Ink crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe. “You want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?”
“I’m not ten, Ink. I can fall asleep on my own.”
“I know. I’m just trying to help.”
“Don’t.”
“Neon—”
“What do you want, Ink? Huh? Do you want me to fall at your feet and confess my undying love to you? Do you want me to spread my legs for you so you can say you finally managed to fuck the one woman no one around here ever has?”
“Stop, okay?”
“I’m serious. You’re like a goddamn child who can’t get a hint. Stop trying to fucking save me.”
He straightened. “Is that what you think I’m trying to do? Save you?”
“It sure as fuck seems like it.”
“Believe me, I know I can’t save you.” His eyes darkened, pinning me with a pointed stare. “I need to live with that every goddamn day, knowing I couldn’t do shit to keep you safe. And it’s eating away at me like some fucking virus, the fact that I couldn’t save you.”
“So, what, I should feel sorry for you now? I should take pity on you because you feelguiltyfor not saving me?”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Then what are you saying, Ink?” I blurted. “What the fuck are you saying? Because clearly, I’m not getting the fucking message.”
He moved closer, his hard gaze never leaving mine. “It’s been months since I picked you up from that sidewalk. Months since I realized everything I’ve ever wanted was right here under this fucking roof—and that includes you, Neon.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, well, you’ve made that abundantly clear over the years that you wanted to get into my pants.”
“Is that what you think I want?” A fake smile tugged at his lips. “To get into your fucking pants?”
“Isn’t it?”
Our gazes remained locked for what felt like an eternity before he finally took a step back. “Losing you fucked me up, Neon. It rewired my goddamn brain, and now I can’t think of anything else.”
“Fuckedyouup? You think what happened fuckedyouup?” I pushed myself up, anger simmering on the surface. “I’m sorry that me being kidnapped and tortured fuckedyouup. I fucking apologize that me getting raped repeatedly, feeling like my spine was being broken in half, fuckedyouup.” I pushed forward while he remained unmoved. “I’m fucking sorry that me spending hours while having savages tear my body apart fuckedyouup, Ink.”
“Neon, stop.”
“I’m real fucking sorry that having every hole filled with cock while my blood stained the floor around me fuckedyouup.” I pushed a finger against his chest, rage reaching the boiling point inside my veins while tears stung my eyes. “And I am so goddamn sorry that you’re the one who got fucked up while I was busy dying over and over and over—”
“Stop!” Ink grabbed my wrist as I tried to slam my fist into his chest, pulling me against him and wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
“Let go of me.” I wept, thrashing against him.
“No.”
“Let go of me!”
“Never.” His arms tightened around me, locking me in place while I couldn’t stop myself from fighting. “I told you before, I’m never letting you go.”
My tears soaked his shirt as I felt his heat sweep through me, attempting to thaw the ice that covered my skin. But even with Ink’s arms around me, the torment wouldn’t let go, still clawing at my chest, trying to tear my heart apart. Trying to destroy the last bit of humanity I had left. It was excruciating, and I tried to fight it. Tried to be strong enough to not let it possess me, and in the end define me. But it was hard. Some days it wastoohard…and most days I failed. Every day was a battle, a war against my own thoughts, and I was tired. So fucking tired of trying to keep the pieces together. But the longer Ink had his arms tightly wrapped around me, the more I allowed myself to surrender to the comfort he was so determined to give. I hated it, but I needed it. I needed it so damn much I allowed myself a short reprieve and soaked up the warmth that seeped through him into me. Just a few moments of letting someone else carry this burden that weighed so heavily on my already broken soul…just a few seconds of peace.
His fingers weaved through my hair at the back of my head. “I lost you once, Neon. I’m not losing you again.”
He loosened his hold around me a little, and I instinctively took advantage of it by jerking out of his arms, retreating one uncomfortable step after the other. I wiped at my tears with the back of my hand, the hole where my heart used to be an echo of emptiness. “That’s the thing, Ink. You can’t lose something you never had.”