Chapter 17
He was a coward.
At the last moment, as Tamsin’s fingers brushed the iron, he closed his eyes. He couldn’t help it. These were the last few moments before he lost all hope, forever. Even a single second was precious.
He heard the soft click of Tamsin fastening the collar around her neck.
There was a pause, then she said, warily, “You don’t look any different to me. Are you sure this thing works?”
Cuan drew in a deep breath, held it for one last moment, and exhaled again. And then he was truly out of time. He owed Tamsin the truth. To delay any longer would be yet another betrayal of her trust.
He opened his eyes.
Tamsin’s hands flew to her mouth. Her own eyes went wide and shocked. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, but he forced himself to meet them steadily. Letting her see all of him, at last, without concealment.
“Oh,” Tamsin whispered. “Cuan. Your eyes.”
It had been decades since he had shown his true form even to himself. But he knew all too well what she was seeing now.
He had the eyes of a wolf. Gold and feral, with pupils that shone in the dark, reflecting back light. Animal eyes in a high sidhe face.
Beast eyes.
Tamsin stood up. He’d been braced for her to recoil in horror, but to his shock she stepped closer. The iron collar winked in the firelight as she tilted her head back, studying him.
“They look exactly the same as they do when you’re a horse or a wolf.” She frowned a little, gaze flicking over his face as though expecting him to have sprouted fur and fangs as well. “That’s all you’ve been hiding? Just your real eyes?”
Just?
“Eyes reveal the soul.” He turned his head, unable to endure her scrutiny any longer. “I may walk and talk like a man, but strive as I might, I will never truly be one. I learned as a child to conceal my true nature, so as not to revolt civilized people.”
“If you mean the high sidhe, I wouldn’t call them civilized,” Tamsin muttered. “Can’t other fae see through your glamour?”
He shook his head. “A personal glamour is like a garment. Any high sidhe can see that one is wearing it, but not what lies beneath. It is possible to remove another’s glamour by force, but it would be like tearing off their clothes against their will. A grievous liberty at best, and a killing offense at worst. And almost all high sidhe enhance their appearance one way or another. Most people assume I am simply altering my eye color to something more fashionable.”
“Have you ever shown anyone else?”
“No.” High sidhe honesty compelled him to add, “Not by choice, at least. But there is one who knows my shame.”
Tamsin’s breath hissed between her teeth. “Maeve.”
“Yes. She ripped my glamour from my skin, once, when I first presented myself to her and begged to join her court.” He gave her a thin, tight smile, without looking at her. “Why did you think she calls me beast?”
“I’d say because she’s a bitch, but that would be an insult to female dogs.” Tamsin sounded honestly outraged on his behalf. “That…that…elf.How dare she do that without your consent?”
“She had a right to know the truth of my nature. It was dishonest of me to even attempt to conceal it from her.” He made himself meet her eyes again. “And from you.”
Her expression softened. “Cuan, you don’t have to apologize for that. I understand why you didn’t want me to see you like this.”
Of course she did, now that she knew his hideous true form. The pity in her face lanced him to the heart. He turned away, putting his back to her.
“I still should have shown you,” he said roughly. “You deserved to know what I truly am before I even proposed the possibility of us mating. But I hid the ugly truth from you out of cowardice, and shameful self-interest. I knew that if you saw my real nature, you would never agree to the mate bond.”
He felt the light touch of her hand against his arm. Though he outweighed her twice over, he was powerless to resist as she turned him around to face her again. In the dying firelight, her face was a mystery, all shadows and soft curves.
He dropped his gaze, focusing on the soft pulse at the hollow of her throat. That way he could imagine that she was looking on him with kindness, or at least not disgust.
Cowardice again, he thought savagely…but still could not lift his eyes.