He brought her over to, yeah, a changing table and sat her on the end of it, her feet dangling off the edge. It made her feel even smaller than usual, and kind of…childish.
That wasn’t something that she got to feel often but when she got to steal moments of swinging on swings, blowing bubbles, coloring, watching cartoons, well, she liked it. More than she thought other girls her age did. And she didn’t think most girls would like to be perched on a changing table. Which was what made her say, “No!”
Mr. Fox’s brows went up. “No? What are you saying no to?”
“This is weird and fucked up and you can’t do this to me.”
Oh, wow, the lies that were coming out of her mouth. And what for? There was no one here to see except Mr. Fox who was clearly into this shit since he had a whole room in his house for it. But it felt like something she ought to say. Wasn’t it?
She could see the hurt in his eyes but he blinked and it was gone.
“If that’s true, I’ll help you to the bathroom where you can rinse off and I’ll get you a new shirt. You can sleep in my room and I’ll sleep downstairs on the couch. I don’t…”
Mr. Fox shook his head, looked at the floor, and she felt like the worst kind of asshole. He’d been nothing but nice to her and how was she paying him back? By telling him he was weird and gross. She could be a real bitch sometimes, she knew she could, but this was a lot even for her.
He looked at her again, handsome features completely neutral and she hated it a lot. Hated herself for being the cause of him looking that way instead of him gazing at her kindly, adoringly. She wanted that back: the way he looked like he cared so fucking much, his soft gravely voice when he called her a good girl and coaxed and encouraged her. She felt like she could do anything, endure anything, be anyone if he just kept talking to her like that. And now she’d fucked everything to hell.
“I understand this isn’t for everyone so if it’s not for you I get it and I’ll respect that. Please do me the favor of saying no without quite so much judgment, though. Something like, ‘Mr. Fox, this makes me uncomfortable and I would rather be treated like an adult,’ would do nicely.”
He swallowed and she watched his Adam’s Apple bob in his throat. She was the worst. Like the worst of the worst.
Twyla looked down at her knees because she couldn’t even face him after what she’d said. She felt sick to her stomach in addition to being wet and cold and in pain and this sucked.
What if she… What if she apologized? Would Mr. Fox accept? Would he believe her? She could be reckless but she hadn’t meant to be reckless with his feelings, she just…hadn’t thought of them. And that was pretty fucking awful too.
She had to do something, make some kind of decision because he was still standing there, calm and patient as could be and that wasn’t fair to him either. He could at least be getting himself cleaned up. She could tell him that. But then he’d leave and Twyla knew what would happen then.
She wouldn’t say she was sorry. She wouldn’t tell him that she’d kind of flipped out and that’s why she’d said those awful things, not because she actually believed them. She’d never tell him that she thought he was the most handsome, best man in the whole world and that she really did want him to be her daddy.
No, she would find some way to steal some clothes from him and leave and might drop out of school just so she didn’t have to see him again. Her mom and Wade had thought she was stupid for going back to try to finish and they weren’t afraid to tell her so. She bet Mr. Fox would help her with that. If she could get up the courage to ask, she knew he would.
A few slow breaths didn’t really do anything to help so eventually she just looked up at him, rolled her lips between her teeth before she spoke.
“I’m sorry. I’m not used to…” she gestured around the room and then to him. “Any of this, really. Not just the baby stuff, but like, people being nice to me? And caring? It’s hard?”
Her voice cracked on a question that wasn’t supposed to be a question because that was awful to admit. That she’d never really felt love except from her gram and she’d died years ago.
“It’s not gross and I like you and it feels good to be taken care of but I’m afraid it’s all a dream and this will go away or that I’ll mess up and you won’t want me and I know we’re the only people here but what if someone knew I like this and it’s hard enough to be me already. Like if I’m mean and rude and a total asshole it’s not surprising that no one likes me. But what if I try and they still don’t? That hurts a lot more. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, especially after you’ve been so nice to me and… I just…” She managed to take a deep breath after she’d spilled all those words into the quiet room. “I’m really sorry. And I apologize. And if you give me another chance I’ll try my hardest to be better. But I don’t really know how.”
Mr. Fox could’ve told her it was too little too late and that she needed to leave. She would’ve been devastated but she would’ve understood. Her chest was so tight she could barely breathe while she waited for his answer.
After what seemed like days but was probably like thirty seconds, he cupped her face in his hands, used the pads of his thumbs to brush some of the tears from her cheeks and bent down to kiss her forehead before leaning back so he could look her in the eyes.
“That was really hard, wasn’t it?”
Twyla nodded and tried to bite back the tears that were choking her throat.
“It was really hard but that was a very nice apology and I accept. It would’ve been better for you to tell me all that in the first place but I know that’s difficult if you feel like nothing you say has ever mattered. But your feelings always matter to me and I expect you to trust me with them. I can’t be a good daddy to you if I don’t know how you feel. So this is your one warning. Next time you have a disrespectful outburst like that, you’ll be going over my knee and getting a lesson you won’t soon forget. Understood?”
“Yes, Daddy,” she whispered.
“Good. Now let’s get you changed.”