“What’s she like?” He looked me in the eye as we turned and kicked off the pool wall.
“She’s fine, I guess. She’s been getting into my business lately and telling my mom things she shouldn’t, which is really annoying. And my mom always makes a big deal about me, so now I’ve been trying to stay away from them both.”
“My sister used to do that when we were a lot younger. I don’t think she cares anymore now that she’s going off to college. We are kind of close, though.”
“Yeah, see. We always got along. I think her boyfriend is kind of a negative influence. I don’t really like him.” I rolled my eyes.
“I wish I had younger siblings. It’s just the two of us,” he said.
He talked about how his parents constantly pressured him to push further in hockey. And how his older sister would defend him when his parents were being unreasonable. “Now she wants to go away to college next year. What am I going to do?”
“You could call me. If you wanted,” I replied without thinking.What is wrong with you, Étienne. How much creepier could you be?
“I could.” He laid his head on the kickboard, facing me.
We drifted across the water for a few more laps in silence, living in the moment and splashing each other. The sadness and rage I felt earlier in the day after the ice rink faded away as if it never happened.
“What about your dad?” He broke the peaceful humming produced by the circulation system hanging above the pool.
No. Not that.I was not ready for that. His eyes widened as I felt the color leave my face.
“Um. My uhh… My dad died last year.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
I waved and cut him off before he could finish. “It’s okay. I don’t talk about it much.”
“Why not. You need to let it out sometime,” he replied.
I need to let it out sometime? When did you become a therapist?
“Sorry. That was pushy,” he said.
“No. It’s all right. You have a point. I’m not sure how to talk about it. He made a choice in his life, which ended up killing him. He chose to do it, and it took him away from us.”
“What happened?” He lifted his head off the kickboard.
“Well…” My voice cracked. “He was a heavy smoker and had been since he was a teenager.”
“Oh.” He tightened his facial muscles, moving his ears back a smidge.
“I hated it. Actually, we all hated it. And we all begged him over the years to quit. I even once infuriated him by destroying the freshly packed cartons of cigarettes my aunts and uncles sent him from overseas.”
“Yeah. That probably didn’t go down well.” Thad’s kicking started to become less noticeable.
“It didn’t stop him. My dad had two choices when he got the news from the doctor: pick us or pick his bad habit.” My throat cracked, becoming sore like it did earlier. “He had more than two choices if you think about it. There were four of us, actually five including my mom. He still chose the one over the five.”
“It’s okay,” he encouraged as I hesitated to continue.
“The end was slow. And horrible. And painful. He could barely breathe and continued to sneak in a cigarette while hooked up to oxygen.” My eyes started to hurt.How stupid could you be to do that, though? Light a cigarette next to a canister of oxygen.“He chose his little accessory over us until his last day, while my mom and I took care of him and cleaned up his sick.” I felt myself cracking as my eyes swelled even more. And a strong feeling of grief and regret fell over me as I realized that I ended up hating him. I loved my dad, but his actions turned that love into worry, then into hate.
I hadn’t noticed that I let go of the kickboard and was standing motionless in the middle of the pool. I’d never told someone how I felt about my father’s death. Not even Dana.
The hatred and sorrow mixed with the realization of what I had said out loud, it was too much for me to handle all at once. My watery eyes began to weep, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.Why am I doing this?I thought to myself as I headed toward the edge of the pool.Get yourself together, you idiot.I needed to get out of there. This was far too much to handle, especially out in public.
But I never made it to the edge of the pool. Thad reached out for me and pulled me in. He wrapped his arms around my back and his warm body held tightly to mine. I was wrapped in a much-needed blanket, a comforting sensation I didn’t know I wanted so badly.
This only lasted for a short moment before I came to, understanding that I was in the grip of this beautiful person who had approached me only a week earlier. I pulled my head up and he loosened his grip, letting me step back.