She shook her head. “Nope. I know that it’s not very nice but we did easy the first time and look how that turned out.”
He doubted that she didn’t really care. He’d hurt her and he wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to wound him the same way. He deserved that for running out on his marriage to her.
He was relieved when he heard the sound of footsteps behind them and glanced over to see the waiter from the hotel delivering their salads. Food was the distraction they needed so he didn’t have to continue to answer uncomfortable questions about himself.
He wasn’t sure that this plan of his was being executed to its best advantage. He needed to regroup. But he didn’t want just to approach Alysse as though she was a mission. He kept getting distracted by the scent of her perfume and the way her hair blew in the wind.
After the waiter left, he lifted his glass toward her. “To second chances.”
“To earned second chances,” she said, taking a sip of her wine. “I’m sorry if I sounded mean before...”
He had to laugh. It was not Alysse’s nature to speak harshly to anyone. He’d learned that during their week together. “You didn’t. Don’t apologize for your anger at me. I feel incredibly lucky that you agreed to stay for dinner.”
“I’m not sure I agreed, but I do have a lot of questions about the way our marriage ended and about you,” she said.
“You deserve to have them answered and much more. But not tonight,” he said.
She gave him a hard-level stare and he knew she was searching for answers in his eyes. He didn’t know what the future held so he tried to convey the only thing he was certain of, which was his sincerity.
They ate dinner and talked about things that didn’t really matter to him. Books and movies that he hadn’t seen or read; he was behind on his popular culture. And there was a little awkwardness to the evening. But that was to be expected. What he hadn’t anticipated was how much he wanted her still. And that that was the only thing he could think about.
* * *
“HOW LONG ARE you on leave?” Alysse asked after the waiters had left.
“Two weeks. I’m actually due to sign my reenlistment papers soon,” he said.
“And what?” she asked. “You want to spend them with me?”
“I’d like to.”
“I’m not changing my life for you, Jay.”
“I don’t expect you to,” he said. “I know that I’m very lucky that you agreed to have dinner with me.”
She gave him a half smile. “You are lucky. Are you thinking about getting out of the Corps?” she asked.
“I really don’t know. When we’re done eating I’ll take you on a ride on my Ducati, so you can let the wind clear your mind.”
“Um...a ride on a motorcycle will likely make me feel like I’m going to die,” she said.
“Ah, I won’t drive like a maniac, you’ll be safe with me. I promise.”
She didn’t want to believe him, but she did. She wanted to hold on to her anger and just stew in it for as long as she could, because being angry was insulation against starting to feel again.
“I’ll think about it. If you don’t go back in the Corps what will you do?” she asked.
“A lot of that depends on you.”
“It can’t. You have to want to get out for yourself.”
“I don’t really know,” he said, then pushed his hands through his hair. “I hate being indecisive but my future isn’t as set in stone as it once was.”
“Why?” she asked. “Did something happen? Our marriage wasn’t enough to change your mind?”
“Nothing happened,” he said. Nothing he wanted to talk about at least, she thought. He’d been raised to be strong and he wasn’t going to admit to her that he was a little scared of the future. “I’m just getting older,” he told her.
She knew there was more to it than that but he was still not ready to really talk to her. She put her napkin on her plate and stood up.
“It’s been nice but I think I’ll be going,” she said.
“Why? What did I say?”
“It’s what you’re not saying. You ask me to give you a second chance. Telling me nice-sounding platitudes and then when I ask you for something real, it’s back to the smoke and mirrors.”
She stared down at him. And then, when he kept silent, she shook her head. “Good luck, Jay.”