I always cling to him, the tears falling, my entire body wracked with shivers. The fear I feel every time I wake up from this dream is…
Devastating.
Since it happened, Perry is overprotective to the point of being almost smothering, but I don’t mind. I want him by my side. Watching over me. Checking in on me. He’s currently working from home, something his brother reluctantly allowed him to do. Jasper hovers all the time as well, always trying to get me to eat but I’m never hungry.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Perry says I’m traumatized from being abducted and that it’s expected. While I know he’s right, I also think it’s more than that. Physically, I don’t feel well. I’m tired. Emotionally drained. I want to sleep all the time, and the thought of eating makes me want to vomit. And when I do run to the bathroom to throw up, nothing really comes out because I’m not eating.
It’s a horrible cycle.
I woke up this morning to an empty bed. Perry has converted his bedroom—we share mine now—into his temporary office and I can hear him talking on the phone from across the hall, even though my door is shut. I lie there and listen to him, appreciating the sound of his deep, sexy voice, how he’s putting on the charm for someone they’re trying to make a deal with. I don’t even fully understand what they do at Halcyon, but Winston calls Perry,the cleaner. Meaning he cleans up all the messes by making promises in that smooth voice of his, convincing them to agree that it wasn’t so bad and no, they’re definitely not backing out of the deal.
His skills are impressive. I should know. He convinces me to do all sorts of things on a nightly basis, trying to wear me out with lots of sex before I fall into blissful, dreamless sleep.
At first.
The nightmares don’t stop though, no matter how hard I try to make them disappear.
I’m lying there, about to reach over to the nightstand so I can grab my phone, when a wave of nausea hits me so strongly, I stumble out of bed, almost falling to the floor. I make it to the connecting bathroom just in time, throwing up nothing but bile.
Once I’m finished, I collapse onto the cool marble floor, pressing my heated face against it and closing my eyes. I think the trauma over everything has made me sick. I’m so tired of feeling like this. Sick all the time. Sick over Seamus and what he did to me. Sick that my father has basically cut me completely out of his life—and convinced my mother to do the same. While I have Perry and Jasper and my brothers, who have really come through since the incident, I don’t have the support of my parents at all. Ever since Perry talked to my father that one day, we haven’t heard from them since.
I never really did have their support, so I don’t know why I’m so heartbroken over it. Maybe because it all feels so final? It’s ridiculous to think like this. I have money thanks to my trust fund. I have security thanks to my marriage with Perry, and it’s not like I’m not in contact with family members. All three of my brothers love and support me. They’ve really come through since everything that happened, though Crew was always there for me.
“Charlotte? Where are you?”
My eyes flash open when I hear Perry call my name and I scramble up off the floor, smoothing my hair away from my face before I flush the toilet. “Give me a minute,” I call, thankful that I closed the bathroom door behind me when I ran in here earlier. At least my husband didn’t find me sprawled across the floor like I’d passed out.
I’ve been keeping the nausea a secret from Perry, and I don’t know why. Maybe because he’d force me to see a doctor, and I’m not ready to talk about what’s going on with me to a stranger yet. The last time I went to a doctor, it was to my pediatrician. It’s been a while since I’ve sought medical help.
I hurriedly wash my hands and gargle mouthwash before I exit the bathroom, smiling at my husband, who immediately frowns.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” My smile is so wide, the corners of my mouth tremble. I let it relax. “Why?”
“You look like you’ve been crying.” He waves a hand at my face and I realize my eyes must be blood shot thanks to vomiting earlier. I always cry a little when I throw up. It’s awful.
“I haven’t been,” I reassure him.
His intense gaze sweeps over me, and the disbelief is there, written all over his face. He takes a step closer, reaching for my hand, enclosing it in his own. “Your fingers are like ice.”
“I just washed my hands.”
“Did you fall back asleep?” His voice lowers and he pulls me even closer. “Did you have another bad dream?”
“No.” I shake my head, letting him pull me into his arms. It’s the place where I feel the safest and if I had my choice, I would spend every single day in Perry’s arms, whiling the hours away.
But that’s not actually living a normal life. He has things to do. A job to go to every day. And I need something too. I want to go back to school. I’ve been entertaining the idea for a while, even before we were married, but now after everything that happened, I’m terrified to go onto campus alone.
Without protection. Without Perry by my side.
I’m being ridiculous.
“You’re shaking, baby.” He tucks me into his chest and I lie there, breathing in his scent, absorbing his warmth. He’s firm and strong and he’s all mine and I’ve become this burden of a woman.
No. Not a woman. I feel like a scared little girl, and I hate it. It doesn’t matter that I took charge of my own fate and threw burning hot soup in Seamus’s face before I made my escape. Perry always tells me I’m such a badass for doing that, and I want to believe him.
I do.