I started for the bathroom, but only got two steps before I was launched backward onto the bed, Theo landing on top of me.
“Hi,” I breathed.
“It’s your birthday.” Oh, he sounded displeased.
“Yeah.”
“It’s yourbirthday.”
I nodded. “I’m twenty, weee.”
I could practically feel the thunder booming in his skull. “It’s your birthday, Helen.”
“Yeah, it is. Why does that make you angry?”
His elbows bracketing my head, he shoved his fingers in the sides of my hair. “You didn’t think to tell me? Like an asshole, I show up late as hell to that party and don’t even wish my girl a happy birthday?”
I rubbed my feet on the backs of his calves. “It’s no big deal. I never make my birthday a thing.”
“Helen…” He growled my name like a warning, but since I was me, I didn’t heed it.
“If you’re worried about my friends thinking you’re shitty for not wishing me a happy birthday, don’t worry. They were more traumatized by the sounds they hear—”
“No.” His fingers fisted, tilting my head back. “I give a shit what they think because they’re your friends. But I’m not thinking about them. I’m thinking I would’ve liked to make an effort for you. I’m thinking I would’ve taken you to dinner, gotten you a present,something.” He rolled off me, rubbing the heel of his hand into his eye.
“Boyfriend things,” I whispered.
“Shit.”
I turned over, tucking myself into his side. His arm came around me, pulling me even closer. I was sleepy, and Theo was warm, so even though we were in the middle of something, I was close to drifting off. My fingers traced the ridges of his abs and hips, and for once, I didn’t want to climb on his dick. I liked this, being close, touching his warm skin, hearing him breathe. It wasn’t something I’d experienced before. I’d consider it a birthday treat.
“I’m good with how my birthday turned out.”
His arm tightened. “Good.” His lips touched my temple. “Your friends care about you.”
“They do. Pretty sure Bash and Gabe would happily hide a dozen dead bodies for me.”
“Not surprised. You’ve got a way about you.”
I laughed into his chest. “A way that you think I’d have a dozen dead bodies to hide?”
That made him huff a short laugh. “No. I meant you’d inspire that kind of loyalty.”
“Mmm.” I didn’t know how to answer that, but it made my chest feel like there were hot coals piled inside.
After a beat of silence, Theo spoke again, his voice rough and deep. Still lovely, though. “It was incredibly hard not to think about them knowing what you feel like from the inside.”
I tapped on his chest, needing his attention so he really heard me. “Ancient history. Besides, no onereallyknows except you.”
His breath stopped. He got it. He was the only one who’d taken me raw. What he didn’t get was he had me in a way no one ever had. I couldn’t put a name to it, but I knew it was the truth. And realizing that made me all kinds of uncomfortable.
“Tiger,” he murmured, his lips to my crown.
This was too much for me to handle. His soft voice, my feelings, just no. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“I’m tired as hell, Theodosius. Time for me to turn in.” I extracted myself from his arms and nearly leaped from the bed. “I call the bathroom first.”
Then I was safe behind the door of my bathroom, staring at myself hard in the mirror.
“We do not catch feelings for twinkly-eyed rich boys. Stop being dumb.” I shook my toothbrush at my reflection. “You’re a hard-ass bitch. You give boys a baseball bat to the balls, not your heart. Shut it down, Helen.”
My Mads wouldn’t be happy I was putting myself through this. She’d had a lot to say in the ten months I knew her. Her most pervasive advice was to never shut out experiences and to live life like it was supposed to be lived: to the goddamn fullest.
But she wasn’t here anymore, and my reflection agreed with me. I didn’t like Theo Whitlock. I had no room for that. Sex, yes. Friendship, sure. Beyond that was out of the question for us both.