“Then why don't you tell me.”
I took a sip of wine to clear my throat before I started.
“You see, after Jackson died, Brody was my rock. He spent a lot of time helping me around the house, having dinner with me, keeping me sane—basically pushing me to continue to live. One day, we started looking at one another differently, and things between us started to change. I was starting to become attracted to him in a way that kind of scared me. Shortly, things got serious between us, and neither of us was sure where it was going to go. We started arguing.
“Then one afternoon, there was a bad fire in town, and they reported some firefighters missing. I guess that was when I really noticed how I truly felt. I tried to get hold of him, but he didn't answer. Finally, after a few hours, he showed up at my door. I was a mess, I thought I’d lost him as well. I was pretty much devastated. He came in, and things started to get intimate between us. I ended up stopping him.
“I already knew I felt things I had never felt before, not even with Jackson, and before they went any further, I wanted to be able to tell him how I felt. He wouldn't talk to me, assumed I stopped him because I didn't want anything else to happen and went home. The next morning, he was gone. He left me on Christmas Eve, so it kind of ruined this holiday for me.”
Ray looked at me with sympathy filled eyes. “What do you mean he was gone?”
“Gone, he had taken his stuff and left. He didn't call, but I found a note from him a day or so later. The only people he had notified were his landlord and the guys at the fire department. That’s when things got bad for me. I had no desire to do anything after he left. It was like I had lost Jackson all over again. I lost everything, Ray. Everything—my career, my home, and my best friend.” I stopped talking as the waitress dropped our food off at our table.
“I'm going to admit, Cass, the points aren't stacking up in his favor after hearing this.”
“I know, but I feel you need to know our history.”
“I appreciate that. So, now he's here and staying with you,” Ray said, passing me the pepper.
“Yes. We had a long talk last night, and it just brought up some old memories and feelings. I was pretty upset when I went to bed.”
“Tell me he didn't hurt you?”
“God, no.”
“Good, I don't want to have to teach him another lesson.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“What does what mean?”
“Don't do this, Ray.”
“Don't do what?”
“Ray, this whole situation has brought up lots of feelings, feelings I had buried away. There were a lot of things said on both our parts last night, things that needed to be said for us to both move on and get past everything that's happened. I guess it was just a lot of pent-up emotion we each needed to get out.”
“And that's what had you so upset this morning?”
I took another sip of wine and took a bite of food. “Yes and no.”
“Care to elaborate?”
“I feel the need to forgive him, but I'm not sure I can.”
I looked up from my plate. Ray sat there with his wine in hand, his eyes meeting mine. He said nothing, just sat there studying me, taking me in.
“You don't have to forgive him. Unless… do you still have feelings for him, Cass?”
I swirled my fork around my plate, thinking about the question. After five minutes of not answering him, I finally cleared my throat.
“I'm not sure I know the answer to that,” I lied.
“It's easy. Either you do, or you don't.”
“It's not that easy, Ray. He really hurt me when he left, but at the same time, he was all I had.”
“I understand that, but I don't think it would be bothering you this bad if you didn't have some sort of feelings for him.”