My lips twisted in an attempt to stave off a fresh wave of tears. I wasn’t capable of confronting how deeply I was hurt by his absence. Not right now.
“Will you tell him for me? I can’t...I don’t think I can talk to him about this.”
“Of course I will. Post-ass-kicking, I will tell him everything.” She held up one of the pictures. “And then can I give him this? Just to rub in what he missed.”
I laughed. “Make sure to mention how advanced the baby is.”
“Oh, you know it.”
I checked the time on my phone. “Shit, I have to go grab my bag, then get to the tour bus before they leave me.”
“Are you sure you want to go back to work?”
“Definitely. I need to be busy so I don’t go insane. It’ll be good.”
We hugged, then hugged again, before she left for the city and I climbed into my car. My fingers itched to Google, but I resisted. Everything could be fine…or this could be a crisis. Either way, googling would only stress me out without supplying answers.
I poked my belly. “Hey, you. I’m sorry I cried over you. It’s not because you could be imperfect, though. It’s because I worry I won’t be enough to give you everything you need. I’m going to be yourmom, can you believe it? I guess I am your mom already, which, whoa, is kind of crazy. The thing is, I love you already. I don’t know what our future is going to look like, but I know for a fact I’m going to love you until the end of time.”
Little flutters and kicks told me tiny ears were hearing my words. “I have a secret. Your dad is going to love you too. His love might be different than mine, and he might not be around as often, but he’ll love you just as much. You’re so fucking—freakinglucky.”
I started the car, and like fate, an Unrequited song was playing on the radio. “See, baby? That’s Daddy. He’s about to get his butt kicked by Aunt Yael, but hopefully he’ll shape up after that. He’s a wild card, that one. He’s going to keep us guessing until the end.”
As I drove, all alone, my baby fluttering away in my belly, the sun broke through the clouds, warming my face. I was scared shitless, but at the same time, I’d never been more sure about being this baby’s mother.
“It’s you and me, kid. You and me ’til the end of time.”