“I get that it’s hard—”
“No, you don’t. If you got that it’s hard, you wouldn’t keep showing up, insisting I talk to you. You wouldn’t still be trying to act like my boyfriend when you’renotthat anymore. You chose this, now you have to live with it.”
Leaning forward, I hung my head in my hands. “I’ll leave you alone after this. I just needed to tell you I’m not with anyone else. I didn’t want you to think that’s why I ended us.”
She exhaled slowly, but that was the only sign she’d taken in what I’d told her. I couldn’t tell if she was relieved or didn’t give a shit. “And now, I know. You did your duty, assuaged your guilt, now you can disappear like I asked you to.”
“Elena—”
“You know what, Lock? You’re a coward.”
My brow dropped low. “What makes you say that?”
“You are. I know I’m a lot, but you knew that when this thing started. You pursuedme.But it was all a little too real, huh?” She shook her head. “I look at you, and I see this pillar. You’re so strong, I thought maybe you could hold me up when I needed it.”
“I could’ve. I still will if you need it.”
She shook her head even harder. She was so damn mad at me. “You can’t. You walked away because I was too much.”
“You weren’t too much. Don’t think that for even a second. The problem was—” I broke off, dragging my fingers through my shaggy hair.
“What? Just tell me.”
I dropped my hand, giving her the raw, honest truth.
“You weren’t too much. To me, you’re just right. That’s why I had to walk.”
A delirious laugh burst out of her. “Oh, that’s hilarious. That makes perfect sense.”
This couldn’t keep going on. For either of us. I’d make her see, then she’d be okay. She’d get why this couldn’t work.
“Last week, when I dropped you off after our camping trip, I walked into a family shitstorm. My mother was enraged Saoirse decided to go to college close to my father in Colorado. She’s hurt, we all know that, but it’s coming out as anger, and she’s on a tear. Saoirse is so miserable, she wants to move in with my dad and finish her senior year in Wyoming—which is, yeah, really extreme for her considering she kind of hates the ranch. And my dad—El, he’s like me. He’s a big, taciturn man, and it takes a lot to rile him. He always found my mom’s spurts of temper endearing.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Elena asked with the sharpness of a razor.
“My family is broken because my parents made a selfish choice a long time ago. My dad—Jesus, I don’t know if he’s ever going to be the same. Last weekend, he cried while we were on the phone. It’s been five years since the divorce and he’s still devastated at the way everything has devolved.”
Every crack of his voice had been a lash of a whip. My dad didn’t cry. He rarely raised his voice. He was mellow and thoughtful, and his family had been the cornerstone of his identity. And it all fell apart because it was based on ephemeral hopes and dreams instead of reality.
Listening to my dad’s tears was when I knew. After we slept under the stars, I wanted to keep Elena forever. My mind had jumped years ahead, to me on Ramses, her on the back of one of the gentle mares—Calliope would’ve suited her—riding trails around the ranch together. Her blonde hair streaming against the endless sky, me so fucking proud to call her mine.
But that had been a dream, just like my parents’. The reality was Elena’s obligations were here, and mine were more than a thousand miles away. Right now, we were running parallel, but I’d veer off on a different course, and there was no taking her with me. Ending things with her had been eviscerating, but it had been the right thing to do for her—andfor me. I didn’t want to wind up like my dad, pining for the woman he’d never have again.
“That’s awful, and I’m sorry your family is going through that, but I still don’t know why you’re telling me this.” Some of the coldness had melted from her. She was looking at me now. Not meeting my eyes, but her gaze was on me.
“I’m telling you I could never do that to you. I care about you too much to take this further. We could stay together until graduation, but then what? I’m leaving, El, and you’re staying here with your family. There’s no future, even if—”
Before I could finish my thought, her phone rang, cutting me off. She hesitated, then grabbed it, frowning at the screen.
“Hello?” Twisting in her seat, she gave me her back. “What? When?”
Alarm straightened her spine. Her shoulders shot up.
“How could you not know? Where were you?”
Her voice broke, thick with anger and unshed tears. I was out of my seat, crouching by hers in an instant. Glassy eyes lifted to mine, hitting me like a sheet of ice. The person on the other end of the line wasn’t delivering good news.
“Okay, I’m coming. If she wakes up, tell her I’ll be there soon.”