CHAPTER 22
Nathanael stood in his mother’s attic and listened to the squeals of laughter emanating from the garden, where his delighted mother was walking around with her grandson in her arms, pointing out flowers and trying to teach him their names.
Out of the tiny window, he could see them, with Samia trailing close behind. The joy on his mother’s face was beyond compare. He felt another twinge of guilt, thinking that he’d denied her the pleasure of meeting her grandson earlier, all because of his own fears and reservations.
He was also happy to see his mom smiling again, because as soon as they had arrived she had burst into tears again, apologizing to him over and over. He’d done everything he could to reassure her that he’d never blamed her, and that he’d only stayed away out of shame and misplaced guilt.
Shaundra was on her knees, poking through a cardboard box, picking up items and admiring them. It had shocked him that Coralie had kept all his childhood stuff, even when she’d moved away from the little old house he’d lived in with her. It was a trip down memory lane, seeing his old books and games.
He was glad that Shaundra was there to share the walk with him.
But not for long. He thought back to last night’s conversation, when she’d let him know in no uncertain terms that their marriage was finished. And who could blame her? He’d been a shitty husband. At least she wasn’t rejecting him for the reason he’d most feared, for his secret shame.
She picked up a tin box and prized off the top, squealing at what she saw inside. “Wait! Pokémon cards? I never knew you were such a nerd.”
He couldn’t help but smile. “Those are first generation. If they weren’t in such a crappy condition, they’d probably be worth a bundle on eBay.”
Shaundra slapped the lid back on and replaced them, delving deeper into the box. Yanking on a frisbee that seemed to be entangled in an electric cord, probably one of his old video games. “Looks like green was your favorite color even back then,” she commented.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. It was time. “Shaundra,” he said softly.
She looked up, smiling, and then something on his face must have triggered a warning, because she put down the frisbee and stood to face him. “What is it?”
“I have two things to say,” he announced soberly. “And I want you to listen, okay?”
She nodded mutely.
“The first is, I know that I hurt you. What I did was cruel and caused you unimaginable pain. And I will never forgive myself for that. You didn’t deserve that. From the depths of my heart. I am sorry.”
She nodded, not trusting herself to answer.
“The second thing is, I will keep the promise I made to you before we left France. I am going to grant you the divorce—”
She gasped.
“Without a fight. You will receive a handsome settlement, anything you desire in terms of support and accommodation. I only ask one thing. That you remain in France, in Aix, so that I can continue to be a part of my son’s life. I want to be the best man and father I can be for him. You can have the mansion, I’ll find something nearby.”
He waited for her to say something, and when she didn’t he filled in the gap of dead air. “I want you to be happy. I can’t bear to see you so unhappy. I love you too much to be around you, knowing that I am the cause of so much misery—”
She inhaled, her eyes growing wider. “You love me?”
“Yes, of course—”
“You’ve never said that to me.”
He felt his face heat up in embarrassment. “I know. Add that to my list of shortcomings. I should have told you sooner, but I thought my actions proved it. But I promise you, I always have. I fell in love with you the fifth time I asked you out… and you said no. Again!” He smiled a little at the memory. “I’d never met a woman so stubborn, and who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind—”
“Nathanael,” she said slowly. “You have never said that to me before. Not when you proposed, not even on our wedding day. How am I supposed to believe you now?”
He watched as her eyes began to fill with tears, and he wanted to kick himself for being the one who had put them there. “I couldn’t. I was afraid. I didn’t think that I deserved you. I still don’t. I didn’t want any love between us to turn ugly if you ever learned the truth about me. I thought the pleasure we gave each other was enough to sustain our relationship and protect us from hurt.”
“That makes absolutely no sense—”
“I know, but I didn’t want to lose you. You are the most irresistible woman I have ever known. You are fascinating. Every minute with you is a revelation.”
She shook her head, as if trying to shake the thoughts out of her skull. “And yet you loved me all this time and said nothing.”
“Yes,” he said simply.