“You’re here now,” I whisper. “That’s what matters.”
He kisses me, that hungry, obliterating kiss that makes me forget everything, that makes me forget why I need to remember. After a while, I tighten my leg around him, pulling him in and letting him feel how ready I am. He rolls over onto me, claiming me, destroying me.
Being with Royal fills me with a satisfaction I’ve never felt before—the feeling of being needed, and more than that, being able to fulfill someone else, to be what he needs. And that in itself is what I need. There’s never a point where it’s enough, where I won’t need it anymore. He’s caught me, like a fly in amber, suspended in the bliss of his hunger for me.
I know I won’t walk away from this. By the time he’s done with me, I won’t be strong enough. I might survive it, but I won’t be able to do it myself, even when it needs to be done. Every time we’re together, he takes a part of my soul, as if it can replace the one he lost. And every time, he leaves me weaker than before, like some soul-sucking vampire. He hasn’t broken me, but he’s slowly draining me, depleting me, until I know that even when I want to, I won’t be able to leave.
When it’s time for this to end, he’ll be the one to walk away. He’ll have to. Because even when it’s over, I don’t think I’ll ever stop needing him to need me.
*
sacred spaces
don’t go back, they say,
it’ll trigger you.
don’t return to the scene of the crime,
it’s what criminals do.
don’t turn off the lights,
that’s when the monsters come.
don’t dare the rushing water,
or stare down the barrel of a gun.
they think i’m weak.
they’re wrong.
they think i’m out of control.
i’m strong.
the darkness doesn’t tell my story.
the monster is my friend.
the bridge does not control me.
i decide when it ends.