Chapter 35
Eldas returns to Quinnar alone.He Fadewalks without so much as a word to me. I find out through Drestin that he’s gone and that’s really the biggest jab of them all. The carriage back is as cold and lonely as the castle halls that await me. Not even Hook’s presence can ward off the chill. I spend the hours having a long debate with myself on what I could have, or should have, done differently along the way.
When Quinnar’s castle is visible in the distance, rising up in line with the mountaintops and towering over the fields, I’m not sure of what I feel. A part of me is oddly nostalgic for the place. Another part of me would rather be anywhere other than this carriage, drawing nearer and nearer.
Rinni is waiting for me as the carriage comes to a stop before the castle’s tunnel entry.
“What happened?” she asks—no, demands.
“Harrow—”
“I know what happened with Harrow. I am Eldas’s general, so of course he told me about that.” Rinni steps over to me, hooking her elbow with mine and leading me to the doors. Hook follows closely behind. Her voice drops to a hush as she glances back, looking to make sure the soldiers that rode on the outside of my carriage aren’t following. “What happened between both of you?”
“Nothing happened,” I lie.
“That’s what he said and it’s obviously false.”
“Rinni—”
“I’d started to see changes in him—changes for the better, Luella. I started to see a warmer, gentler side of him. It gave me faith and hope in the man that leads us.” We come to a stop in the large entry hall. The grand stairway arches upward on the opposite end, splitting to the empty mezzanine. It brings back memories of when I first arrived.
Incredibly, I think everything was simpler then. When Eldas was nothing more than a king. And I hardly understood my role as queen.
“But ever since he’s been back… He’s his old self again,” Rinni finishes. “And I know that must mean something happened between you two.”
“I can’t change him, Rinni.” I shrug as if the weight of the world isn’t pulling on my shoulders. If Rinni believes I don’t care, maybe Eldas will too, then maybe I will. And somehow this unbearable spot I’m in might become easier.
She blinks, startled. “I’m not asking or expecting you to. He was changing himself because he believed he could be a man worthy of love—your love.”
I can’t take her words. I don’t want to hear them from her. I wanted to hear them from Eldas. No, I didn’t want to hear them at all. It’s impossible, we can’t love each other. Not under these circumstances, not so quickly.
But what do I know about love? What have I ever known about love? Nothing, and that’s why I messed this up so badly.
I need to return to what I understand and what won’t hurt me—my duty.
“Sorry, Rinni, I think you might be mistaken. But I don’t really have time to discuss it. The days are getting cooler and I have work to do. Hook, come along.”
Rinni stares listlessly at me as I start toward my room. She eventually shadows behind me, but I can tell it’s only out of obligation. She doesn’t say anything else as I tuck myself away to plot and work.
I hope she ends up taking Eldas’s side…he needs her a lot more than I do now.
Eldas doesn’t speak to me for three days. By the fourth, he breaks the silence with a letter. Four simple, emotionless lines, nothing more.
It looks like it will snow again soon.
My kingdom needs you to sit on the throne, or break the cycle.
Which will it be?
How much longer until you’re done and gone?
Done and gone.He wants to wash his hands of me. Rinni was wrong; he doesn’t want love any more than I do. We’re not built for love. We were made to focus on our work.
So that’s what I do.
On the fifth day I’m up in the laboratory, Willow is with me, stealing worried glances until I can’t take it any longer.
“Go ahead and ask,” I say without looking up from my journal. I almost have my plans outlined. There’s just one more thing to be done. I can spare a word for Willow. He’s been kind to me, and none of this is his fault.