“I suppose that’s fair.”
“You suppose that’s fair? What the hell, Brody?”
“Cass, don't get angry.”
“Don't get angry? What did you expect, I would welcome you with open arms, and I wasn't ever going to say anything? Fuck, Brody.”
“You sort of did. That kiss Cass, I can't get it out of my head,” he said, taking my hand in his.
I ripped my hand away. He'd struck a chord with that comment. I knew I had made a mistake by not pushing him away, but fuck, the man could kiss, it had been a nice fucking mistake. Still, I stood up and headed to the kitchen. I didn't want this to turn into an argument, things were getting too heated. We’d had too much to drink, and nothing good could come out of two people arguing under the influence. I ought to know, it was a recurring situation with Ray.
“I feel like shit, I didn't plan on leaving you, Cass. Please, just let me explain.”
I crossed my arms and stood glaring at him. “I'm waiting.”
“That night, after you pushed me away, I felt this tremendous amount of guilt for acting on my feelings for you. The way I felt about you, I'd never felt that way about anyone. It scared me. I was supposed to be there to look after you. I promised Jackson I would look out for you, take care of you. Instead, for months, all I wanted to do was get you fucking naked and make you moan and writhe underneath me. Then when it happened, I couldn't get enough of you, I wanted to consume every fucking inch of you every time I was with you.”
I felt myself blush at his admission. I wanted to stop him right there, but I continued to listen.
“But when you stopped me that night, for whatever reason, I realized maybe my feelings may have gotten out of control, and maybe you weren't as ready and wanting as I was. So, I did what I thought was right. I had to find some way to get you out of my head because I'm pretty sure that wasn’t what he meant by 'take care of you.' So, as much as it hurt me to leave you, I figured it was the best and only solution for the both of us. It wasn't supposed to be for three years, Cass, just until I got things under control. Only, I soon found out I was wrong by leaving and these feelings weren't going to go away quickly, if ever. I thought about you and wanted you more and more as time passed.”
My anger took over as soon as he stopped talking. I was angry he left, angry at myself that I stopped him that night, and angry at him because he hadn’t ignored me and taken me again that night like I had really wanted him to, like he should have.
“So, instead of facing your feelings, you left when I needed you the most, Brody. It wasn't enough that I had just lost Jackson, you had to walk out of my life too, just like that, without even a fucking goodbye.”
“I left you a letter.”
“Yes, you left me a letter. A letter that almost fucking killed me after I read it. I struggled and struggled to make sense of why you left, and to be honest, I haven't been able to. And after all this time, I'm still not able to because your reason isn't good enough. We're fucking adults, Brody, all you needed to do was talk to me.” I could feel the tears burning my eyes, but there was no way I was going to cry in front of him.
“I never said it was a good enough reason, Cass. I was a coward.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I would call it. You promised me, and you promised him, Brody. I know you did because I fucking heard it when I got to the hospital that day.” I slammed my fist down on the counter.
“Yes, you're right, I promised him. I fucked up, I know that. I know what I did was wrong. I live with the memory of that promise every damn day. He's disappointed, I know it, I feel it.”
The room was silent as I fought with myself about what direction to go next. I wanted to say I forgave him, and no matter how much time had passed, I still had feelings for him—but I couldn't. I couldn't let those words pass my lips, not yet, I wasn't sure I was ready. My heart was pounding, and I could hear my pulse whooshing in my ears, and I felt dizzy. Instead of saying what my heart wanted me to, my anger came back in full force.
“After you left, I fucking lost everything. I didn't leave my bed for almost four fucking months, my mom had to come stay with me, I was a mess. I couldn't write, my career died, and after that happened, everything that was left spiraled out of control. I came close to losing the house. Luckily, I was able to sell it and got a bit of money, but it only made things worse. I had to leave the home I loved, Brody. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and those nightmares, they returned and just kept getting worse. Suddenly, it wasn't just Jackson who had died in that fire, Brody, it was you too. It was like I lost you both all over again. You not only fucked up with him, Brody, but you fucked up with me too.”
I was so angry and hurt, I had to turn away from him. I had been holding onto all of that since the night he had walked down the front steps of my house. The tension in my shoulders and back was unbearable, my hands balled so tight into fists, my nails were biting into my flesh.
“And just so you know, I had feelings for you too, Brody. I wanted you just as bad that night, and every night before, just as much as you wanted me, maybe even more. And no matter how right or wrong it may have been, those feelings were and still are very real. You weren't the only one who was scared. That’s why I stopped you, I wanted to tell you.”
“Why didn't you say anything?”
“Why didn't you?” I shot back. I kept my back to him, a couple tears escaping—I couldn't stop them now. Suddenly, I could feel the heat from his body behind me, his hands on my shoulders, his breath on my neck.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left you, and I'll never forgive myself for what you went through. I was selfish.” He squeezed my shoulders in his strong hands. “All this time apart has done is show me I need you in my life, Cass. But now, you’re with him. Tell me what I can do to get you back. I'll do whatever it takes!” He wrapped his hand around my waist, pulling me into his chest.
“I don't know, Brody. I needed you in so many ways—to comfort me, to make me laugh, make me forget, make me feel loved.” Those were the things I still needed, the things I never received from Ray.
“I know you did, I wanted you so fucking bad, I still do. It just took me this long to accept it’s okay, Cass, okay to want you and to have you.” He kissed the back of my neck, lightly grazing his lips over my skin, sending a warm chill through my body.
“Brody, don't do this,” I whispered. As soon as I blinked, I felt more tears fall over the rim of my eyes.
“I can't fight how I feel for you anymore. You've never left my heart or my mind, that tells me something. As soon as I saw you, it was like I never left, the same feelings stirred in my gut as they did that night.”
I closed my eyes, resting my hand on his. “Brody, I can't do this. I'm going to go to bed,” I choked out, swallowing the large lump in my throat. All it would take was him to kiss me, really kiss me like he had done the other day in the store, and I would melt into his arms. He didn't move, just held onto me, his breath at my ear.