“I got it for you because you’ll fit in really well with the other littles at Hive in something like this. I didn’t want you to worry about sticking out or people being weird about your clothes.”
Lil sighed and pinched her lips together. “I wasn’t worried about sticking out. It’s a fetish club. People wear stuff from full on puppy play kits to head-to-toe latex to nothing at all. And people are always weird about my clothes.”
When she put it like that…
“Okay, but I didn’t want you feeling bad, especially not your first time out. I was just trying to help.”
“The only thing making me feel bad is you.”
Vance had gone tuna fishing with some friends years ago. They’d chartered a boat, joked around with the leather-faced fishermen who were taking them out, drank too much beer while they waited for something to latch onto one of the long lines, and when his buddy had finally reeled something in, Vance’d had the honor of using the harpoon to anchor the splashing, thrashing fish before they dragged their kill onto the boat. He’d never thought too much about how that massive bluefin felt when the harpoon punctured the layers of skin and fat and muscle, but he was pretty sure he knew now.Fuck.
“Lil, I—”
“No, I get it. I do. But this isn’t really about me at all, it’s about you. Have I ever given you the impression that I’m devastated by the snarky remarks or the pointed stares? Because I notice them, for sure, but I learned to ignore the bad manners and vulgarity a long time ago.”
When he played their times in public over in his mind, he could feel in a visceral way the tight, crawly sensation of self-consciousness within himself but not so much a deep ache of empathy or a fiery urge to vanquish Lilith’s foes. Because she was right—she hadn’t seemed bothered, not really.
After a few beats during which she must’ve realized the conclusion he reached, she gave him a sad smile.
“Vance, I love you but the darkest thing about you is that you listen to Vampire Weekend. I just…”
“But, like, let the record show, your honor, you said you love me,” he pointed out, desperation making his voice tight and manic.
“I do, but I don’t think that’s enough. I can’t be your dirty little secret. The thing you’re happy to toy with in the dark but don’t want to be seen with in the light. I have no problem being tied to your bed but I want it to be because you can’t bear to have me out in the world without you, not because you’re embarrassed by me.”
“I’m not—”
He’d never hated himself more than he did in that moment, when he couldn’t get the words out. Okay, he definitely could hate himself more because tears started to well in Lilith’s eyes and she pinched her lips between her teeth to keep her perfect, pointy chin from trembling.
God he was the worst. The absolute fucking worst.
“You are.”
She let out a shuddery breath that seemed to pass through his skin and straight into his veins. It was so fucking cold in here all of a sudden. Chills prickled down his spine and his stomach froze.
“I can’t change who I am to fit into your life and you can’t accept me the way I am without dying of shame every time someone gives my murder tights the side eye or points at my black lace parasol. So as much as I’ll miss you, this is the end.”
How could a person have everything they’d ever wanted and still feel like their life was being ripped apart at the seams? They had been so happy up until a few minutes ago, everything had been on track and going so very well. He’d been about to bring her to one of his favorite places on earth, introduce her to some of the most important people in his life, and now things were over?
He’d been on cases that had gone sideways, of course. Every lawyer had. But never had he felt so fucking blindsided by an error he’d committed himself. How had he miscalculated so, so badly?
Like he did with all his cases in the aftermath of a bad verdict, he played the details over in his mind, trying to pinpoint when exactly things had gone so very, very wrong. But maybe he’d fucked this up from the very start.
His perseverating was interrupted by Lil climbing off the bed, folding her arms across her chest and then clearing her throat.
“I feel like the worst kind of asshole for asking this but I still can’t…”
Shit. She’d been here with him and he’d talked her into not taking the shitty jobs she’d found and now she was landing right back where she started from, except maybe even worse off because she was in Clover City instead of in Thistledon and he’d hurt her by behaving like a self-centered, snobby-assed, ham-boned idiot.
“Hey, no worries on that score. Seriously. You stay at the cabin in Mountain View for as long as you need to. Charge anything you need to my account at Howard’s. It’s my fault you didn’t pick up work yet so I don’t want to argue. Making sure you’ve got a place to stay is the least I can do.”
“Thank you,” she said softly, her throat working in a swallow as she looked away from him.
“Anything, anytime. Even if we’re not…” Vance couldn’t bring himself to say it. “I’ve got more than enough and I can’t stand the thought of you being unsafe, so…yeah.”
* * *
Several hours later, after he’d packed Lilith and all her things into an SUV from a car service he’d hired to take her back to Thistledon, he was at Hive.