Julien clucked his tongue. “Junkie trash.”
Marco’s nostrils flared. “Stupid fuck. Now Amir’s never going to sell to him. He should’ve gone to the corner if he needed a hit that bad.”
They bantered back and forth about the man, César. How his desperation stank. That he was about to lose his house because all his money went up his nose and into his veins. He’dalreadylost his kids. They were laughing at how low he’d fallen, that he’d let himself get there.
“Cognitive dissonance.” It tumbled out of my mouth, only a whisper, but Julien stared at me, leaning closer.
“What’d you say?”
I lifted my eyes to his. “I said cognitive dissonance. You’re making fun of César for being hooked on drugs, but you live with the man who sells them to him. He’s your best friend.” I touched my forehead. “I mean, I do it too, but I guess I didn’t find anything about what just happened funny.”
Julien reached across the table, laid his palm on my wrist. “You’re not wrong. I’m always gonna be on Amir’s side, but I get what you’re saying, Z.”
Marco scrubbed his mouth and exhaled, turning his head to the side. “Insensitive,” he muttered.
“I’m not trying to police you guys,” I rushed out. “I swear, I’m not. That was more about me realizing something. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
My stomach lurched with feelings that weren’t happy ones, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I couldn’t talk to Amir about how much I’d hated that scene. He’d told me in no uncertain terms his job wasn’t up for discussion. And that man…I didn’t know anything about him, he might have been a rapist or a serial killer, but the anguish in his eyes would stay with me for a while.
Marco turned back, his dark eyes blazing into mine. “You have to be a lot tougher than that, Zadie. That shit was nothing. Do you hear me? He keeps his business separate, but it bleeds. If a low-life junkie’s gonna make you sad, then you need to walk, because you’re going to be facing a lifetime of sad.”
My mouth fell open as Julien pulled his hand away from my arm to slap the hell out of Marco’s. I slumped back against the booth, willing myself not to cry. This wasn’t the time or place. I had to think, but I couldn’t do that here, with the giant, bickering men across from me, the bass rattling my bones, three drinks swimming through my blood.
Amir slipped back in the booth, straightening his sleeves, then wrapped his arm around me. His mouth touched my cheek, sliding up to my ear.
“I’m sorry, mama. You didn’t need to see that.”
I nodded, curling into him. “Can we go soon?”
He peered down at me. “What’s wrong? Did something happen while I was gone?”
“No, I just got tired all of a sudden. If you’re not ready, I can wait. It’s okay.”
Amir lifted his chin to Marco and Julien, who’d stopped bickering when he’d showed, and were now watching the two of us with warring expressions. Julien’s was soft, almost wistful. Marco’s lip was curled in the barest sneer, making him seem dubious, and I knew that was aimed squarely at me. He probably viewed my doubts as disloyal, and maybe he was right. I certainly didn’t like where my mind had gone tonight.
“We’re heading out,” he told them. “See you in the morning.”
Within minutes, we were out of the club and in his SUV. Amir kept one hand on me during the drive back to his house, like he was afraid I’d get lost. The thing was, I was already lost. I couldn’t forget that man’s anguish, and I hated it.
I was truly my father’s daughter, helpless in the face of suffering.
“What happened to him?” I asked.
Amir started at my sudden question, his hand flexing on mine. “I had security remove him. I hope he went home and slept it off, but knowing what I do, he’s probably looking to score somewhere else.” In my periphery, his head turned to study me for a second before he focused on the road again. “Were you scared?”
“No. I think I’d say surprised.”
He scoffed lowly. “Me too. That never,everhappens. He must’ve seen me tonight and gotten desperate enough, he took a chance. The people I deal with know discretion is my top priority, and that scene tonight was anything but discreet.” He slammed the heel of his palms against the steering wheel. “Goddamn motherfucker little bitch.”
Amir roared, and I did my best not to cower. His anger wasn’t at me. It probably wasn’t even wholly at that addict. Nevertheless, I’d been a victim of a man’s anger over things not going the way he wanted, so it was hard for me to exist in this too-small vehicle and not be afraid.
Panting, Amir grappled with my hand until our fingers were woven together. I squeezed, both for him and me, and he squeezed back even harder.
“That never should have happened. Never. He shouldn’t have come near you.” He brought our joined hands to his mouth to kiss my knuckles one at a time. “I’m sorry, Zadie. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I nodded in the dark. “I know you are.”
In his bedroom, Amir undressed me like a delicate doll, slowly lowering my dress until it pooled at my feet, following the fabric with his lips on my skin. He seemed to understand I needed this from him. For him to prove he could be gentle and loving, even after he’d exploded with hatred in his truck less than half an hour ago.