“You mean because she isn’t an actress, or because she isn’t a size two?”
The interviewer has the decency to flush. “A little bit of both.”
“So I used to date a lot of actresses”—Ryder shrugs—“so what? I didn’t fall in love with any of them. Looking at it now, I think I was always meant to fall for Paige.
“Furthermore—and I want to get this out publicly, because no matter how many times my staff and I try to stop this stuff, people just don’t seem to want to listen—a woman’s attractiveness has nothing to do with how much she weighs. One number doesn’t determine a woman’s worth, okay? It’s sexist, it’s demeaning, and it says more about the people who think that than it does about my wife. I don’t care about her weight or dress size. The only thing I care about is what’s inside, and Paige is the most genuine and caring and loving woman I’ve ever met.”
Ryder is utterly convincing, his expression somber, his voice earnest. I wonder if his wife knew about the deal between him and his father from the beginning, and if not, what she thinks about it now. Or maybe she doesn’t care, because she has Ryder Reed and she’s in love with him.
Maybe if I could just pretend that I never saw the article, I might be able to relive the happiness from my weekend with Lucas for as long as our relationship lasts. But I have my pride. I will not be deceived or used.
I still don’t understand why Lucas didn’t just go to Faye. The woman is absolutely gorgeous, and I’m sure she’d be more than willing to marry him. I saw the way she followed him with her eyes. He might believe what they have is platonic, but how she looked at him just isn’t how a woman looks at someone in the friend zone.
Maybe he doesn’t want to ask Faye because she’s not that kind of woman, just like my dad didn’t leave his wife, Sondra, hanging because she isn’t the kind of woman men treat that way. She’s the kind men woo and marry and treat like a queen. It’s like this aura she projects.
When Bennie and I chat on Skype, I tell him this. He shrieks and glares at me. “Ava Huss, you did not just say that!”
“Calm down, Bennie.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I’m not going to sit quiet while you bad-mouth yourself!”
I cringe. Maybe I should’ve mulled things over in the peace of my own room.
“For fuck’s sake, Ava! Why the hell would you think shit like that?” He raises a hand, palm out. “No, don’t answer. I know why. That fucking Lucas. I’m so going to send a platoon of ninjas to gut his ass!”
“Okay, Bennie, I ge—”
“Your asshole dad treated you and your mom that way because he was an asshole. Not because there’s something wrong with you. You’ve been moping for a week now, girl! What are you going to do? Just curl up and wait for a man to treat you right, or say fuck all this and treat yourself right? Huh?” He finally starts to calm down a little. “Nobody loves you like yourself. Well, except me. I love you.”
“I know.” I smile wanly.
“You’ve lost weight. Don’t starve yourself over that worthless piece of shit.” Bennie takes a breath. “I swear, we need better cuss words for assholes like Lucas.”
“You swear that you need better cuss words?”
“Shut up.” But he finally smiles. “Look, do what you need to feel better. But don’t forget you’re a fantastic, worship-worthy woman. If Lucas can’t see that, it’s on him, not you. Don’t let some brainless fool destroy your self-esteem. You’re a fabulous human being!”
Bennie’s the really fabulous one here. “Oh, Bennie, if only you were hetero. We’d make beautiful music together.”
“Or if you were gay. No, wait. That wouldn’t work.” We laugh and hang up.
The next day—which happens to be day number eight since the article was published—I get up early, shower and put on a pink long-sleeved shirt and jeans. They hang loosely. Bennie’s right about the weight loss, but I just haven’t had any appetite.
But that’s all over now. No more Pathetic Ava. I didn’t come back to America to leach off Ray and Darcy. I want to be someone they’ll be proud of. And I want to be a role model for Mia, even if she never knows I’m her mother.
Hiding in my room is not going to achieve any of these things.
I fire up my computer and answer the medical center email with an affirmative for a phone interview. I don’t think anything will come of it—there must be a qualified candidate who’s closer—but why not? Then I upload my résumé to a few more places.
Once I’m done, I go downstairs. Ray and Darcy are reading next to each other on the couch and they look up almost simultaneously in surprise. I haven’t been downstairs much in the last week.
“Good morning,” Ray says in a careful but cheery voice. “You want some breakfast? We have coffee and I’m about to make pancakes.”
“Both, if you don’t mind.”
Ray beams. “Of course not. I’d be delighted.”
Darcy immediately jumps to her feet and offers me a fresh mug of coffee. Ray whips up breakfast quickly, as though he’s afraid that if he takes too long I’ll change my mind. Their kindness brings a fresh wave of tears, and I wipe them away. I’m going to be okay—I have amazing people in my life. I don’t need Lucas to make things work.