Shaundra waited until they were alone again. “You better start explaining yourself!”
He gave her a look of elaborate innocence. “Explain what? Can’t a man treat his wife to a lovely dinner? Find out how she’s doing.”
“Like you care.”
“I do—”
“And Benji? Do you care about how he’s doing, too?”
He winced as he felt the tip of the blade enter his heart. How to answer that? He chose his words carefully. “Of course I care about the well-being of the child—”
She exploded. “‘The child,’ as you call him, is your son, Nathanael! Our son! We made him together, you and me, remember?” Then she suddenly stopped talking, and her eyes narrowed. “That’s it, isn’t it? There’s no other reason for you to act like he is a leper. Except… unless you think he isn’t yours?”
“What the hell are you talking about! Of course, the boy is,” he took a deep breath, “my son.” Though he’d had a vasectomy in his twenties, when Shaundra had announced her pregnancy, he suspected immediately that the procedure had naturally reversed. He never questioned the child’s paternity. He knew his destiny had finally caught up with him.
“Well, if that isn’t the problem, then what is?”
“I never intended… never wanted a child.” He sounded like an asshole.
“I didn’t either. What if I decide to follow your example and ditch our son? What then?”
That brought him up short. Did she plan to abandon the child? She couldn’t. No, he wouldn’t allow it. It made him a hypocrite, but he didn’t give a damn. The child deserved its mother. It deserved Shaundra.
“Are you thinking to–”
“Don’t even say it! I’m not like you. I won’t desert my baby. I only said that so you could see how ridiculous you’re being. I’ve given up things I loved for him. Why can’t you do the same? Women get pregnant, even when they’re not meaning to. I did, and he’s here.” Her voice cracked a little, and the sound echoed in his chest. “He’s here, he’s ours, and I love him with all my heart. So why can’t you?”
He knew of the sacrifices she’d made. After only one month of dating, they’d gotten married, and he’d insisted that she quit her job as a dental hygienist since he couldn’t bear the thought of being away from her for even one night. He traveled a lot for work and wanted her with him wherever he went. As a show of good faith, he found out what her yearly salary was and multiplied it by the number of years she would be in her career until retirement and gifted the amount to her as a wedding present.
As their lives continued to progress, his wife began a blog that accounted for her life as a child-free married woman. It garnered a large following online where she eventually operated a paid membership group on Facebook where women could speak openly about their lifestyle choices without being judged for choosing to live life a different way. Six months ago, his accountant had informed him that Shaundra sold her sites and her group. She couldn’t keep preaching about a life she no longer lived authentically.
It gutted him that she lost something else because of him.
He discovered he was fiddling with his salad fork, twisting it in his hand. He dropped it like the metal was red hot.Show no weakness,he reminded himself. How to answer? Not knowing what to do or say, he turned the conversation around. “Speaking of your heart, it didn’t take you long to start dating again, did it,wife!”
She gasped. “How the hell is that any of your business? You left me. I begged you to stay!”
“And I guess my leaving left a hole you were just dying to fill—” The moment the words were out of his mouth, he cringed.
She shot to her feet. “Don’t be vulgar!”
He stood, too, mortified, reaching a hand out to placate her. “You know that’s not what I meant—”
“Well, what do you mean?” She gestured around them. “Renting an entire restaurant just to feed me some lamb? What’s this about? I don’t understand you. Blow hot, blow cold, blow hot. Why are we here? What’s the plan?”
“Plan?” he echoed stupidly.
“For us! For this shamble of a marriage that you wrecked! That you walked out of!” She pointed at his chest, punctuating her words, as the pitch of her voice rose and her face became flushed with agony. “What are we doing? You, me and Benji?”
For the first time since he was a kid, trapped in a childhood of horror and pain, he heard himself stutter. “I don’t know.”
She sat down and let her head fall into her hands.
A waiter came, smiling tentatively as he became aware of the tension at the table, and poured their wine. Nathanael knocked back the whole glassful and held it out for more. The poor guy filled it and then slinked away, leaving them alone again.
Nathanael sat there, looking across the table at this beautiful woman, the woman he’d been convinced he could build a life with. Rise from the ashes with.
Until he got her pregnant.
Now, that tiny fifteen-pound bundle of warm flesh and blue blankets was like a mountain, looming between them, cutting him off from her forever.
He knew he was wrong, knew in his bones, in his soul, that a man should be there for his wife and for the children he begets. But loving that child and forming a bond with that child would mean hurting him, and he refused to do that.
This wasn’t meant to be a part of his destiny. This wasn’t written down in his life’s script.
He could never be the father Benjamin needed him to be, or that Shaundra wanted him to be.
And he’d rather die than tell her why.