Blake isn’t finished dispensing wisdom. “Why did you go see her in the first place? When you got Elizabeth’s package. Surely it wasn’t to win her back, was it?”
No. I wanted to take back what I lost when she left me—my warmth and vitality. And she gave me a glimpse of something even better in that one week. Now that she’s taken it back again, I feel colder and emptier than ever.
“You changed course, you let your guard down, and what happened?” Blake grows serious. “You should never let anyone who doesn’t love you in. And most importantly, you should never love anyone who doesn’t respect you enough to be honest about what she’s doing. She played you like a dancing monkey, the same way Betsy used to. Jump this high. Good, now higher. If you jump high enough, I’ll give you what you want! You’ll be rewarded!” He pauses. “Were you ever rewarded?”
My throat closes. Suddenly my mind is flooded with memories of how my mother used to make me promises—be good, stay clean, don’t touch her…then I’ll take you to Disneyland…I’ll take you to the movies…I’ll take you to see Santa…
Except she never kept her promises, no matter what I did. She always found something to object to. I walked too loudly. I was sweaty after playtime in the park. I was standing too close to her.
Blake continues, “Ava set you up, Lucas. She wasn’t going to give you a chance no matter what you did, but she made you jump through the hoops anyway.”
I shove my hand into my hair and clench until my scalp hurts. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate every syllable out of his mouth, but I can’t deny what he’s saying is true.
She did set me up.
Two weeks of gut-twisting anxiety. Sleepless nights filled with hope, then despair. A coolly delivered rejection. Always the same fucking message—no matter how hard I try, I’m not worthy. I stop as the image of how she looked the last time passes through my mind. As beautiful as an angel I can never hope to touch… Her platinum hair flowing behind her, and her eyes flashing a huge warning sign that screams, “Stay away.” I bared my soul to her. Told her I loved her…and she called me toxic.
The harder I try, the more contemptible I become.
My pathetic fantasy of her being so miserable she’ll welcome me back into her life is exactly that—a fantasy. She’ll never welcome me back. She’ll curl her lip, make it crystal clear I’m unworthy.
That I’m fundamentally, intrinsically too flawed to be redeemed.
Why did I ever harbor such a sad little hope? Haven’t I learned better? Shit like that happens in movies, not in real life. If I got hit by a truck, she wouldn’t look twice.
Suddenly I’m pissed off.
I did nothing to hurt her. The whole fucking marriage-for-paintings deal is Dad’s doing, and the leak is Wife Number Three’s fault. I never treated Ava unfairly, never lied to her.
Why should I feel bad? Why should I grovel?
I’m not some kid desperate for approval and love. That shit’s over. I cut ties with my mother for that reason, and I’m not waiting decades before I finally get it through my head that it’s over with Ava.
If she hated me, found me so lacking, she should’ve just said so, instead of playing me the way Mom used to when she wanted to see how far I’d go to earn her love.
“You’re right,” I say.
Blake nods. “She doesn’t deserve you.”
“I’m getting the fuck out of here.”
“Good call.”
“Someplace warm.”
“Why don’t you try L.A.?” Blake says. “You’ve been gone for too long. Everyone would love to have you around, and you can stay at my new place. I got a penthouse. Three levels.”
“When?”
“A few months ago. Got tired of Boston. Too close to Virginia.” Too close to our despicable father and his vapid new wife, he means. “I’m only in and out of there, and I wouldn’t mind sharing it. It has two giant suites anyway, although the master suite is mine.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Don’t worry. I’ll take the closet.” Knowing Blake’s taste, the place is going to be large and expensive.
“Perish the thought. Elizabeth would flay me. The change of scenery will be good for you.”
“I know. But before I can go, I need some closure.”
“Closure?” Blake raises an eyebrow. “Don’t kneel and beg for crumbs. She’s not worth it.”