“I have nothing to say to him that can’t be said with fists,” I say. “I don’t even know him.”
“Lucky bastard,” Duke mutters, yanking at the ties on his hands.
“Let’s get this over with,” Baron says. “What do you have for me, Jailbird? Hit me with your best shot.”
“You don’t get to call me nicknames anymore. We’re not friends, and we never were. And I don’t have much to say to you, either, besides that you’re a worthless piece of garbage that your mother probably prayed she’d miscarry into the toilet every time she went to the bathroom. I think you’re the one who needs to do the talking now.”
He glances at Royal, a frown darkening his brow, before returning his gaze to me. “It was just us,” he says, nodding to either side. “The three of us. After we dropped Royal off, we picked up Dawson, and then we went back for you.”
“That’s not possible,” I say, shaking my head, trying to fit this with the reality of what I experienced, the nightmare of the night that never ended.
“It is,” Duke says, giving me a small smile, the ghost of his awe-shucks grin. “We wanted to fuck with you, make you think it was all different guys. See, I like to drink, and Baron likes to tag team, so he’d been working on this little… Chemistry project to cure whiskey dick.”
“And that’s how a little cocktail that you might know as Alice in Wonderland was born,” Baron says, looking so fucking proud of himself I want to castrate his ass. “Or maybe you’ve heard it called Lady Alice, or the Pearl Lady, or Blue Pearls.”
“We convinced Dawson to go with us, and we all took a few pearls so we could go all night, and then we went back to Wonderland to find our Alice,” Duke says.
I widen my stance, pressing my boots into the packed dirt, trying not to sway on my feet. I can’t seem to get enough oxygen, and I think I might faint if I get more lightheaded. I shake my head slowly back and forth, hoping that if I keep moving, the dizziness will pass and I won’t black out.
“Pretty clever, right?” Duke says, grinning up at me hopefully. “We put on some body spray and different stuff, and moved around and made noise, so you’d think it was everyone.”
I stare at him, trying to swallow but unable. I think I’m going to puke in his face.
“Wow,” I say at last, slowly beginning to clap. The noise sounds far away and small in the huge warehouse. “You didn’t bring your buddies to gang rape a girl. You only made herthinkyou did. You’re an excellent human being, Duke Dolce. Give yourself a fucking gold star.”
He looks up at Royal behind me, confusion written across his face. “I mean, that’s good, right? It was just us.”
“You know, you’d think I’d care,” I say.
The truth is, I want to be relieved, and I think I should, but there’s only rage inside me. It’s too late. The damage was fucking done. I can’t undo it just because I know the truth. I can’t undo months of nightmares, not knowing how many of them fucked me, stepping up to take their turn in a silent procession, stripping away my dignity and humanity. I can’t undo the memory of it, the horror of feeling them closing in on me, not knowing who they were or what they’d do, strangers touching me and pushing inside me one by one, taking everything from me until there was nothing left, not even my soul.
I can only know that these boys intentionally made me think that just to psychologically torture me more than they already had. What kind of person even thinks up something so horrific? I like to understand people, to see things as they might, but this is beyond my ability to comprehend.
“So, what are you going to do?” Baron asks. “Because we’ve been here a while, and my shoulders are cramping.”
I just stare at them, and it feels so hollow. Royal brought me a fucking prize, but I can’t enjoy it. I’m not like them. I’m not that sadistic. Hurting them won’t undo the hurt they caused me. They’ll never understand what they did. They can’t. I’m not sure they’re capable of real remorse, anyway.
“Fine,” I say. “I’ll do what your brother wanted and knock you out.”
I step behind Duke and see that they’re zip tied. I look up at Royal, who tosses me down a knife. I catch it, and my eyes meet Baron’s, and some understand passes between us. I could cut him. I remember when he cut off my clothes, and he told me he wasn’t going to cut me. Like that was the worst thing he could do. And now Baron knows that I could cut him. I could carve him up, and Royal wouldn’t stop me. He’d sit there and watch the same way he watched them punish me.
And for some reason, that’s the moment it clicks for me—what a momentous gift he’s giving me. Not in that I suddenly value it more, since it means next to nothing to me, but in that I understand how much it means to Royal. In his twisted mind, this is a huge sacrifice, a public show of his respect for me. He’s not bowing down to me—Royal doesn’t do that—but he’s lifting me up, showing his boys that I am not to be fucked with, that I am a boss, too, maybe even his equal.
He could have kicked their asses to avenge me, but he didn’t. He deferred to me. I know how much he must have wanted to mete out this punishment himself, how hard he’s holding himself back to let me get the revengeIwant instead of going ballistic and doing it for me, getting the revenge he thinks I deserve. And though he didn’t bring an audience because that would expose what was done to me to people outside the group who did it, he’s making a point. The three of them are witnesses, and they’ll make the rest of the school falls in line. Royal’s making a statement, and they’ll spread it like gospel: I’m not only under his protection, but I have his blessing to do whatever I want on my own, and he’ll support me.
Suddenly, I don’t just feel strong. I feel invincible. For the first time in my life, I have power. Not just protection, like I had as Royal’s girlfriend, but something that’s all mine, even if it’s derived by my association with him. I feel it swelling inside me with the realization that I can do anything I want right now. These boys are too scared of Royal to stop me, and he owes me too much to stop me. As tempting as it is to gorge myself until I’m drunk on this new sensation, wreaking havoc and raining down fire on those who have wronged me, I pull back. I could paint the pit with their blood, but I won’t.
I’m smarter than that, smart enough to take this currency and leverage it into something more than one night of revenge. I’m not impulsive. Sometimes I let myself pretend I was with Royal, but it was just for fun. It’s not the way I want to live my life. It’s like winning ten thousand dollars in the lottery. My mom would quit her job, go balls to the wall with partying, and blow it on a week or a month of debauchery. I’d pay the rent, apply for the best schools, buy some nice clothes for an interview with the admissions board, and fly out to visit the best schools. Maybe her way is more fun, but after the party, she’d be right back where she started, and I’d be out of here forever.
I remember Colt saying I attacked everything with brute force. Maybe he was right at the time, but I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t attack every challenge with a sledgehammer. A wrecking ball is not the only way to demolish a condemned house.
I cut Duke’s zip ties and stand back, watching him rub his hands together and roll his shoulders. “You want me to fight you?” he asks, nodding to the pit behind me. “Because I don’t hit girls.”
I could laugh at the irony, but I don’t. I’m focused now. Power comes with responsibility, after all. I won’t be a glutton and use it all at once like some novice who’s never tasted the sweet uncertainty in someone’s eyes when they look at you like you’re someone who could hurt them. I may have no experience with it, but I have a brain. This power has to be used carefully if I want it to last.
“Are you the one who burned me?” I ask, thinking of the D that’s branded into the back of my hip, the ugly scar that makes me unable to look over my shoulder into the mirror without reliving that night. It’s small, not even an inch tall, but it’s all I see.
“Burned you?” he asks, standing and smirking down at me. “No, baby, I didn’t burn you. I just left my mark so I know where I’ve been.”