I sighed. I wanted to tell him that home was anywhere he was, but he was keen to get me a home. Something permanent. A real fresh start for us both.
The storm lasted over an hour. The electricity went out, so I went to the couch and curled up with my e-reader. Although the thunder and lightning had stopped, the downpour persisted. Dad was going to be a long time in the coffee shop, which was ironic really since he didn’t like hot drinks. Not liking coffee made me suspicious of anyone. Good thing I loved him.
I sighed and looked at the time on the new phone I’d gotten the day after getting to Scotland. That’s when the calls had started. Colton, Connor, Matt, Theo. I didn’t know what to say to them, so I’d been a coward and changed my number. I was a cheating coward though. I’d kepttheirnumbers. I couldn’t completely let go. Every now and then I would look up their names and almost dial. Then I would hear her in my head. Her whisper of “worthless little tramp”and the phone would be shoved back in my pocket. Dad had changed his number too, when they’d started calling him instead.
4.30. Over three hours he had been gone. He was going to have to start paying rent if he stayed there any longer.
The doorbell rang. Who would ring the bell? No one knew us here. That sense of foreboding was back – my feet didn’t move. My stomach dropped. I reluctantly made my way to the door as the bell rang again. As soon as I saw the officer, my heart stopped. I opened the door and greeted him. He spoke. I could see that his lips were moving but I didn’t hear a word he said. He spoke to me again. I shook my head. Why couldn’t I hear him? Why was the rain so loud?
The officer looked at me and sighed before physically moving me back. He was in the house. He had been getting pelted by the relentless rain and looked utterly miserable. I stood there in the entrance with no electricity and a dripping wet police officer looking at me with the aid of a flashlight. As I realised he was looking at me with a flashlight, I suddenly registered the words he had been saying.
Freak accident. Drunk driver. The car had skidded in the rain and smashed through the coffee shop window. The driver had survived. My dad was gone.
They sedated me. Apparently, whatever was already broken inside me had completely shattered at the news. They hadn’t been able to stop me screaming. I tried but I just couldn’t keep the pain inside. They gave me a nice sedative and a warm hospital bed and it was lights out for Arielle. My Gran and Papa flew in from Scotland.
I refused to go to my dad’s service. I couldn’t do it. I just stayed in my room in the rented house and festered in my grief. Gran kept trying to get me to call the guys. I almost did. I needed them so much. Needed their collective strength. Then I recalled the last time I had leaned on them. I didn’t call. I was so scared they wouldn’t come. I didn’t have it in me to open myself up to that possibility.
They cremated my dad. It was what he’d asked for in his will.
I got paid a small sum in compensation from the coffee shop. It was an independent shop and I doubted they could afford it. I even tried not to take it, but the owner said that he’d heard I lost my mother just over a month before, he wouldn’t hear of me having nothing. Dad had life insurance, too, so I got more money from that. The house sold in Big Sky which came as a surprise to us all. I was suddenly comfortable financially.
I needed to leave here – I couldn’t stay at the place where I’d lost my dad. I didn’t want to go back to my grandparents’ either, the place with my mother’s memories. I decided to look at colleges. Gran and I went through school choices together. Based on my school records alone, two colleges said they would give me late acceptance if I finished high school with a high enough GPA. One was across the country in California, where Colton was and Connor would be heading. The other was a two-and-a-half-hour flight from where I was now. My academic performance had slipped over the last few months, which I thought was understandable. Thankfully so did the two colleges.
Boulder, Colorado called to me.
I threw myself into schoolwork, I lost weight, I couldn’t sleep. I worked hard and it paid off. I got accepted into CU to do a Bachelor of Arts in English, which would let me take a Creative Writing track. They also had a Masters in Creative Writing.
I told my grandparents I wanted to buy a place off campus, that I didn’t want the normal college life – parties, friends. I didn’t need it. Everything I ever had, I had lost. They reluctantly agreed and we all went to Boulder to look for places for me to live. Papa didn’t like that Iboughtthe apartment, but I argued about the investment opportunity for when I graduated; I could rent it out to students. Gran actually said it made sense – the University of Colorado had a huge student population; someone would always be looking to rent.
I packed up and moved again. I told my grandparents that I didn’t need them to help me move. They needed to grieve too. They’d spent enough time away from their own home. I was going to be completely alone and I was ok with that. As I headed to my new life, they flew back to Scotland. What had happened over the last few months hadn’tjusthappened to me.
Before I left Dearborn Heights, I slid a cheque through the mail slot in the coffee shop’s door with a letter explaining I couldn’t take their money. With that done, I set off on my three day drive with my belongings packed tight into my ‘new to me’ MINI Cooper and a resolve to have a new outlook on life.
I settled into the new apartment relatively quickly. Furnishing it with what I needed gave me a chance to learn my way around Boulder. My apartment was set outwith the main city area; but it was within walking distance if I was feeling extra energetic. I was in no way a health buff, but I kept active enough. Being a little out of the city was doable. I had a second-hand bike if I needed on days when my feet weren’t up to the 45-minute walk to campus.
Being off campus was important to me. It took me away from the dorms and the numerous distractions. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my studies.
It was only once I was sitting on my new couch – the last piece of furniture to arrive – that I realised I was really alone. My hand reached for my phone. I looked at the numbers, took a deep breath and called Matt. He was the safest – I didn’t know what to say to Colton, I was scared to talk to Connor and Theo would have told them I was on the phone within seconds. Matt was the best option.
He picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” His voice was questioning. I had withheld the number, so he wouldn’t be able to save it. Like the coward I was.
“Hi Matt, it’s Elle.” My throat was dry and hoarse sounding.
“Holy shit girl, where the hell are you? We’ve been trying to find you. You took off without even a goodbye.” He was peeved and speaking low; I figured one of the others must have been nearby. They had been looking for me; I felt warmth radiate in me, then a feeling of dread. Calling had been a bad idea.
“I’m ok. I just wanted to see if you were ok – if everyone was ok.” I rushed it out. If I said it fast, then I wouldn’t think about it.
Matt sighed. I knew his hand would be running through his hair. “I’m fine. They’re fine. Well they are now, it was rough for a while but they’re ok. Where are you?” He sounded intense. He was also louder. I realised he must have moved away from whoever he was with.
I looked out the window of my new apartment and around the room at my stuff; I was supposed to be starting new, fresh, leaving the past behind me.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called, I just wanted to hear it was all ok. Don’t tell them I called. Miss you Matty.” I hung up. I cried for about an hour. Then I deleted all the contacts. I wasn’t looking back anymore.
I opened the car door in the blistering late summer heat and started to get out. I was already regretting wearing jeans on a day like today. The sun had been at melting point when I got up this morning. Why I had opted for jeans and a camisole for a party by the lake was beyond me, but I hadn’t felt comfortable wearing a skirt or shorts. I shook my head ruefully as I closed the door behind me. My friend Robbie was already at the trunk getting our stuff together. I had met him on the first day on campus at the book store. We had run into each other – literally. He had come around the corner and ran smack into me, knocking me, my coffee and my newly acquired books to the ground.
He’d been so apologetic. Since we had some classes together, which Robbie noticed when collecting up the books, he had replaced my now coffee stained books with his own copies and kept the damaged ones. When he thought I wasn’t looking, I saw eyes run quickly up and down over my slim body. When I knewhewasn’t looking, I’d slipped my Gran’s engagement ring onto my finger.
I’d felt a tiny bit guilty, but I didn’t want the hassle of telling him I wasn’t interested in a relationship. It sounded conceited, but life was simpler if I deceived him.Appearingto be unavailable was just as good as being unavailable. I was coming to college to get my degree and nothing else.