No, not okay, a voice screamed in my head. But what could I say? Nothing she said was wrong. I had no defense for myself, so I just swallowed and whispered, "Okay."
"I'm sorry, Cassius," she said.
"Me, too," I replied. Then she hung up. I went back inside and did my best to finish the lunch meeting. The clients wanted to see more of our operation, and I guess I hid my emotions pretty well. I went home and tried to finish up some other things that I'd been putting off, but I got nothing done. I finally gave up and called Scott.
"Scott," I managed to croak out, "you got any beer?" Maybe he heard how my voice was about to crack. Or maybe he'd just been waiting for this moment. All he said was, "Give me half an hour, and I'll be there with an incredible amount of alcohol."
While I waited for him, I cracked open a bottle of expensive scotch I'd been saving and got a head start. True to his word, he showed up in about 30 minutes, bringing pizza, beer, and more scotch. We ate and drank more or less in silence, until finally Scott could bear it no longer.
"Okay," he said, clinking down his glass. "You have to tell me what this is about. The woman? The girl?" I hadn't really told him everything that had been going on. He knew I'd been in contact with Deira, that she'd started a job at our company, and that I'd met Makayla. I hadn't told him about the two times Deira and I had sex. It seemed like maybe Deira wouldn't have wanted anyone to know. And back then, I'd been worried about messing up the relationship, so I didn't want to risk Scott meeting her and accidentally letting something slip. I'd also told no one about the incident at the park. I was too ashamed.
But now, it all came spilling out. I rambled on and on, adding what were probably unnecessary details. I was drunk by this point, and Scott was well on his way, so I'm not sure how coherent I managed to be, or how much he managed to understand. He just sat and listened, nodding his head. When I got to the part about Deira's last phone call, I choked up, and couldn't go on.
After a minute, I felt his hand on my knee.
"I'm sorry, Cassius," he said. We normally had a pretty joking relationship, and this was the most serious I'd ever seen him. "I'm really, really sorry."
"It's all my fault," I said, my palms pressed into my eyes as I tried not to cry.
"Maybe," he said. "But you didn't mean for any of it to happen. I think you're trying pretty hard, and I think you're doing pretty well, considering you've only been a father for about two months."
"I've been a father for five years," I said, and the bitterness in my tone surprised me. "But I only knew about it for the last two months."
"You know what I mean," he said, his voice still gentle despite my surly tone. "This is a big change, and you took on a lot very quickly. I think maybe that's why she asked you for some time. You both need—all three of you, I mean, including your daughter—you all need a chance to breathe and accept that life now is fundamentally different."
I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair. The room was spinning, and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or just some kind of emotional breakdown.
Scott's voice floated over to me. "I'm here for you, okay? Whatever you need," he said.
I sat back up, took a deep breath, and waited for the room to right itself.
"I need to get drunk," I said. "I need to get so drunk that I forget who I am, or what happened the past few months. I need to, just for a little while, go back to blissful ignorance. Can we do that?"
I looked at Scott, and to his credit, he did not look like he was judging me at all. We both knew that it was at best a temporary solution, and in actuality, just me hiding from my problems. But he just slapped his hands on his knees and nodded.
"We gotta open this other bottle, then," he said. He opened it, and refilled both my glass and his. He raised his glass and gave a toast. "To blissful ignorance."
I clinked my glass against his enthusiastically, and then downed the contents in one gulp.
TWENTY-ONE
DEIRA
I had steeled myself for a fight when I called Cassius, so I was surprised when he agreed not to contact us. I almost felt bad, but then I remembered the way it had felt when Makayla was missing. I went over all the reasons that had led me to this decision. It had been nothing but chaos since he'd come into our lives, and I needed some time to let things calm down, and to figure out exactly how we could move forward.
It had obviously been a mistake, jumping into some version of a happy little family where he could watch Makayla while I worked overtime. I blamed myself for that as much as I blamed him, because there was no way he could have known how unprepared he was to be a father. But I should have known. I had decided I couldn't let him back into Makayla's life this time until I was sure that he understood all the responsibilities that came with that. The trouble was, I didn't know how to be sure about that. There was no test for parenthood. Would I know in my gut when he was ready? Should I make a list of things he needed to prove? I truly had no clue.
Staying away from him for now was the best idea I had. Especially since it would help keep my own complicated feelings for him from clouding the issue.
Little did I know that staying away from him wasn't going to be so easy. I'd been totally focused on Cassius and never suspected that someone else from his life would make an appearance in ours. But that was exactly what happened.
Leaving work on the same day I'd called Cassius, I had just gotten to my car when I heard a woman's voice behind me.
"Excuse me," she said, and I turned to see a woman walking over to me. She was absolutely gorgeous, like a model, but she was dressed like a businesswoman. She had an air of authority about her, like she was used to people doing what she said. I immediately felt intimidated.
"Yes?" I asked. She smiled, a beautiful smile that somehow made me feel a little chilled.
"You're Deira, right? Cassius's new girlfriend?"