Chapter 4 - Gavin: Memory Lane
The car ride was silent for the most part. Dan busied herself with looking outside and avoiding any sort of contact with me.
“Gavy,” Axel called my name from the back. It was cute how he couldn’t pronounce Gavin, so he had shortened it and come up with a name all his own. The nickname felt like a badge of honor that he had given me.
I looked at him through the rearview mirror. “Yeah, buddy?”
“Are you a superhero?”
“Depends on who is asking. Why?”
“I think my daddy is a superhero.”
In my peripheral, I watched Danny tense in her seat. This was a topic that was a little close to home, and I knew she wouldn’t want to discuss Axel’s father with me in the car like this. But Axel was too young to understand.
“Really?” I said, “Who told you that?”
“Mommy,” he said with a little toothy grin.
I chanced a glance at Danny. She was playing with the ends of her hair and her eyes were set ahead of us no longer looking at the trees outside. She bit down on her lip nervously. She was uncomfortable.
I opened my mouth to say something but, like usual, Axel kept going on.
He made a huffing sound, “Mommy says he lives far away and can’t come to visit me because he does importment things.”
I chanced a glance at Danny, and I saw the look of despair and pain on her face. She never spoke of Axel’s father. That was a secret that everyone around her kept close to their chest. I wanted more than anything to know who this asshole was and what he had done to Danny to dim her light—because I was 90% sure that he had been a major reason for her sadness. But I didn’t want to hear about him like this.
“Hey, buddy, you want to hit up the Benji’s after I run my errands?” Axel had expressed many times his love for Benji’s and, hopefully, this would take his mind off the topic of his father.
“Yeah! Can I get two scoops of cream?” He meant ice cream. And just like that, the heavy question he had just dropped was forgotten and he was back to being a happy little kid.
“Whatever you want, buddy,” I said, looking at him through the rearview mirror. When I turned to look at Danny, she mouthed a thank you and settled back into her seat. She didn’t relax, though. Her back was rigid and her eyes looked a little glossy.
During our shopping trip, I could tell that she was uneasy. She was smiling, but her smile wasn’t reaching her eyes.
I had this strong urge to gather her into my arms and hold her until she finally allowed herself to let out whatever she was feeling inside. But I held back. Danny had boundaries now, and I needed to respect those boundaries. Only when she gave me the green light would I step over them. The name of the game was patience.
I was not surprised that so many of my old emotions were resurfacing again. Love never leaves. It only morphs into another version of love. But the love I had for Danny was that deep kind of love that takes root in the very depths a soul. That kind of love never changes. At times, it can go into hibernation and be stored away temporarily, but it’s always there.
While I had been in the grocery store, I had picked up a packet of sour gummies. I remembered when we were kids; these were Danny’s comfort food whenever she felt upset or sad or overwhelmed. I didn’t know if she still liked them, but it was worth a try. I hated seeing the despair in her eyes. It broke something in me.
After all the errands had been run, I kept my word and took Axel and Danny to Benji’s.
Benji’s was any little kid's dream. It was this big ice cream parlor that had an indoor jungle gym with ball pits and all. I knew that this would be a most welcomed distraction that Danny was looking for.
We had only just walked in and Axel had made a bee-line right for the ball pit. Danny didn’t try to stop him and so we just took our seats not too far away from the play area and allowed him to enjoy himself.
He ran over to this little girl who had been playing by herself and, instantly, they became friends. They climbed into the ball pit with one another and started playing around.
I sometimes missed the simplicities of being a kid. Your mind and heart weren’t calloused by the world around you, and you looked at the world through hopeful eyes. You didn’t have to have your guard up. You didn’t need to have barbed wire around your heart. You could live freely because all you saw around you was goodness.
I had been like that. Before the money and the second-hand fame I received from Callum got to me. In the eyes of many I had it all until I woke up one day, I realised that I in fact had nothing. It was all a mirage and I had no one
“Thank you, by the way,” Danny’s voice brought me out of my reverie.
“What are you thanking me for exactly?”
“What you did with Axel, changing the subject.” She bit down on her lip again. A tell that she was nervous. “I know he is getting older and will be needing answers, but I don’t know what to tell him.”