As we approached our starting point, Asher nodded to the main snack bar along the edge of the beach. I nodded and we made our way over, grabbing a cold bottle of water from their fridge. I dropped money on the counter for both bottles, nodding to the young girl behind the counter, who gave me a large smile. We made our way over to a table in the shade.
"Fuck, that was a fantastic run," Asher said, breathing hard as he twisted the cap off the bottle and drank down the cool liquid.
"It really was," I agreed and looked out over the water. The few clouds that had been in sky had cleared, and the water was now like glass.
"You all right, bro?"
I shrugged as, once again, the thoughts of Bailey invaded my mind as I watched a girl who looked like her set up a spot on the beach.
"I guess."
"You guess? My gut was right. You do seem off. What's going on with you today?"
"I dunno."
"Still having those nightmares?" he questioned, resorting to the obvious of what it was that was normally bothering me.
I turned and met my cousin's eyes and nodded, half in truth. "They are always the same. I get to the end of the alley where Connor is tucked behind a car. I can't get a good look at the guy, and then shots ring out, and down he goes. He calls for help. I look around the corner, no one is there, and I go to him." The memories of rolling him over, taking pressure off the gunshot wound that ended up ending his life is always in the forefront of the dream. "We never should have rolled him over," I said, shaking my head. "That rule had been ingrained in us during first-aid: never move a victim."
"Look, you guys didn't know that the bullet had nicked the femoral artery. There would have been nothing anyone could have done, even if he had been in a hospital. He would have already been bleeding out. It was just the pressure from his body that slowed the bleeding. Even if it had been the paramedics that moved him, it would have happened. It's not your fault."
"I know, and I've paid thousands of dollars in therapy to learn that, but the dream the other night was different."
"How so?"
I could feel my heart already starting to race as the memory of the dream crept slowly back into my mind, like a movie playing out. "Ryan and Grant disappeared, and I was alone in that alley with Connor, laying there lifeless on the pavement. I kept yelling for him to wake up and screaming for help but no one came. Then everything became silent and Connor sat straight up and looked right into my eyes. He asked me why I hadn't done what he'd asked. He just kept repeating those words to me. Then I woke up."
I'd talked to Asher at length over what had happened that night. He knew everything. After all, he had been one of the firefighters on duty that night. He probably knew more about that night than the therapist that Grant and Ryan had finally talked me into seeing. He had been the only one I felt I could really talk to about that night.
"You know the dreams always come back around this time. I mean we are only, what, three months or so to the anniversary of that night."
"I know."
"So don't read into it. Just put it to the back of your mind and carry on."
"I can't. It's driving me crazy."
"I understand, but you know it’s the PTSD coming forward. Maybe you need to get in with that therapist again for a couple sessions, just to talk things through before it gets really bad."
My cousin was right. I went through this every year at this time.
"I can tell you’re bothered. What do you think the words in the dream meant? You think it’s about Bailey, don't you?"
"Of course, it is. What else would it be about? He asked me to take care of her, Asher, and what did I do? Instead of talking to her, instead of trying to work on things, I let our relationship fall apart."
"Jackson, you were not the only one responsible for what happened between the two of you. Come on now. You both suffered a tragic loss, and the stress of that was what caused your relationship to crumble. You've said it yourself. She refused to get help. She refused to let things go. She was holding onto a lot of guilt and anger too."
"I know. I just feel that, perhaps when the trouble started, I could have fought harder. I could have done something to save us."
"Where is all this coming from?" Asher questioned, concern lining his face.
"What do you mean?"
"All this, about your relationship with Bailey? Why are you suddenly beating yourself up over something that happened almost five years ago? You can't tell me this is all because of a dream you had. What gives?"
"I don't know. I just, if you had seen his face in that dream."
"Man, it was a dream. Come on."