CHAPTER 15
As Shaundra listened carefully to the specialist’s words, she felt a kind of gratitude she had never imagined. Benjamin was out of danger, they said. His fever was long gone and the signs of infection in his bloodstream were trending towards nil. He’d still need to keep up with the antibiotics, and there were still tests to run to make sure they monitored his progress, but the news was good. Very good.
All the dark and dire possibilities, the nightmare scenarios that haunted her sleeping and waking moments like demons, were now relegated to the darkest corners of the room.
His brain and motor activity were excellent. There was little chance of severe, lasting neurological impairments.
Nathanael had been right, she thought. Benjamin would develop normally and hit all his milestones like a champ. Crawl in time, walk on time, talk on time.
She stood a few feet away from the crib and looked on as Nathanael changed Benjamin’s diaper. He wasn’t as practiced or as swift as she was, and maybe the sticky tapes weren’t on as securely as she would have stuck them, but the fact that he was doing it at all was enough to blow her mind.
This was a man who had, by his own admission, never changed a diaper in his entire life. He was trying, knew he’d sneaked a look at a couple of YouTube videos on basics like burping, diapering, and bathing a baby.
But as far as she was concerned, it was all too little, too late.
Just a few days before, she had put aside her pride and begged him to pleasure her in that odd little hotel, but that was purely to satisfy a psychological and physiological need. It had been no different from using a sex toy, and when it was over, some of the stress and anxiety had leached out of her body and she felt a bit better. That was all.
If the mighty Nathanael Michiels thought that anything that had happened in that funky blue and purple room changed anything between them, he had a truckload of other things coming.
There was a sound in the hallway, and through a crack in the doorway, which the doctor had carelessly left ajar, two passing nurses peeped in, spotted Nathanael concentrating on his duties, and simultaneously cooed, “Awwww! What a good papa!”
Shaundra rolled her eyes. What is it with these women, simpering whenever a man didonegood thing for a baby? She’d changed his diaper a thousand times, two thousand, and nobody batted an eye. Where washer“Awwww”?
Nathanael hoisted Benjamin onto his shoulder and gave him a comforting pat on the now freshly diapered bottom, giving Shaundra a smile.
She didn’t return it. Instead, she turned away, choking back the urge to vomit. There he was, the fake papa, pretending to care just because they were in a hospital and other people were looking on.
She shoved the door closed with her hip in a single, angry gesture.
He brought the baby down, holding him before him as if he was a work of art, eyes riveted on the little face. An expression of awe came over him. “He’s smiling. Look!”
“I know what his smiles look like,” she snapped. “He’s been smiling since he was three weeks old. If the fact that our babysmilescomes as a surprise to you, then oh the fuck well!”
Lord, she knew she was being a bitch, but who could blame her? Those months of frustration were bubbling over, spilling out. She was so full of hurt that all she wanted to do was hurt him back.
He didn’t react to her vitriol. Instead, he came closer to her, holding Benji securely over his shoulder, and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
She dodged it irritably. “You can drop the act now. It’s only us three here in the room.”
He looked stunned, pained, puzzled. “What?”
“All those giggly little nurses are gone. The doctors have moved on to another ward. There’s nobody around to be impressed by your theatrics.” She held out her hands. “Hand my son over to me now. Go back to doing whatever the hell it is you’d rather be doing.”
Nathanael held Benjamin even closer to his chest, his arm encircling the little back protectively. “This is not an act, Shaundra. I’m trying—”
Her laugh was rough and hollow. “You expect me to believe that? What? Did the Nathanael who walked out on us get replaced by a pod person? Have you been brainwashed? Because I refuse to believe that any of this is genuine.”
He was standing way too close to her. She wished he would step away. Instead of doing so, he spoke quietly. “Shaundra, I am so sorry. I know I hurt you. I was wrong to walk away. Wrong to leave you to go through all this alone. But almost losing Benjamin made me think—”
“Good to know you can say his name now,” she snorted. “Do your teeth hurt?”
He jerked back a bit as if he had been shot, and then recovered, going on as if she hadn’t spoken. “Almost losingmy sonhas made me think. I know I have a lot to make up for, and a lot of time to catch up on, but I’m ready and willing. I want to be his father.”
“Great.Do you have even the faintest idea of what being a father entails?” She hadn’t lowered her hands, was still holding them before her, demanding to have her baby returned to her breast. Reluctantly, Nathanael handed Benji over. Roused from his doze, the baby stiffened and began to fuss.
Shaundra accepted him into her arms, instinctively beginning to rock and sway, as her body knew exactly what to do. But Benji began mewling, much to her irritation. Hers were the arms the baby knew best. Why was he fussing now, embarrassing her? He didn’t really prefer being held by Nathanael, did he?
Nathanael had an answer to her question. “Non, mon cœur. I have no idea what being a father entails. Mine died when I was a kid. And the other man in my life…” He trailed off, cringing in a way that almost made Shaundra’s resolve soften.
He continued as if he’d never even raised the specter of his own childhood. “I have no goddamn idea of what I’m doing, but like any new parent, I will learn. I’ll read, ask questions, askyoufor guidance. Whatever it takes. But I know that I am ready to be the father our baby wants and needs.”
His words landed like blows, and again, the rebut rang out in her head.Too little, too late.He’d hurt her too badly, and there was no coming back from that. She swallowed hard and chose her words carefully. “Since the day I discovered I was pregnant with a son—the day you reacted like the end of the world was upon us—all I have prayed for was for you to be a good dad. To want you to be a good dad. And if this is what is happening, if it took a near death experience for our son for you to realize your duty, awesome. You want to be a dad? Be one. Form a bond with your son, and I hope it will be a lifelong one.”
She nailed him with a cold stare, making sure he could look into her eyes and know she was serious, that she meant every single word that came next. “But just know one thing, I will not be a part of that package.”
With her baby in her arms, she spun around to face the window, looking out onto the tiny apron of a side garden, and pretended like this situation wasn’t tearing her up internally and ignored his presence.