“Kaige,” Mercy said, her voice quieter now. Her hand squeezed tight around mine. I still didn’t dare look at her.
Do you see me now? I wanted to ask her. Do you see how much ugly and monstrous stuff there is in me? Maybe that kid on the train and his parents had been right about me after all. They’d known what I was because I never could get rid of it.
“I wear Dad’s tags hoping they’ll be a good enough reminder,” I said out loud. “Even someone who went through all that army training, all that discipline, can still totally fuck up his life and everyone’s around him. I might have a temper and I might get into a rage sometimes, but I never want to let myself be so weak I’d hurt someone who didn’t deserve it for my own gain. And maybe it’s fitting too, because in the end Dad died a death worse than a dog’s.”
“What do you mean?” Mercy asked.
I grimaced, taking in the crash of the waves. “Eventually my parents’ appetites got so big nothing was enough to keep them satisfied. They were getting their drugs from some small-time gang in the Bend. They ended up stealing some, and a guy came to collect. My dad lunged at him, trying to fight him over it—the guy shot him right in the head. Mom ran off. I never saw her again after that. But I didn’t mind. I wasn’t even upset at that point. I admired the guy who stood up for himself and blew Dad away.”
My mouth twisted into a hard smile. “That was what led me to the Nobles. I wanted to be like my own dad’s murderer—to join a gang so I could learn how to be that strong and defend myself. I was only ten, so it wasn’t like I could just sign up or something, but out on the streets, I heard pretty quick that the Nobles were the badass-est gang there was. I found ways to start doing little jobs for them when I could. Wylder noticed me and spoke up for me… and I finally had a life I didn’t hate.”
I swallowed hard and finally forced myself to turn toward Mercy. “There you go. That’s my whole fucked-up life.” I didn’t think I wanted to hear what she’d say about all that, but it was too late to turn back now.