Because this isn’t an emergency. Because that black bag is zipped all the way up.
“I just need to see him,” I say, my voice breaking.
“Can she?” Devlin asks, holding me against his chest and staring over my head at the cop.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Officer Gunn says. “If it’s the missing boy…”
“He’s my brother,” I say, my voice rising. “I deserve to see him before you haul him away and chop him up for your autopsy.”
“Just let her see if it’s him,” Devlin says. “Before the whole town gets wind of this.”
Officer Gunn sighs and takes off his hat, running his hand over his shorn blond head. “I could probably lose my job for this…”
“Thank you,” Devlin says, sounding relieved. He reaches past me to shake the officer’s hand, but it’s more like a squeeze. “You won’t lose your job.”
I’ve seen my father do this, telling people they’ll be taken care of, but it’s odd coming from someone still in high school. Maybe that’s what happens when you’re a big fish in a small pond instead of a big pond. My brothers had all the power in my last school, but the kids here have power in the whole town.
Suddenly, that seems like the most important thing in the world to think about. Anything but what’s under that black shroud.
Devlin’s arm tightens around my waist, and he starts for the ambulance. But suddenly, I know with stark clarity that I can’t do this. I simply, unquestionably, cannot. My feet move automatically, over little chunks of broken cement and rocks and glass, but I don’t feel anything. A whirlpool of panic has opened in my chest, sucking down every sensation, all rational thought.
“Devlin,” I choke out, grabbing onto his shoulder when we reach the ambulance.
“Yeah, baby?” he says, looking down at me with a furrow of concern etched across his brow.
“I… I can’t,” I say, barely able to speak past the hyperventilating breaths that escape each time I open my lips. Everything seems far away, as if seen through a darkened tunnel.
“Okay,” he says, cradling my face in his hands. “You don’t have to.”
“Hey,” he says to the EMT. “I’d like to see who that is.”
The lady, who doesn’t look much older than us, frowns like Devlin’s some kind of creeper with a corpse fetish. “We’re not allowed to show people bodies,” she says, turning her back to us as she crouches next to the stretcher.
I look away. I can’t bring myself to look at what’s on it. The way the bag fits around the shape inside it makes my stomach lurch sickeningly.
The ambulance driver comes around, stopping short when he sees us. “Devlin Darling,” he exclaims, a smile spreading across his face. “Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. What’s up, man? How’s that arm?”
“Good,” Devlin says, pulling me even closer, his posture stiffening. “I was hoping I could take a look at who you got there.”
“Sure, of course,” the guy says. “Anything for our big star. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be at the game? I had to work but… You’re not still in trouble, are you?” He gives Devlin a conspiratorial wink.
“Shit,” I blurt. “You have a game. Why aren’t you at your game?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Devlin mutters. “I’m going to look.”
The moment he releases me to climb into the ambulance, my knees buckle. I brace my hand on the back of the vehicle, my head swimming. The EMT is staring at Devlin like he’s holding a gun, and I can see a thin layer of sweat that’s broken out on her lip in the last two minutes.
“I’m sorry,” she mutters, wringing her hands and pressing her back to the wall. “I didn’t realize who you were.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Devlin says again, not even sparing her a glance before turning to the bag. And suddenly, I know I can’t stand here and deny what’s happening. A body was found on my father’s construction site. And if it’s Royal, the least I owe him is being the one to identify him. I may not be the sister he deserves, but I’m brave enough to look at him. I’m brave enough not to let his enemy tell me a truth I can’t bear to look at. No matter how impossible it is, I have to do it.
“Wait,” I gasp, dizzy but clearheaded. “Let me.”
“Are you sure?” he asks.
I nod, and he grabs my hand and pulls me in. My hands are shaking so hard I can’t hold the zipper. Devlin takes it and slides it down, lacing his fingers through mine and holding on tight as I kneel beside the stretcher and part the fabric to reveal the face inside.
thirty-one