I reached over to the nightstand drawer and reached inside, pulling another condom from the box. "All right, baby, get ready."
Her eyes widened, and she watched while I ripped the package open.
We had spent the entire day in bed wrapped in one another's arms, alternating between resting and sex. We had gotten up around five, ordered in some dinner, eaten, and then took some time to pack our bags. I now sat on the couch, trying to slow my thoughts, while I watched the news while Tess was in the shower.
What the hell was this that had happened? What were we to one another?Those were the only questions that kept running through my head as I sat there staring at the TV. I grabbed the remote, silencing the TV, and leaned back against the couch, resting my head back on the pillows as I stared at the screen. There was so much I had wanted to talk to Tess about today. I'd had an amazing trip, and the connection I felt between us was something I hadn't felt since Jenn.
I wanted to talk to her about how she felt and where she wanted things to go between us once we returned home, but I didn't know how to broach the subject. Part of me wasn't sure she was even ready to be entering another relationship so soon after Derrick.
I stood up and began pacing in front of the couch, my mind running in all directions as I tried to come up with what I should say to her. I could always tell her I wanted to see where we could go, or I could just tell her right upfront about how I felt and lay my heart right out on the line, risking the fact that her answer could in fact break mine into pieces. But I shook my head no, worrying that if I did that, she might think I was pressuring her into answering me. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her away.
I got up and paced back and forth across the living room, muttering to myself the words I thought I could say, when I heard a noise behind me.
I twisted around to see Tess standing just outside the bathroom door, wrapped in a towel, staring at me. "What are you doing?" she questioned, a frown on her face.
"Nothing..." I quickly answered, swallowing hard.
"Doesn't look like nothing."
"What does it look like?"
"It looks like you’re planning on telling me some sort of bad news."
I let out a laugh, only instead of stopping, I just continued laughing. If she thought for a second I was going to tell her bad news, she was crazy. The only bad news here was that I was crazy about her and had no idea how to tell her.
"Are you sure you’re okay? You are acting totally weird," Tess said with her eyes glued to me as she walked by me, heading into the bedroom.
"I swear it's all good."
She gave me an unsure look and then took a couple steps into the room. "All right, as long as you're sure. I am heading to bed. Morning comes early.”
I watched as she walked into the bedroom and began to relax, until she came back out. “Are you coming?"
She stood there gripping the towel in her hands, and in my mind, I wished she would drop it and entice me into the bedroom, making me forget everything that was running through my mind. I wanted to stay right in this moment forever. I nodded. "I'll be right in."
She simply nodded and walked into the bedroom. I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands, taking a moment to think about what I was about to do. I searched my thoughts, wondering if I was only feeling this way because she had been the first since Jenn. Although, the longer I searched my mind and my heart, I knew that what I was feeling was indeed very real. I’d always known it would be when I finally took that step.
My insides screamed at me to just tell her, but there was that tiny nagging voice in the back of my mind that instilled every doubt that every man felt at least once in their life. Instead of going with my heart, I allowed that tiny voice to take over and win, and to talk me out of exposing my heart.
I wasn't here to make her fall in love with me. I wasn't here to become her man. I was here because she didn't want to travel alone. This entire vacation would soon become a distant memory, just like Jenn had. We'd return home, time would pass, she would meet someone else, and I would watch her slip away from me.
"Baby, you coming to bed?" I heard her call from the bedroom in a sleepy voice.
"Yep, sorry," I called, standing up and shutting off all the lights, making my way into the bedroom.
I walked in to see her lying with her back toward me. I pulled the covers back and climbed into bed, but instead of wrapping my arm around her and pulling her into me, I rolled onto my side, facing away from her. I lay there for a few moments before I felt her hand on my shoulder.
"Is something wrong?" she questioned, her voice trembling.
"No, sweetie, nothing," I answered.
Silence hung between us until she cleared her throat. "It would be really nice if we spent our last night cuddling."
Our last night. There it was, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes tightly, not sure if I wanted to risk getting any closer to her than I already had. It had been a mistake to risk getting this close, but the second I looked over my shoulder into her eyes, there was no way I could deny her.
"Sorry, I figured you were almost asleep and didn't want to disturb you," I lied, rolling onto my back. The second I opened my arm to her, she slid into my side, placing her leg over mine, resting her head on my chest.
I wrapped my arm around her, bringing the other over to rest on her arm, and closed my eyes, kissing her gently on the forehead. It didn’t take Tess long to drift off to sleep—it never did when she lay in my arms—but I laid awake all night, wrestling with my decision.