“She got pregnant that night, so we’re bound anyway. You might think the decision is whack, but at the time, it was the sanest thing I’ve ever done. But...yeah, she filed for divorce a month later—after completely shutting me out.”
There was a fissure in my chest, wider than it had any business being given the amount of time Michaela and I had spent together. But logic wasn’t touching this fucking heartbreak.
Yael brightened, sitting up straighter. “You’re divorced?”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “I won’t do it. Not until we have a real conversation.”
Murray scratched his chin in thought. “Did she know about the baby when she filed?”
I’d been so caught up in it all, I hadn’t even thought of that. “No. No, she didn’t know yet.”
“Maybe she’s changed her mind,” he offered.
For a second, I had hope. Then I remembered the light in Michaela’s eyes when she spotted the envelope with our fresh divorce papers sitting on her kitchen counter. I deflated—heart, lungs, hope, all sailed out of me.
“Don’t think so.”
Yael threw her head back and groaned, then she walked back over to my chair and fit herself beside me again. “You look like the saddest puppy, Moses. I do not approve of this drunken union, but that doesn’t mean I want your heart to be broken.” She hugged me tight, and I laid my head on top of hers. My sister was difficult, kind of irresponsible about everything except her job, and prone to not taking serious things seriously. Despite all that, she was a good fucking egg. Out of every human in the universe, this girl had my back until the end of time. That didn’t mean she didn’t give me shit when I made decisions she didn’t approve of. It meant she’d give me a hug when those exact decisions gutted me.
“I don’t know what I am. Overwhelmed, mostly. Feeling stupid, confused, fucked up.” I shoved a hand through my hair. “God, I can’t believe I’m going to have a kid. I’ll have to keep an actual tiny human alive.”
Yael patted my chest. “Nannies, bro. You have money, no need to change dirty diapers.”
“Nah, I’m gonna be in the trenches.” The thing Ansel had said about being an up-all-night-covered-in-shit dad echoed in my mind. “Think Dad ever changed a diaper?”
Yael sputtered. “I don’t think he acknowledged our existence until we were ten.”
“Fuck.” I looked at her. “Mom and Dad are going to be grandparents.”
She twisted her finger in the air like a party streamer. “I’m sure they’ll be overjoyed. They’ll pencil in grandparenting right between lunch at the club with Miffy and Biff and their couples detoxifying massage and enema.”
The sad thing was, she was only exaggerating slightly. I could not imagine our uptight, image-is-everything parents being doting, loving grandparents. But stranger things had happened. Guess we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.
We talked for a while about our parents, who lived in a gated community outside of Baltimore. They’d cut me off financially when I was twenty and refused to go back to college. I was okay with that since it kicked my ass in gear and got me serious about making music. For them, it seemed cutting off their monetary support also meant cutting off the whisper of emotional support they gave me. I became the dust they clapped off their hands. Yael still talked to them, especially our mom, but I hardly heard from them.
“Well…” Murray rose to his feet. “I’m gonna head out. Congrats, brother. This is crazy, but I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, man.” I got up and gave him a hug. “I’m expecting you to give this kid its first skateboard lesson.”
He chuckled, pulling back. “You don’t even have to ask. I’m gonna go research if helmets come in newborn size.”
Yael left soon after, saying she had to go do some yoga and think about shit. My sister had a way with words.
Alone again, I watched the ultrasound video three more times, pausing on Michaela’s smile at the end.
I sent her a text.
Me:I’ve watched this video 15 times already. Thank you. This makes it seem more real, you know? I shared it with Murray and Yael. They were just as enthralled.
Michaela:It’s cool, right? I have a lemon-sized human IN MY BODY.
Me:To be honest, I can’t think of anything cooler. My mind’s kind of blown here, Mic.
Michaela:Yeah, I got that by how fast you ran out of my cottage. Since we’re being honest, I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you. I thought I’d send the video as an enticement. No one can resist a blurry, blobby ultrasound.
I had to laugh, but quickly sobered. I didn’t want to be the guy who left. That wasn’t me, but Michaela didn’t know that yet.
Me:I’m sorry for leaving like that. It was a coward move…so was being high off my ass at the party last night. Can we get together tomorrow? I’ll drive out to you.
Michaela:Yes, we should. I actually have to do something for work in the city, so I’ll come to you. I’ve finally gotten my appetite back. Could we meet for lunch?
I told her the name of a diner where we wouldn't be bothered by paparazzi or fans, and she said she’d be there after her meeting. The conversation was normal, light, and every word stabbed me in the chest.
This was my wife, who treated me like little more than a stranger. Now, it was my duty to prove to her we were much,muchmore than that.