Chapter Forty-four
Charli suffered massive shame over her complete breakdown. Embarrassed, horrified at how many tears she’d shed before Blake managed to soothe her, the only noises now were the occasional hiccups, sniffs and sighs.
Inwardly writhing in mortification, she questioned her sanity. How could she have given such a display? Never in her life had she lost it so completely.
Sure, she’d had moments in the dark when she’d soaked her pillow or sat under the shower crying until the water turned cold. Who in this profession hadn’t experienced such lows? Especially if they performed in the types of cases they assigned to her – the undercover gang infiltrations – both dangerous and necessary.
Thing was, she’d never had an audience… never. Controlled, hard-assed to the point where some even condemned her as being heartless, she kept it together, kept the shitty stuff to herself.
The only soft moments, when she loved life, were those shared with her gramps.
The rest of her days, she lived like a regular person, had drinks with casual friends from the office, dated when she had the urge for sex, and excelled in the job she loved.
And now, entwined in the king-size bed with Blake, the shirt on his chest soaked, his hand playing with her hair, life had changed… because she had surrendered.
Not understanding just how much she’d shored up until the wall crumbled, allowing the pain freedom, she shivered. How had she ever managed her day-to-day life carrying such a heavy burden? Suddenly, words broke loose, words she’d never intended to share with another living soul.
“I killed my parents.” She said it out loud for the first time and held her breath. The words hung in the air, stark and horrible. She girded herself for his condemnation and disgust.
Blake’s sigh filled the darkening room. He shook his head, his reply spoken low and soft, “You didn’t, Charli. Circumstances created the accident that killed them, not you.”
She stiffened, pulled her head back to look into his face. She saw the gentle light in his eyes and fought to get away. She couldn’t handle his pity when she expected censure… or in the very least, to be taken seriously.
Overcoming her resistance and gathering her in a tight hug, he wouldn’t let her go. “Hold it, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. I don’t pity you, a grown woman who should know better than to think like a dumbass. Who I feel sorry for is the little girl who spent the night alone in the ravine where she’d been thrown, a broken leg, and no one finding her until morning – only to admit that her parents had died. And… no one working the crash had even known she’d been in the car until they’d managed to contact her grandfather. That’s who I feel sorry for. And, no matter how angry you get, Charli, I’m only human. I’ll never be able to wipe away those sentiments. My heart is never going to accept that I can’t feel what every living person with any compassion would feel – sympathy for that poor child.”
“You read the accident report.” She hid her face again.
“Fucking right I did.” He tightened his hug, arms gently putting pressure to cuddle her closer. “Baby, I needed to know everything about the agent who was involved in a case in my city, especially after Prowler warned me you might need support. He’s a good cop, thorough and with sound judgement. After he’d hinted at a background I might want to check into, baggage you’d carried for years, I’ll admit to doing the research.”
“My memories are cloudy. It’s like my shame refuses to let me see what happened. I’ve always believed it’s my punishment for saying what I did.”
“You pointed out the beautiful trees.”
“No, that’s what everyone believes. The truth is that I undid my seat belt because I was reaching for my mom’s camera. That’s the reason they didn’t see the deer. They were helping me find thefuck-ing cam-er-a. I wanted to take pictures of those… those beautiful, godforsaken, son of a bitchin’ trees.” Her voice broke. Overcome with shame, she hid her face again.
Blake shook her gently. “Oh baby, would you condemn any other ten-year-old for doing the same? Like when our children do sillykidthings, will you be heartless and turn your back, sentence them to a life of un-forgiveness?”
Charli heard his words. She’d listened with her heart in her throat, praying he could give her the magic she needed to get past the horror, the confession of her real crime.
As his words filtered through her brain, a wall crumbled and she began to see herself again as that little girl in the woods.Once she’d come to,the descending darkness had terrified her.Foreign noises filled her imagination with images of cougars and bears, all hungry for the ‘meal of the day’, little Carolina Madison.
Horrific pain had kept her immobile. Crying heart-rending tears, calling for her parents’ help, unable to scream because of shock, unable to help herself or them, she was engulfed in pure unadulterated misery. When she finally did hear the sirens and faraway voices filtering through the darkness, all she’d heard was – “it’s too late.” That’s when she’d prayed for death and mercifully passed out.
“Charli? What are you remembering? You’ve gone very pale and you’re shaking. Baby?”
His edginess penetrated and shocked her into replying to what he’d said earlier. “I’d never treat anyone like that. I couldn’t.”
“But you are, Charli. Tell me why you feel it’s okay to treat little Carolina Madison that way.”
“I don’t… I wouldn’t. Oh my God, but I do.”
“Yes. You do. You’ve closed your heart to the small girl who begs to be forgiven.”
This time the tears were healing. She cried for the years she’d betrayed the defenseless child in the woods, refusing to see her cruelty or the true reality rather than the obscene one she’d clung to.
Blake lay beside her the whole time, his arms a haven of shelter and protection. He hadn’t condemned her. Instead, he’d listened and defended her.
She lifted to a sitting position and found tissues waiting in his hands. Thankful for his consideration, she mopped up her face and lay over on her back, empty and lighter than she’d felt in years.