“How do you think your sister would react?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe she’d be fine.”
“Like I said. You don’t have to say anything. But I think it might make you feel better about it if you did have someone you could tell,” I said. “I haven’t told any of my friends either. Except one person.”
I explained that I had one person—just one—who I could talk to about this and who I knew didn’t judge me. It was my coworker, Rhonda. She was so far enough removed from my life that whoever she spoke with wouldn’t have known me.
“She seems cool.” He grinned.
“She is.”
Thad slipped on his shoes. And then pulled me in for a tight hug, which he desperately needed. We held on to each other for a while. Much longer than a normal hug. Like that time in the pool when I needed him. This time, he needed me. And I wanted to hold on as long as I could for him.
“Hey,” I began before he reached the sidewalk.
He looked up. I winked. And his pale cheeks blushed.
SUNDAY 15 JUNE 2008
19
WHAT DID I SAY?
Ididn’t expect to drink as much as I had during Rhonda’s gathering. The vibration coming from my phone woke me up earlier than I would have liked. Only parts of the night were present in my memory after revealing what had happened the night of Thad’s birthday. I do remember Rhonda handing me another drink, and then her friend Kate made me take a shot of something, which was my tipping point. I woke up in Rhonda’s spare bedroom. My clothes were folded and put away. And I was by myself.
I pulled my phone out from under the pillow, wondering why it was there since I always keep it on my nightstand. The spare bedroom had a nightstand as well. Maybe I wanted it to be close in case. In case of what? I’m not going there. Then I grabbed my glasses, whichwereon the side table.
I flipped my screen open and saw a message from Thad.Are you alright?the message read.
I looked around the room again to make sure I hadn’t done anything, but it looked tidier than when I first dropped my bag next to the bed the day before.Wait. Did I call him last night?I checked my call history.You idiot.I called him at three in the morning.Shit. I hope I didn’t make a fool of myself.I really hoped I hadn’t. Thad was already feeling uncertain about our relationship. And if I jeopardized that, I’d hate myself for it.
“Hey,” I whispered through the phone. I wasn’t sure if Rhonda was awake yet.
“Hey. Are you all right this morning?”
“What do you mean? I, ah. I don’t remember calling you last night. What happened?” I asked.
“Well. You called me really late to tell me you wanted to kiss my face.” He laughed before adding, “Then you started falling asleep on the line as you were confessing your love for me.”
My heart began to thump loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood. What had I done? Yes, I felt that way. But I was definitely not ready to say it out loud, especially not to him. This could have pushed him away.You’re an idiot, Étienne. You blew it.I felt my anxieties materializing within a short distance of my vision.This shouldn’t have happened. I should have stayed home and kept quiet.
“Do you really feel that way?” he asked. He already guessed the answer from my silence. “You do then.”
“Thad I…I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to come out like that. This is going too fast. I’m stupid.”
“Hey. Relax. It’s…it’s a bit sudden. But…” He paused before adding, “It’s okay.”
“This is so embarrassing. I’m never drinking again.” I hit the pillow next to me.
“Étienne. You’re all right. Tell me about the night?” He changed the subject.
I gave him a recap of my night and talked about all the people Rhonda knew. Though I left out the part of me telling everyone about him. And about our relationship. I didn’t want to worry him more. I was really attracted to this person. Not just physically attracted. Something clicked between us. Imagine observing someone from afar for years, then finding out they liked you too. It had to mean something more. Right?
“Want to maybe hang out today?” I asked. I wanted to see him. We hadn’t seen each other since early Friday morning.
“Can’t really go out right now. My parents are pissed I didn’t come home Thursday night.” He sighed before adding, “Plus, my dad’s being weird around me. Not sure why.”
Thad said I probably should go home and relax since I had ingested so much booze the night before, which was a good idea. I got up from the bed and sneaked into the bathroom with my bag to get ready for the day. From what I could see past the hallway as I entered the bathroom, the living room looked cleaned up.Is Rhonda awake?