“Why? Because your brother told you to?
“Nope. Me being here has nothing to do with him.”
I closed my eyes. “Wish I could say the same.”
“Alyx—”
“Please leave.”
“Listen. You need to eat and drink something. You’re weak.”
“I don’t want anything.” I clutched the white blanket tighter then pulled it over my head. “Please leave, Onyx.”
“Don’t do this to yourself, Alyx. It’s not worth it.”
Tears burned the back of my eyes, the reason I preferred to be catatonic, to not feel anything. Feeling nothing was better than feeling something that had the power to crack your soul wide open.
“Leave, Onyx.” I closed my eyes, willing the tears and pain away. Then I heard the door close as Onyx left. But then it opened again, and footsteps followed. I peeked from underneath the sheet.
Onyx placed a bottle of water on the bedside table then sat on the floor with his back against the wall. “I’ll sit my ass right here until you decide to drink that water and eat those crackers. If you’re hellbent on being malnourished and dehydrated, I’ll join you.”
I bit my lip. The last thing I needed was a man trying to be a hero by wanting to help me. “I know what you’re doing, Onyx. It won’t work.”
“What am I doing?”
I turned halfway and glanced at him over my shoulder. “You’re trying to make me feel guilty by torturing yourself. It won’t work.” I lay back down. “Not when I no longer feel anything.”
“That’s a lie.”
I closed my eyes, trying to shut him out.
“You still feel. As long as you have a heart, you still feel.”
This time I let out a soft laugh. “I’m good, then, since your brother tore my heart out of my chest and let it bleed out with her while she hung from that goddamn ceiling with a—” I choked on a painful sob as my words painted the picture I had managed to forget…until now.
“Stop, Alyx. Okay? Don’t do this to yourself. There’s nothing you could have done.”
“But there was something your brother could have done. He could have saved her, but he chose not to.” The words left a bitter taste in my mouth.
“It’s not that simple.”
Through the tears of guilt, I laughed. “Oh, my God. It seems that’s the only thing anyone can say around here. ‘It’s not that simple.’”
“Well, it isn’t. For you, everything is black and white. Right or wrong. But you need to open your eyes. Nothing in this entire goddamn world is black and white, and we’re the lucky sons of bitches living in that thick, fucked-up gray area.”
“She lived in this gray area too.” Tears slipped down my cheek, the saltiness exploding on my tongue, and I wondered if this was what guilt tasted like. “Neon was a part of this world with you, yet you chose to let her die.”
“Why the hell do you care so much? You hardly knew her.”
My heart beat a little faster, a sliver of anger starting to thaw the ice in my veins. I sat up and turned toward him. “Is that how it is for you? That you can only mourn someone, feel guilt over hurting someone if you’ve known them for a certain amount of time?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t get why you’re beating yourself up over this. Even if it was as simple as you claim it to be, Granite…weare responsible for what happened to Neon. Not you.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” I pulled my hair out of my face by weaving my fingers through it. “If it wasn’t for me being my father’s daughter, none of this would have happened. If it wasn’t for me, your brother wouldn’t have needed to choose between me and Neon. If it wasn’t for me, your brother wouldn’t have torn my clothes while he fucked me.” Onyx flinched, but I kept going. “If it wasn’t for me, Neon never would have left to go buy me some new clothes. If. It. Wasn’t. For me. Neon would still be alive.” I cocked my head to the side. “So, tell me, Onyx, what or who is the common denominator in this fucking equation?”
Pulling his palm down his face, he sighed. “You.”
“Exactly. So even though your brother refused to save Neon’s life, I’m the goddamn reason this happened to her. And I might not have known her for that long, and I might have met her under these cruel circumstances, but she was nice to me. And she was a fucking human being with a heartbeat. Now, please leave, because my guilt is all the company I can stand right now.”