My beautiful and sweet strong girl. If you are reading this, then it means that I’m gone. I wished I had been able to say what I’m about to say to you to your face, but I understand your anger. You have the right to be angry with me.
Where do I even begin? How do I even begin to apologize for all that I have done to you? No sorry will erase your pain or mend what I broke, but I hope you hear me out.
When your father died in that car accident, I lost a piece of me. He was my better half. He was the goodness inside of me. He was my rock and pillar and, when I lost him, I lost my stability. I lost my foundation, and I just crumbled.
I was meant to be there for you guys, but I wasn’t. All I wanted was for that pain to stop. It felt like I was being brought to the brink of death and then being left to hang there in no man’s land. I didn’t know how to cope, so I turned to the only thing I knew would lessen the pain.
I never told you this, but when I was 18 years old, I was hooked on drugs. I had started using recreationally at first but then, soon enough, I was addicted. Your father helped me through my treatment. He was the angel in all the darkness. I thought I had rid myself of my addiction, but it turned out I had just replaced one drug for another. Your father was like my new addiction.
I had replaced the cocaine with him. I hadn’t seen it at first but now, after all the treatments, I realized that I had a dependency problem. Maybe it stemmed from childhood and some childhood trauma I never got over, I’m not sure.
When I lost my second drug, your father, I sought comfort in my original medication. It all tumbled down from there. None of this is meant to excuse any of my behavior because I should have never turned to drugs, but I just want you to get the full picture.
After you left, I realized just how far I had spiraled, and I knew I needed to get right again. For you and Ethan. So I did the work, and I put in the effort. I fell short a few times, but I kept getting back up and, when I knew I was in a good place, the cancer diagnosis came.
It was too far gone for the treatments to be effective, so I decided that it was time for me to make amends.
I know my sorry means nothing, but Jade, I am sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not being the mother you deserved. I am sorry for neglecting you when you needed me most. And I am so sorry for not holding your hand when you reached out to me.
I never told you of the cancer because I didn’t want you to forgive me simply because I was sick. I wanted you to forgive me because your heart had healed enough. I wish I could stay longer so I could earn your forgiveness, but my time is running out.
I was not a mother back then but, if I could give one piece of motherly advice, it would be to live with no regrets. Live with your heart wide open. Enjoy the big things but don’t forget to celebrate the little things and never forget to show up for yourself. I watched you put everyone else before yourself for the majority of your adolescent life. Choose you at every corner and every avenue.
I’m so incredibly proud of the woman you have become, and I can’t wait to watch you from above with your father,
I love you with all my heart and soul,
Mom
By the time I finished reading the letter, there were teardrop stains all over it. I pressed the letter against my chest and cried.
I cried for the loss of my mother. I cried for the pain I had experienced as a child. I cried for the relationship I never got to have with her. Finally, I cried for the broken woman who had found comfort in white lines.
“I forgive you,” I cried.
By the time I was done crying, my body felt spent and fatigue was setting in. I had almost drifted off to sleep when a loud knocking jolted me awake.
I looked at the clock on the side of my bed, and it showed 12:26 AM.
I walked out of my room and headed downstairs. When I pulled the door open, I was shocked to see Grayson standing at my door.
“Grayson?”
“What was her name?”