“Devlin, no,” I say, moving toward him, my feet suddenly unglued from the floor. I stop in front of him. “Listen, I get it. Your cousin made you prove your loyalty, and you did. It wasn’t ideal, and yeah, I wish the rumor hadn’t gone the way it did, but it’s not like we hadn’t hooked up before. It’s not like… Like I didn’t want you to.”
“You said no,” he says quietly, his eyes searching mine. They’re still as deep as the lake I saw that first day, but the ice is gone, and all I see now is the pain in the depths of that endless blue.
“Devlin,” I say, pain twisting in my own heart. I step closer to him, until our bodies almost collide, and raise my hand to cup his cheek. I wait until his gaze meets mine to go on. “You were protecting me from them. I was saying I didn’t want them. I never said no to you.”
His lips tighten, and then he reaches up and takes my hand, pulling it away from his face. “You did, Crystal. You said no. Twice.”
“Not to you,” I say, shaking my head. “I can’t believe you’ve been thinking all this time… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize to me,” he growls. “Not after what I did to you.”
“Devlin, I know what you’re talking about,” I say. “I did say no. I said it once to Preston, and once to Colt. I never said no to you. I… I wanted you to do what you did.”
My heart is hammering in my throat at the admission.
Devlin stares at me a long minute. “How could you want that?”
“Because I did,” I say. “I was never saying no to you. I couldn’t if I tried. You know that, Devlin. You know I liked it, even there, even like that. You must have felt that.”
Color rises to my cheeks as I remember all those people watching. I didn’t care. My body wanted Devlin’s, always, no matter what. I was wet for him. I would have come if he had kept going. I’m glad he didn’t. It’s humiliating enough that they saw me the way they did. I don’t need them to have seen me even more vulnerable.
“Fuck, Crystal,” he says, his voice low and hoarse. “Are you trying to kill me?”
“No,” I whisper. “I know it’s wrong, and I’ve tried, but I can’t help myself with you.”
“Jesus Christ,” he says, pulling away and raking a hand through his blond hair, leaving it tousled in a way that reminds me too much of when we’re in bed together. “Crystal, you can’t just say those things to a man.”
“What?” I ask. “The truth?”
He stares at me a second and then nods. “Yeah.”
“I’m tired of hiding,” I say. “I’m tired of the lies, and the costume, and carrying the weight of this name. I just want to be myself, like I was with you.”
I know I should stop, that I’m laying everything out for him to trample, that I’m laying myself bare for him.Buteven though I hurt him last, even though it’s his turn for revenge, I can’t stop myself. I want to lay every part of myself bare. I want to be vulnerable. Only for him.
Devlin swallows and takes my hand, placing it on his chest. He covers my small hand with his rough one, and I can feel the rapid, steady beat of his heart. “I want that, too,” he says quietly. “You’re so damn beautiful it kills me, Crystal. You should never have to hide who you are, or what you look like, or that heart that’s too good for me or your family. Every inch of you is fucking magnificent.”
I can’t stand to be away from him after touching him. It’s like an addict’s craving. I broke and took one hit, and now I need more. Now I can’t stop. I take his hand, turning it over between mine. “Did you hurt your hand?”
“I’ll ice it.”
“I can’t believe you did that for me,” I say, skimming my fingers gently over his red knuckles. They’re already swelling. “What if it’s really hurt?”
“You’re worth it.”
We stay there another moment, neither of us moving. My heart is hammering, and I don’t dare look at him. I can barely believe I’m touching him at all. I can’t risk making him pull away, reminding me that this thing between us is over, that it has no future. That people like us get to keep only memories.
At last, I can’t hold back any longer. “Devlin,” I begin. “I…”
“Don’t,” he says, his hand covering my mouth. His blue eyes are soft as a baby’s blanket as his gaze caresses my face. “Let’s just leave it at that.”
“But—” I try to speak behind his hand, but he shakes his head.
“You know we can’t be together,” he says. “Not after what our families did. And that’s for the best, Crystal.”
Tears pool in my eyes, and I turn my face away, pushing his hand away. “How is this for the best?”
“Trust me when I say you’re better off without me.”