When I call Willow Heights on Monday, they give me the same runaround about not having a scholarship. If I had money, they’d make it happen, but I don’t. Then again, if I had money, I wouldn’t need a scholarship. The next two days, my hope fades when it’s more of the same. I may have only missed a few weeks at Willow Heights, but I’ve missed a month at Faulkner, and I’m just getting further behind by postponing it. So, I don’t bother calling on Thursday. I walk to the corner, ignoring the handful of gangbangers sitting on an old red El Camino across the street.
“Hey, baby,” calls a familiar voice. I turn to see Maverick sitting on the hood of the car, gesturing for me to come to him like the lazy asshole he’s always been. I cross over because I have nothing else to do, and there’s no use fighting.
“I hear you been selling your ass to some rich guy,” he says, looking me up and down with slow appreciation. “That true?”
“So what if it is?”
A couple of his buddies crack indulgent smiles as they look me over in their too-cool way, watching with lazy disinterest, their feet dangling against the side of the car.
“What’s he got that I don’t?” Maverick asks, a little challenge in his voice.
“Money.”
“Bet he doesn’t give you what I did.”
“Nobody gives as good dick as you, Maverick,” I say, batting my eyes. It’s what he wants to hear. I’ve always liked watching people, but lately, when I can watch with complete detachment, I’ve learned not just to watch, but to deliver. That’s what whores do, after all.
Mav’s friends slug his tatted shoulders, giving him props. He puffs up a little, and I’m glad I made him feel good. I have nothing else to give, nothing to offer, but I can do something kind for someone else when it costs me nothing.
“So why haven’t you come around?” Maverick asks, reaching for me.
I pretend I don’t care when he slides his hand down my wrist and takes my hand. Maybe, if Preston hadn’t fucked me from the start, I’d have some weird aversion to touch. But he didn’t give me time to get frigid, to get weird about sex. I’ve been having it since the day after the assault. I’m not scared of sex, of touch, of anything. I am an undisturbed pond—still, shallow, reflective. I show him what he wants to see.
Only Royal can make ripples in the serene surface of my nothingness.
“Since when have you been hanging with the Crossbones?” I ask, jerking my chin toward his friends. “I heard you’re selling. I thought we were about more than this. We were going to get out of here.”
“No,youwere going to get out,” he says. “You and Zeph. You’re not about that small town life. Y’all can get out, do something bigger.”
“So can you.”
He grins. “I’m not like you, baby. Faulkner’s in my blood. This is my town. I was born here, and I’ll die here.”
“If that’s what you want,” I say with a shrug.
“It might be,” he says, licking his lips and looking me up and down.
“That’s not how I remember it, but whatever.”
Maybe he was just saying what I wanted to hear to get in my pants, or maybe we’re all growing up, cutting away our childhood fantasies, and facing reality. And who am I to judge? Girls like me do what we have to do to survive, and so do boys like him. His brother’s been running with the Crosses for years. It was only a matter of time before Mav got sucked in, too.
He’s not stupid. He knows his chances. And hell, if I had a whole gang to have my back when I needed them, I wouldn’t be where I am.
Blue and Olive approach on their side of the street, Olive hopping over the cracks in the sidewalk, singing “Gangsta’s Paradise.”
“Sing it, sister,” calls one of the Crosses.
“You going to school?” I ask Maverick.
“Nah,” he says. “Want a ride?”
“I’m okay.”
“If you’d rather, I can give you a little blue pearl, and you can ride me all day.”
I think about it for a second, about how life would be if I joined. I know how girls get in. Ironically, that gangbang would protect me. But I’d be stuck here, and I’m not ready to give up that one last seed of hope, the only thing that’s regrown inside me.
I tell Maverick I’ll think about it, and I turn to walk over to the bus stop. Blue gives the guys a shy wave.