He winced, and I knew I’d stung his pride. His jaw worked. For a second, I thought he’d refuse like he had before. But then a sigh rushed out of him.
“You’re right. I just—I thought it’d be easier not to talk about it, and somehow I’d let myself be angry at you too when none of it was really your fault. At the same time, I didn’t want you to have to feel guilty over it the way I have for so long…”
He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration, so much anguish showing in his expression that my heart skipped a beat. Rowan had always been so good at holding up a cheerful front. I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen him look so upset.
My voice softened of its own accord. “What happened, Rowan? What wasn’t my fault—what would I feel guilty about?”
I could tell it took an effort for him to meet my gaze. “That night… I meant to come, right up to the end. I had my bag packed, everything ready. I was just waiting the last few minutes until it was time to go, and then—then I heard the gunshot.”
My heart outright stopped. “Gunshot?”
“From Carina’s room.”
“Someone shot your sister?” I burst out. I’d never gotten to meet any of Rowan’s family, but I’d seen pictures of them. I’d heard him talk about his little sister, who was only six then and the total baby of the family. The affection had always been so clear in his voice, I’d felt almost like she was my kid sister too.
“No,” Rowan said raggedly. “They tried to. She was—she was having a sleepover, and she let her friend have her bed while she took the sleeping bag on the floor. Someone shot the girl in the bed through the window—they must have assumed it was her.”
Abruptly, I remembered. I’d caught a few shocked murmurs in the halls at school about some little kid who’d gotten shot in their sleep. But the name hadn’t been familiar, so in my confusion over Rowan’s disappearance, it hadn’t even occurred to me that the two events were connected.
It still didn’t make sense to me. “But—why would anyone—”
“Because of me.” Rowan’s hand clenched against the countertop. “Because… your father found out that I was seeing you. A week before, after we’d already finalized our plan, he stopped me in the street and warned me to stay away from you. He told me I’d regret it if I didn’t stay out of your life. But I thought we were already so close to getting away, he didn’t seem to know about that part, if we just hung in there…”
“And he sent one of his men to kill your sister as punishment for ignoring him.” My voice sounded hollow to my ears. Oh my God. Just when I thought I’d discovered the limits of the horrors my father had been capable of, he proved me wrong. “Why didn’t you tell me—about the warning, or about Carina?”
He swallowed hard. “I was a stupid, over-confident teenager who didn’t really understand just how bad things could get. I knew how much of a hold he had over you. I was worried that if I told you he knew about us, you’d give up the chance we worked so hard for. You’d insist that we couldn’t see each other again. I loved you, Mer, so much that I forgot all the other things that should have been important to me, I didn’t see how much danger I was dragging my whole family into…”
His head drooped. For the first time since I’d seen him here, I recognized the weight he was carrying. “Rowan…”
“I was afraid to say anything to you afterward,” he went on. “What if he came after Carina again when he realized he’d gotten the wrong girl? It killed me to know you had no idea why I hadn’t shown up, but it could have literally killed her if I’d kept any contact with you. And my parents were so shaken they decided it was time to get out of the Bend. They couldn’t stand to stay in the house. They let us skip a few weeks of school while they arranged a new place in the city and then moved us there. Not that the change of scenery helped all that much.”
That last statement constricted my throat even more. “What happened after?”
His shoulders rose and fell in a hopeless motion. “Carina never totally got over seeing her friend murdered. My parents kept arguing, and finally they split up. Mom took Carina with her out west where her parents live, and I stayed with Dad because I’d gotten in with Wylder by then and I didn’t want to start over yet again. And Dad, well… let’s just say that these days he prefers vodka to me.”
Tears pricked at my eyes for the man in front of me—and the boy who’d been broken so badly before becoming that man. If I’d known…
But that might have been even worse. He was right—if Dad had caught us communicating again, who knew what he might have done? Everything that’d happened to Rowan and his family and that poor little girl who’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time, it was because of me and my rotten family.
“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing the words were too small to address the damage done.
Rowan cracked a soft, sad smile. “I might have been angry with you sometimes, but it wasn’t fair of me. You never lied about what kind of man your father was or how scary he could be. I insisted on being a part of your life anyway. I fell in love with you and embraced it. None of that is on you. Besides, you’re not responsible for your father’s actions.”
I wasn’t—and neither was Rowan. All these years I’d blamed him and cursed his name over something that hadn’t been his fault either. What could I say he should have done differently? Everything I’d thought about the past had been wrong.
I’d been so hard on him since I’d gotten here. Now I had no idea what to say to him. My emotions were one big jumble.
Wylder poked his head into the kitchen. He opened his mouth as his gaze fixed on me as if he meant to say something, but my expression seemed to stop him. He caught himself as if he’d thought better of it. Then his attention shifted to Rowan.
“My father wants to speak with you as soon as possible.”
Rowan tensed. As I watched, he straightened up, and the anguish smoothed from his face. He’d gotten so good at burying the trauma of his past, this golden boy who’d once been mine. So good I’d never so much as suspected it.
“I’ll see him now,” he said, and gave me one last look. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”
Then he walked out of the room at Wylder’s heels, leaving me shaken to the core.