Letting out a tired sigh, I watched the group finish up as I contemplated what to do next, if anything at all. I had a feeling Abby would cause problems tonight, but I just wasn’t sure to what extent. It wouldn’t be the first time she had actively hit on my guys, but like with any of the other women who had tried, they seemed completely uninterested. I wasn’t exactly worried about their reaction, but I knew it would still bother me, even if I didn’t tell my boys so.
It also made me wonder if they knew how I felt and weren’t just trying to be nice. I nearly chuckled at that. Somehow I didn’t think that was the case when it came to Abby.
Feeling a tad better and not nearly as focused on Abby, I enjoyed the cart ride back to the clubhouse, Lincoln’s fingers intertwined with mine as I leaned against him. He was playing this game on his phone that I’d given up on about two hundred levels in. You know, after I did the same level ten million times and still was unable to beat it, even with boosters. Unfortunately for my pride, Lincoln had not only beat it but was now one hundred something levels above that… so, cool. Really freakin’ cool.
As we pulled to a stop, I stood and stretched, brushing off my skirt and walking up the stairs towards the dining room that would be set for lunch. My eyes flashed to the corner hallway that Ian had attacked me in… I didn’t want to think about his hands on me. Hisanythingon me.
Behind me, my boys were talking easily and laughing, but I could tell Kingston was hovering behind me. Whether that was because of yesterday or because of Abby was undetermined. Dermot had, no doubt, filled him in on what had occurred, and I was sort of waiting for King to mention it but hoping he would wait until at least after lunch.
I really didn’t want to lose the tiny appetite I did have right now.
Heck, maybe he wouldn’t mention it at all. Maybe the Abby thing didn’t matter to him at all. Maybe the concept of me ‘dating’ Dermot wouldn’t bother him either, or the others, if they even knew. Maybe they weren’t even thinking about me… Honestly, it was a likely conclusion, considering the amount of time that had passed without anyone ever bringing up the concept.
I mean, was I crazy? Was the sexual tension I was sensing imaginary? I mean, maybe, because no one ever acted on it. They were probably afraid… afraid it would ruin our friendship. Which it no doubt would, because a one-night stand would never be enough. Especially because if they kissed me, I was almost positive that they would be able to tell just how in love with each of them I really was. I wasn’t exactly great at hiding my emotions.
Shivering slightly, I crossed my arms as we neared our table in the dining room. The elegant old-world charm easily mixed with modern details that created a comfortable atmosphere that was far more cozy than the ballroom we were in last night. We sat at our usual large table, and I offered Sterling a smile as he pulled my chair out for me. Immediately, my eyes scanned the rest of the dining room cautiously.
Good. The Brooks twins weren’t here yet.
God.Thinking about them literally had me losing my appetite by the second. I took a small sip of ice-cold water that was placed down in front of me along with a garden salad.
For large events, the kitchen staff pre-planned the menu, so I had an idea of what we would be eating. I looked down at my salad as I shook myself, knowing I needed to eat here in order to not make anything worse than it already was. I had caused issues last night, even unintentionally, and I didn’t want to mess up today at all. No one needed that stress. Selfishly, I wanted to avoid any worried looks, because the guilt that slammed into me was like a heavy slab of concrete burying me alive… every. Single. Time.
I knew this came from the insecurity of being a bother. Being afraid that people would get annoyed with me. Any confidence that I originally possessed had evaporated over this past year, and in some ways, in moments like this, I felt closer to the small abandoned kid that had been brought in by the only people that had decided they wanted her.
I didn’t like to say I had an eating disorder, because I didn’t… I just didn’t eat. When I did eat, I ended up throwing it up. Yeah, I knew I had a big problem that was growing and festering here, but it was both sickening and impressive what you could convince yourself of. What you could alter your reality to so that you were no longer the one with a problem.
I’d convinced my brain that certain food was gross, staring at it long enough until it indeed became so, or I would chop it up small enough that I would be able to say I was full based on the amount of bites I’d taken. I’d convinced myself that I didn’t want to be skinny like those girls with an eating ‘problem,’ that I just wanted control over something since everything else was darkening on the edges, making me feel crazy.
Most people, not including my guys, let me lie to them. I mean, wasn’t that the truth of it? I knew people meant well, but eating issues were extremely common in our society. They were also dark enough that if you had some semblance of an excuse and weren’t laying out in a hospital bed, most people would let you get away with it.
I had a smile on my face, so how could something actually be wrong? I was just watching my figure. All girls my age did it. My parents, who I knew loved me, had asked all the correct questions, and yet I’d been able to brush their concerns off long enough that they probably no longer thought about it.
It was almost trippy, being both the one experiencing all of this and understanding what was occurring. It was like a car accident I couldn’t look away from. I wasn’t in denial, even—I knew why I was doing what I was doing. It just didn’t matter. My thought process was so messed up, yet no matter how hard the rational side of me appealed for me to stop, a compulsion pulled me right back into the habit.
You couldn’t just stop seeing food like you did when you had an eating disorder. Everything became about what you had eaten and how much it was going to affect your body, as if you were intentionally ingesting a poison of some kind. I think it would always be like that. My day was good or bad based on how I felt about my body. It could make or break anything, and that was beyond messed up.
Maybe Ididneed to see someone about all of this.
Then again, the therapist I’d been to a few years back about the stress of school hadn’t seemed to give a flying flip about what was actually going on. She just continued to send in prescriptions for anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, and sleeping medicine… all of which were left unfilled. I’d never been into medicine, and while I did take birth control, I tried to avoid pretty much everything else. I wasn’t going to start on medicine now.
For the record, I knew amazing therapists existed. Ones that worked their asses off to help their patients. I also knew that medicine could be fundamental to changing someone’s life. It just seemed that in our town, the local therapist was only concerned with whether I wanted a new prescription or not. I had stopped seeing her pretty shortly after realizing that.
Tuning back into my current surroundings, I slowly started to eat my salad as the others talked around me. My throat was dry as I swallowed a bite of lettuce, feeling eyes on me that no doubt belonged to my guys as I listened to a story Mr. Carter was telling. I had finished my entire salad before it was taken away from me. Immediately, I relaxed, feeling a small sense of pride.
See? I could do this. I didn’t even feel that full, and salads were healthy. I could keep that down for sure. My phone buzzed in my skort pocket.
I inhaled sharply as I looked around the room, noticing that the space was filled with tournament participants, the Brooks family seated three tables from our own. Abby’s gaze met mine, seemingly by chance, and instead of offering a smile, a flash of malice went across her expression before she diverted her attention back to something her father said.
I wasn’t going to look.
It didn’t matter what she thought.
I was weak if I looked.
I was just going to go further and further down this hole if I didn’t stop…
I unlocked my phone and felt my stomach drop. Immediately, I deleted the picture and put it back away, the room spinning around me. Did I really look like that? She had to have enhanced that, right? I mean, my arms weren’t that big. I looked down at them and shook myself, trying to not break down.