I block his handle from messaging me. Then I delete the app from the computer, though I know now that it comes with the browser, and there’s not really a way to delete my account.
But I did it. I found his secret, and I exposed him.
Maybe that means I’m a cancer, too. Maybe I’m more like Royal than I want to admit, more twisted, more cruel. To do what I just did… I know that I am. A good man can’t take down a family like the Dolces, and neither can a good girl. Their family fights dirty. To take them down, I can’t go through the legal channels or even play by the rules. I have to fight dirty, too. I have to play by my own rules, and the truth is, my rules are their rules, the only rule they’ve ever played by—all is fair.
They released a video of me with an older man. Now I’m releasing the story of him with an older woman. Our secrets may be the same, but as always, the difference comes down to money and power. I didn’t have so far to fall. I never had much, so I don’t have much to lose. Rich people have so much more to lose when their dirty little secrets come to light. People like Royal, they fall so far.
I always wanted to watch them fall, but there’s no triumph in it. It’s as bitter and empty and raw as my heart. I know this is it, that it will break them. I just didn’t expect it to shatter me, too. I didn’t anticipate just how ugly it would feel, how exposed I feel. I didn’t know that shining a light on his darkest shame would be like shining a flashlight into a mirror. It doesn’t just illuminate. It reflects back my own darkness. The truth I don’t want to admit.
Even if I tell myself it’s for the right reasons, even if I’m doing it for someone else’s good, I’m still doing it. It doesn’t matter what he’s been through or what I have. Underneath all the trappings and trauma, the money and poverty, the power and status, in the darkness of our souls with only a flashlight and a mirror, I have to confront the truth. The dark side of him is another half of my soul, the reflection in my own mirror. That’s why staring into his eyes is so disconcerting. In them, I don’t just see emptiness. I see the same monster that I see in the mirror.
By exposing him, I’m exposing myself, too. I have to admit to myself that I’m capable of the same evil. That all along, I haven’t been drawn only to the damaged boy who strives to be good to me. I’m drawn to the monster, too. The side of him that terrifies and thrills me, and most of all, sets me free. That side of him recognizes me for what I am, even when I don’t want to see it myself. It lets me be myself, my own monster, in a way no one else ever has. Now, I’m forced to face that darkness on my own, without him by my side. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough to defeat it.
*
Freedom
At the top of the slope,
Just as you push off,
There’s a rush like flying
Off the bridge before you hit the water
Over the tracks before the train hits you
The thrill that this time
It might be over.
You won’t have to think about
The sister you killed,
The brothers you failed,
The men you disfigured,
The lives you’ve ruined,
The girls you’ve broken,
Ever
Again.