I wave to them and head out, feeling as if I just lost something. I know it’s just me, that Royal doesn’t even know I found out his secret, but I need the closeness I feel when we’re together. Fuck. I don’t want to need him, to need anyone, but this school has broken me down. I have at least one real friend, three if I count the twins. What I don’t have is any damn sense, falling for a guy like Royal, needing him and the feeling of being part of something that settles into my chest when we’re at the river together. It’s something I don’t get from anyone else, that sense of belonging, not just with him but to him. I never in my life thought I’d want to feel that way about anyone. But Royal’s not just anyone.
I want to belong to him. It makes me feel special, almost proud. He makes me feel needed in a way I didn’t know was missing, a way I didn’t know I needed. His brothers make me feel like part of something. Gloria is icing on the cake. All of them together have accepted me, even when I didn’t notice it happening. And now I don’t want to lose that, to lose any of it. Somehow, I fit into it, the puzzle of the four of them. I’m the fifth element, the missing piece, the one that completes the whole somehow. I’ve never been a part of a whole, something necessary for the unit to function. It’s not just about missing them when I ride home alone that afternoon. It’s about feeling like they’d miss me if I was gone.
At home, I try to do homework and not worry about Mr. D. I still need to get something for him, since I can’t tell him what I know about Royal, even if it would ruin the Dolces. In a town like this, a small town in the Bible belt, a scandal like that would bring anyone down. Sure, laundering money is shady, but it’s the titillating sexual rumors that would do them in. That’s what the ladies who lunch will really blow up into a scandal.
I can’t focus on homework. Every time I try, I picture that woman he blew smoke into. I trust he used protection, but it still makes me shudder, knowing his cock was in her, that she paid him for his body. I go outside and meet Blue and share a cigarette. When she asks me what people like us could possibly have in common with people like the Dolces, I tell her I don’t know.
Eventually, I manage to finish my homework and make a box of hamburger noodles for dinner. Then, I sit down and plan. Mr. D wanted info on the Swans. I don’t have to tell him about Royal. I just need info on the secret society, starting with when they meet.
Royal and his friends all played football on Fridays, so it can’t be then. He does his side hustle on Sunday. He wanted to meet on Saturdays before I nixed that idea, which means he’s free that night—no Swans meeting. Monday and Wednesday we met at the river all last semester, and sometimes we stayed until well past midnight. Which leaves Tuesdays and Thursdays as the options for Swan meetings. Since New Years Eve was on a Thursday, and they had a meeting that night, I put my money on that night.
Unfortunately, that’s also the first night Royal wants to meet at the river since school started up again. Some part of me instantly draws back, wanting to refuse. I feel for him, but he’s also cheating on me… In my fucked up mind, anyway. He’s not actually cheating. He told me flat out from the start that he couldn’t have a girlfriend. I just never knew the reason why would be so fucking heartbreaking.
But I can’t very well refuse without him getting suspicious, so I climb in the Rover, and we head toward the bridge. It’s one of those warm days in January that make people forget Arkansas has winter at all. Royal pulls the car along the side of the road, and we head down the bank like we did that day a month ago. We do our thing, and then lie together on the blanket Royal keeps in his car. I wonder if he’s ever used it with one of his clients, but I push the thought away.
I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to act normal while we were having sex, but it was all too easy to forget. Which I suppose is a blessing, since I don’t want Royal to know I found out and then feel weird around me. I hold him tight afterwards, lying on his chest and pressing my ear to his heart, listening to the heavy beat. “Did your brother go back to New York?” I ask at last.
“Yeah,” Royal says, his voice sleepy as he lazily runs his fingers through my long hair. “A few days ago.”
“How often do you see him?” I ask, laying a palm on his chest and resting my chin on the back of my hand so I can see him while we talk.
“Not too often,” he says. “Holidays. He just came down to see Dad because Dad didn’t go to New York with us.”
“When will you go up there again?” I ask. “Spring break?”
“Nah,” he says, continuing to stroke my hair. “The guys want to go skiing this year.”
“You mean the twins?”
“Them, Cotton, DeShaun, Dawson,” he says. “A few other guys from school.”
My chest tightens, but I try to keep my voice light, so he won’t know it bothers me. “And the Walton sisters?”
“Them and their friends, too.” Royal tilts his head to look down at me, a knowing smirk on his lips. “Are you jealous?”
There’s no use hiding it. Royal’s knows me too well. “If there’s even a tiny chance your dick will end up in someone else, then I’m jealous as fuck.”
He squeezes his arms tight around me. “Then come.”
I stare at him, knowing that’s impossible and that there’s a reason I wasn’t invited even though I’m a Dolce girl. They knew I couldn’t afford it. I’ve already talked to Royal about traveling after a few of our hookups. It blew his mind when I told him I’d never been out of the state. And I know he doesn’t mean it, that the invitation is a spontaneous, impulsive one. We both know we can’t last. We might not even be together by then. But still. For one moment, I let myself dream like an innocent, like someone who still believes her fantasies can come true.
And then I protect whatever pieces of my heart I haven’t already given him by laughing it off like I’m not interested in all that.
“Isn’t that kinda… Boyfriend-ish?” I ask. “We’re just fucking, remember?”
“Come on, I’ll pay for you. And you can make sure my dick doesn’t end up anywhere you don’t want it,” he offers, sliding his hands down and squeezing my ass. “Except maybe here.”
“Wow, my ass is worth a trip to Aspen now? I thought it was only worth dinner at Cliff’s.”
“Maybe not Aspen,” he says. “But lucky for you, we’re going to Park City this year.”
“This year?” I ask. “So you just flit off to go skiing any time you want?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t I?”
“God, it’s like you live in an alternate universe.” It’s not like I’ve never heard of someone skiing. I had to listen to all the kids at Faulkner recount their spring break trips to Aspen and Destin every year. I just never paid that much attention. They were the rich kids, and their lives didn’t affect me.
“We’re renting,” he offers. “We don’t even have property there. It’s not that absurd.”