Wants to kiss me.
I pull away immediately as if hit by electricity and face the window right away.
"I never liked that name," I lie, not looking at him because if I do, he will know I'm bluffing.
I loved that name. Always, even after we became distant from each other.
But I'm not gonna tell him that. He hasn't called me that for years.
I pull my phone out and stick my AirPods into my ears so I don’t have to listen to his voice anymore.
Because, for some unexplained reason, I can't hate him right now the way I normally do, and it scares the hell out of me.
Chapter Three
Josh
She fell asleep. For real this time, because half an hour ago, she pretended to be asleep simply not to talk to me. She got scared after feeling how close we are, just like we used to be when we were younger, three years ago.
It's not the first time we’ve traveled together, but it's the first time in a long time we've been this close to each other. I could stretch out a hand and touch her. Of course I won't do that because she'd wake up instantly; Kendall is a very shallow sleeper.
Usually, she takes a seat as far away from me as possible, reserving it online in advance. But this time, I was the one who bought both of our tickets, since it's my mom's birthday and she asked me to, inviting Kendall as well, of course. I was deliberately late so that she wouldn’t have time to change her seat even if she wanted to.
Yes, I'm that cruel. Sue me.
I know she's asleep for real because her hands fell to the sides, and she's not squeezing her phone anymore. Her lips are slightly parted, and her head is tilted to one side. Her chest rises and falls slowly.
She's so beautiful when she sleeps, even more attractive than normal. Maybe it's because when she's awake, she gives me those disapproving looks all the time.
I know she doesn't like me because of who I am: her closest friend yet worst enemy. We used to be so close, but then I ruined everything. And now she hates me, pretending she can tolerate me when we're not alone and completely ignoring me when we happen to be together, even for just a minute.
She tries to avoid me each time she's left with me in a room with no one else near us. She finds a million reasons to escape before we start a real conversation. Even now, when we're on the plane, she put in her earphones simply not to talk to me.
Her head falls on my shoulder, and I hold a breath, trying not to move, afraid that if I do, she might wake up. But I start breathing again eventually, and she doesn't wake up, rearranging her head on my shoulder.
She smells so good, like cherries, vanilla, and something else I'm not able to recognize. Maybe it's just her personal flavor; she always smelled delicious, even when we were kids. She never uses fragrance because she's allergic to perfumes. She starts sneezing right after breathing them in. But I know she uses aromatized body creams instead. I always give her one for any occasion I can.
Kendall doesn't know those presents are from me; she thinks my parents send them to her. She's like a daughter to them; that's why they do that often. A daughter they never had since they have two sons, me and Damian. They love her no less, and sometimes I think maybe even more.
Because she's so damn good. She's kind, generous, and attentive. She helps everyone in need and follows the rules. She's the opposite of me.
The thought that Kendall smells like something I've picked out for her always makes me smile. Even when she had her first time with her asshole boyfriend—ex-boyfriend actually—she smelled like a scent I'd picked for her.She was already mine the moment she gave her virginity to him.
I realized that I was in love with Kendall O'Connor after I came home from sports camp the summer I turned fifteen, almost four years ago. I was a child when I left, but I returned a man. I knew I wanted my best friend, and not just being near me, but in another, more dangerous way.
A couple of days later, I found out that she was in love with my brother Damian. That's when I started hating them both.
I was always competitive with my brother. He's the older one, and that's why I tried to beat him in everything. When Damian got good grades, I wanted to get better; he was a champion in math at school, that's why I became a state champion. I knew he was going to be my father's successor, and that's why I tried hard to make my father realize that I'm a good competitor for that job, too, even though I don't want it.
And when I realized that Damian also took my best friend's heart, I felt like the ground was falling out from under my feet. Damian didn't even realize she was in love with him. He was twenty-one and completely ignored fifteen-year-old Kendall, but I didn’t.I paid attention to her.But she chose Damian.
That's when I decided to estrange myself from Kendall as much as I could. I started laughing at her in public, humiliating her, bullying her, and doing everything I could to make her pay for the pain she caused me. And she started hating me.
But nothing had changed. I still felt all those things about Kendall; each romantic and erotic fantasy was about her, no matter how much I hated her. And I hated myself for being so attracted to her, so eventually, I simply started ignoring her. I decided that if my bullying didn't help me forget her, my ignorance would.
I started dating other girls, each one of them prettier and taller, with fuller lips and bigger breasts than Kendall.
And I still couldn't forget her.The summer I turned seventeen we were supposed to spend with our families in the South of France, as we do each July. I decided that it was time for me to stop ignoring her and finally make a move. Especially since we were spending the whole month together.