“Can we not talk about him? I want to focus on the baby.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She kissed my cheek, then patted my belly. “You’re doing awesome, mama.”
We waited and waited, and finally, Dr. Gupta came in with Megan in tow. She greeted me and said she wanted to check something Megan had seen.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
Her smile was kinder than any she’d ever given me, which raised my internal alarm to ear-splitting decibels. “Let’s take a look, then we can talk about it.”
The screen blinked back on, and my dancing, wiggling baby appeared again. Dr. Gupta moved the wand to focus on the baby’s head, humming as she moved it around, taking still images as she went.
“Okay, I see what Megan found as an issue.”
My heart stopped beating. “Oh my god,” I whispered. Yael’s hold on my hand tightened.
The doctor turned the machine off and wheeled her stool next to my bed. “The baby is small right now, so the image is not entirely clear, but the area of concern is the skull. When a fetus is in utero, and post-birth, the sutures of the skull aren’t fused like an adult’s. Megan and I both see an area where it appears the sutures of the skull are overlapping when there should still be space between them. I’m going to send you to a specialist to have another scan in two weeks. This will allow time for the baby to grow, and their machines will deliver a clearer image. I know this sounds scary, but I want to assure you everything else is just as it should be. The heart looks great, and growth is textbook.”
My lip trembled in my attempt to hold back tears. “What does it mean if they are overlapping?”
Dr. Gupta laid her hand on my arm. “It can mean any number of things. I think, at this point, it’s better not to make conjectures. I know this is difficult, believe me. But I want you to try to relax and not worry. The baby is growing right on track, and that healthy heartbeat is very reassuring. Focus on that until your appointment with the specialist. Please call me if you have any questions, andpleasestay off Google.”
“Do you think this is because I’m old?”
She looked taken aback. “You’re not old, Michaela. Among my patients, you’re in the median age. And as I said, it’s unwise to make guesses.”
Her voice was soothing, and I tried to let myself be convinced, but I couldn’t. All I could think was my eggs must have been bottom of the barrel at this point. Then I laid my hand on my belly, guilty for even thinking that. This baby was top-shelf.
As soon as Dr. Gupta and Megan quietly shut the door behind them, Yael had me in her arms, holding me with the same fierceness she’d used to protect me last night.
“How can I not worry?” I quivered.
“It might be nothing. She said the image isn’t clear. In two weeks, the specialist could see something entirely different,” Yael said.
“But what if they don’t?”
“Then they don’t. We will face that if we need to. I promise I will be there with you. You won’t be alone.”
Yael was easy to believe. I didn’t doubt I wouldn’t be alone, but the person who should have been here wasn’t. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right, but I’d made the decision from the beginning to have this baby on my own, and it looked like I’d have to live with that.
We left the office together, Yael holding my hand tight. There was a Dunkin’ Donuts across the street, and she insisted on buying me the biggest, most chocolatey, sprinkled donut they had.
As I stuffed it in my mouth, I smiled. “This helps,” I mumbled around my mouthful of donut.
She sipped her black coffee and gave me a wink. “Chocolate always helps.”
“Says the woman drinking coffee.”
“Well...I need caffeine more than sweets right now.” She picked up one of the ultrasound pictures and smiled. “Holy shit, is this baby cute.”
My chest filled with emotion. “Right? So cute. Who knew twenty-week-old babies could be so kicky? This kid’s gotta be a mega-genius or something.”
“I’m sure that’s true. I have nothing to compare my niece or nephew with, but I’m certain it’s the most advanced baby around. Dr. Gupta and Megan are probably back at the office discussing it right now.” She reached across the table and squeezed my wrist. “I know you’re sad and scared, and I am too. But I also know this baby is loved already, no matter what.”
A tear finally escaped, then another. Yael smiled and wiped my cheeks with her thumbs.
“Thank you. Thank you for being here.”
She waved me off. “That was never a question. And I know you don’t want to talk about Moses, but just know I will be leaving here to go kick his ass.”