I wonder what I’ll be like then. I closed the backyard gate as I looked past the kitchen window into the living room. Would I be a cool, laid-back parent like Dana’s or a strict one? Would I even be able to have kids? If so, I hoped to be better than some of the examples I had seen. My mom was pretty cool, though sometimes a little gossipy. Most of the people I knew in school either had terribly strict parents, or parents who didn’t give a shit about them. What were yours like?
Dana and I climbed into the jacuzzi, and as the bubbles began to form a cloud of warm air around us, I felt my anxieties start to drift away along with the pain in my left ankle. It was nice to sit there and not think of anything while we sipped on the cold beer.
“Hey there,” I said once Dana’s mom let the dog out.
“Hey girly.” Dana reached her arm out. Her dog stood on the deck, body and neck stretched down toward the water as Dana shifted in her direction.
“So,” Dana began, then she sipped her beer and stopped for a second, leaving room for my dreaded thoughts to tiptoe back into sight. My memories of that afternoon with Thad bashed against the sides of my head.
“Tell me something,” she said, then paused before adding, “since you’re obviously not going to tell me what the hell is wrong with you today, answer this question.”
I closed my eyes for a second and gulped as if I were looking at a long needle coming toward me, sitting in the health clinic with my mom and siblings awaiting our yearly vaccinations. Then I nodded.
“Areyouseeing anyone?”
My stomach ascended as if I were dropping from the tallest peak of the Millennium Force roller coaster. I don’t know why I was so nervous. I wasn’t seeing anyone. Thad wasn’t even my friend yet.
“No.” My eyes looked to the side quickly.
“Oh come on! You never tell me anything. You’ve never once told me about anyone you like. You’ve got to like someone,” she insisted.
“It’s nothing. I promise there’s nothing wrong today. I’m tired.”
“Mhmm yeah okay, bullshit. Like I believe that.”
“Dana. I’m not interested in anyone. Really. And even if I were, I’m not really the type of person people are interested in,” I stuttered, realizing it probably was true.
I genuinely didn’t think people liked me like that. I had never once been asked out. I don’t even think anyone had ever actually flirted with me, other than play flirting with Dana and a few other girls at our lunch table.
“Bullshit. Why would you say that, Étienne? Of course people like you. You’re like the only guy in school who actually puts himself together every day.”
“Then why does no one ever show interest in me?” I blurted out unintentionally.
“Argh. Étienne.” She threw her hands up. “Peopleareinterested in you. You’re too self-conscious to see it. You’re literally in your own world most of the time. Sometimes I even hear you whispering to yourself.”
That was true. I did talk to myself a lot. And I did daydream a lot. But I mean seriously, were people really interested in me?
Dana continued, “You need to open yourself more and stop hiding in the shadow of me and our friends. Just talk to people. Reach out. Loosen up.”
I glanced over at her, then inhaled.
“The only reason we’re friends is because I forced you to talk to me that day on the swings,” she added.
There is truth to that.
“Okay. Fine,” I said before adding, “maybe there is someone I like. But I don’t know if they like me. And I’m not telling you who it might be yet.” That was terrifying to say. And I made sure to not specify the gender. I didn’t think Dana would care, but I wasn’t ready to share yet. The fact is, I didn’t actually like anyone, but it was the only way of getting her off my back.
“Finally,” she groaned, taking a gulp of her beer before adding, “you finally fucking said something.”
Maybe I should stop being such a brooder and talk to people.I took a sip of the beer.
Dana and I ended up having two beers each after her mom went to bed, so I decided to walk home and not take a chance in having her drive me.
As I walked home, a calming feeling flowed through my body, probably due to the alcohol in my system. I usually only took sips from my mom’s vodka and sprite after dinner while she watched reruns ofER. It was really late by the time I got home—or really early, since it was the next day. Instead of going into the house and risking the loud creak from the side door, I decided to lie in my sister’s hammock hanging between the only tree in our backyard and a hook she installed on the side of the garage.
Hopefully that hook will hold, I thought, looking up as I climbed in and flung my left leg out of the side. I lay there for a moment, then heard a faint raspy bark from inside the house.Dammit, Frankie. You’re going to wake everyone.
I jumped out of the hammock and opened the door as slowly as possible to avoid the creaking. “Come on, Frankie. Go potty,” I whispered as he sniffed the grass. He didn’t want to go, though. He wanted to be outside with me, his usual nighttime partner. I grabbed him and placed him on my chest once I re-entered the hammock.