Because it's Kendall, I remind myself.You love her, you always have. Have the courage to finally confess, Josh.
But if I tell her what I feel now, she won't believe me. She'll throw me out of the room before I can finish the sentence. She won't even care that she's afraid of the dark.
That's why I have to go slow, winning her trust back step by step.
"I still watch ‘Friends’ before going to sleep, just like we used to do together when we were little." I start speaking again after a long, torturous pause. "I can't fall asleep because my anxiety kills me. I fall asleep only when I'm so tired I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. I'm afraid to tell my parents I want to become a chef. They'll laugh in my face, and so will the whole school, and the whole world, especially the magazines, who'll post articles about how the son of a multi-million dollar empire owner is peeling potatoes."
I don't really care about the press or the school. My family and this young woman who's lying next to me is my only concern.
I swallow a huge lump in my throat. I'm scared to tell her everything, but there's no other choice. I have to.
"I say that I go to the gym six times a week, but the truth is that half of those times I’m going to the culinary academy," I continue. Kendall silently listens to me, inhaling deeply. "I still love science fiction books, and I dream about going to space one day, although I do nothing about it, it's just a fantasy," I chuckle, laughing at my own words. "Do you remember how you promised to come with me? We made a wish upon a star that day. You taught me how to do it, you said they always come true. I know you still make those wishes. When you think that no one's watching you, you look up at the sky, searching for the falling stars."
I move my hand lower from the center of her belly to the thin strip of naked skin between her top and her pajama pants, and then I shove only one finger under the fabric of her top, and I feel her muscles tighten under my touch, but she doesn't tell me to stop.
"I make those wishes, too, Sapphire. Each time I see a falling star, I ask for my most cherished desire to come true. It still doesn't, but I keep doing it because I believed you when you said it would." My lips are already touching Kendall's ear as I say it, and I move my head from side to side slowly, brushing my open mouth over the tip.
"And that song you used to sing each time you wanted to cheer me up, 'Hakuna Matata' fromThe Lion King, do you remember it? I turn it on each morning to prepare myself for a long busy day..."
"Why are you telling me this?" she asks unexpectedly, interrupting my speech. Her voice is barely audible but desperate, as if hearing what I say is hurting her feelings, and she's trying to stop me.
"I don't know, Sapphire," I whisper back honestly, slightly shaking my head. "I don't know, I just missed you so much."
And then I finally let myself press my body to hers, allowing myself to stick my nose into her neck and inhale her scent deeply, brushing my lips just slightly over her soft naked skin, desperate to kiss her but afraid she'll stop me.
She doesn't say a word, but I feel her skin break out in goosebumps. I shove my whole palm under her top and brush her skin with it, stroking her warm, silky belly.
"I hate horror movies, but I watch them anyway because it reminds me of you." With every word, my voice becomes more pleading, as if I’ll die if she rejects me. My hand moves higher, and I reach her belly button. She shivers. "Do you still secretly watch them even though you're scared?"
She keeps silent, but I don't expect her to answer. She’s so quiet I'm not sure she’s breathing at all.
"I know you do, Sapphire," I continue, barely breathing myself. "I overheard how you were pleading with your shitty boyfriend to watch them with you but he refused." My hand slowly moves higher, reaching her ribs, brushing my fingers over her naked skin. "I would never refuse to watch them with you. I can't tell you how much I wanted you to ask me that day..."
And then I kiss a spot next to her ear, feeling how her body is trembling with each movement of my hand, realizing that I'm also shivering, aching to continue caressing her body, exploring it, kissing it, loving it...
"Don't do this," she says abruptly, and my heart stops beating that same second.
Have I gone too far? Am I forcing her to do this? Doesn't she feel the same way as I do?
"I'm afraid I'm broken," she whispers. "Chad broke up with me because he said I'm frozen, insensitive."
I don't understand what she means at first, but then I realize that she's talking about physical pleasure.
I would've laughed at that if I didn’t realize that she's serious. She really thinks so. She thinks she's broken because she’s never had a climax.
"That asshole simply doesn't know how to please a woman, Sapphire. Everything is fine with you," I say right away.
"You don't know that, Hazel. What if I'm hypo-sensual? How can I become a doctor, especially a gynecologist, if I'm broken myself?"
The only thing I get from all that nonsense that she's saying is that she called meHazelagain, for the first time inyears.
My heart jumps for joy, and I feel like the ice between us is completely melted and evaporated.
Chapter Ten
Kendall
Why is he doing this? Why is he acting as if he cares? And, more importantly, why am I telling all of this to him?