“It’d be something. Fuck!” He slammed his hand against the desk in frustration, a gesture so unexpected from the guy who was usually so coolly analytical that my skin jumped.
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “He obviously had it all planned out, and—”
“And I should have anticipated it,” Gideon cut in, his rasp becoming more pronounced. “This fucker strolled onto our property and tossed a goddamned corpse through the living room window, and I can’t even tell you for sure it’s a he. What the fuck good am I if I can’t even stop shit like this from happening? My one fucking job—all this fucking tech and I can’t even protect you—or Wylder—or anyone here that much—”
He lowered his head and raked his fingers into his blue hair. “I can’t go out there and start shoving our enemies around. I’m a liability in the field. But this, this is my kingdom. This is what I do. And I’m failing miserably.”
I had no idea how to deal with a Gideon this distraught when I’d rarely seen him even mildly upset before. Tentatively, I eased my chair close enough to touch his arm. “You’re doing more than anyone else could.”
“But not enough. I can’t afford to fail like this, not when sickos like this are lurking around just outside our doors. I can’t be the weakness that allows them to come inside.”
“You’re not, Gideon,” I said, my heart wrenching. “And there are so many ways you’ve helped. You’re the reason we could grab the truck of drugs from Colt’s territory.”
But Gideon wasn’t listening to me. His hands had balled on either side of his head, and his chest was hitching, the rasp filling even his breath now as if he couldn’t get enough air inside him.
My pulse hiccupped. Were his lungs acting up? He was pushing himself so hard mentally, maybe he’d put his body into overload.
Like when I had my panic attacks. The fear of enclosed darkness could squeeze the breath from my lungs and turn my blood to ice in an instant.
“Gideon,” I said, as soft and steady as I could manage. The way Rowan had talked to me way back when after he’d found me in the museum. “Listen to me. Just focus on my voice. Whether you want to believe it right now or not, you’re the smartest person I know. Whoever is pulling this shit is just really fucking smart too. But you’re figuring out his strategies, and the rest of us will do whatever we can to find clues our own way, and we’ll work it out.”
I squeezed his arm and then reached to rub his back with slow strokes. His breaths gradually evened out, the rasp fading. He pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes, bowing his head even more.
“Thank you,” he said raggedly. “Sorry. Sometimes I can’t— You must think I’m pathetic.”
Every particle in my body flared in rejection of that statement. “No fucking way. You saw me freak out in the freezer the other day. I know what it’s like to not be able to control your body’s reactions. I’m sure as hell not going to judge someone else. You’ve got even more excuse than I do. There’s nothing medically wrong with me.”
He finally looked at me, his gray eyes clear and intense. Having all his analytical focus directed at me sent a tingle over my skin that I didn’t really mind.
“What happened to you to give you a trigger like that?” he asked. “With a reaction that strong, I’m guessing it didn’t just start out of the blue.”
I shook my head, my throat tightening. But he’d just shown himself to me at his most vulnerable, whether he’d liked it or not. I could talk about my history if it made him feel better about that. I’d already told Kaige, after all.
“It started when I was a little kid,” I said. “One of my father’s favorite ways to punish me.”
As I explained about the pit in the basement and the hours-long sessions I’d spend trapped in there, Gideon’s eyes narrowed. “That bastard,” he spat out when I was finished.
I gave him a crooked smile. “Well, he’s dead now. I hope he’s enjoying his stay in Hell.”
“No fucking doubt.” Gideon sighed and swiped his hand through his hair again. He looked at the screens for a moment before dragging his gaze back to me. “I know what it’s like to have family that treats you worse than even strangers should be expected to. My lungs weren’t always this bad, you know.”
I hesitated and then asked quietly, “What happened to you?”
“It started out as just asthma—a pretty bad case, but I was okay as long as I had my inhaler. But the kids in the neighborhood saw me as an easy target because I couldn’t defend myself that easily. I got beat up a lot, and my older brother and sister just thought it was funny. They’d even egg people on…”
He trailed off, and I thought he might stop there. But then he cleared his throat.
“One day, when I was eight, my brother stole my inhaler off me and then started shoving me around, calling over the other kids to join in. My lungs started to seize up, and I tried to grab the inhaler back from him, but I didn’t stand a chance and the effort just made everything worse. I ended up collapsing on the sidewalk, and they just stood over me laughing. That’s what kids do, right? Everything is a joke to them.”
“Psychotic kids,” I muttered. “That’s awful.”
“The attack got bad enough that it did permanent lung damage because I didn’t get treatment soon enough. I passed out, and when I woke up, I was in the hospital. They had to perform emergency lung surgery to get me breathing again. It stabilized me, but my lungs were twice as messed up as before. Nothing’s ever going to fix them.” He shrugged as if it wasn’t that big a deal, but I could see the anguish that passed through his eyes.
“Oh, Gideon.” I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t even imagine that happening to an eight-year-old boy. His skinny body lying on the cold concrete, betrayed by his own family. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“It is what it is,” he said, back to his usual matter-of-fact tone. “And maybe it wasn’t completely a bad thing, because somehow it brought me and Wylder together. He was in my class the next year, and I saw some of the other kids hassling him in the schoolyard for some stupid reason, and it reminded me of what happened to me so much I kind of blanked with rage. Ran in there with fists flailing even though he could have defended himself just fine.”
ThatI could imagine. My lips twitched with a smile. “Was he just as big a jackass back then?”