I deserve to know.”
“No bargain.”
“Then what?”
“I didn’t want you to die,” he says again.
“Why’d you let me stay with your enemy, though?” I ask. “Preston’s the one you hate worst, the one who dares to fight back, even if it’s just a little. He’s the only one who refuses to bow and accept defeat. And you finally found him—and me. Why didn’t you just kill him and take me with you?”
“I told you why.”