“Yes.” Before my best friend can launch into a rant as to why what I’ve done is beyond the pale, I add, “It was the first time he made himself really vulnerable. I think he’s changed. The accident and the two years apart made him different. And—foolish as it sounds—I want to try again.”
“He broke your heart!”
“I know. And I’m scared that he’s going to do it again. But you know what scares me more?”
Bennie’s face is tight. “What?”
“That if I turn him down now, I may regret it for the rest of my life. You know, wondering what if? What if I’d been braver? What if I’d just let myself open up, just a little bit?”
“Ava, you’re playing right into his fucked-up mind game. He wants you to feel all these things so he can control you. And despite his having been a contemptible fuckhead, you’re going to reward him anyway?”
Placing a shaky hand on my forehead, I exhale long and hard. “You may be right. But I can’t help that my heart believes he’s sincere.”
“Was he sincere when you told him about Mia?”
“Uh…not exactly…”
Bennie stares at me intently. “You haven’t told him.”
“No. Not yet.”
“You won’t have to tell him if you two stay apart. But if you get involved again, you’ll have to. Have you thought about the fallout?”
No, I haven’t. I’ve been too wrapped up in me and Lucas. Guilt knots my chest. What kind of person does that make me?
Bennie isn’t finished. “If he doesn’t care about Mia, then you’ve got the wrong guy. If he does, you’re with the right kind of man, but…he’s going to totally disrupt her existence.”
My head starts to throb. God, what a mess! I don’t know where to start unraveling it.
I rub my temples and finally say, “You’re making this too complicated. I’m going to have a relationship with Lucas, not go to a confessional. He doesn’t need to know everything.” I exhale roughly. “Mia isn’t even really his baby now.”
Bennie keeps glaring at me. “You tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, but you and I both know the truth. What are you going to tell Darcy and Ray? Do they know what you’re planning to do?”
“No.” I place a hand over my twisting belly. “I haven’t had a chance to tell anyone anything.”
“If you want to keep things secret, you’re going to have to cut Darcy and Ray out of your life, or you’re going to cost them Mia. Losing her would be worse than the miscarriage.”
I feel my vision dim at Bennie’s negativity. I can’t handle it right now. What I wanted from my friend was a bit of concern and a lot of “good luck”. But it looks like I’m only going to get the concern.
Bennie knows I would never cut Darcy and Ray out of my life. They were the ones who showed me that I could be more than my parents. They took in a teenager with horrible attitude problems and turned her into something that could pass for a respectable human being. Without them, I would’ve ended up a crack whore or something.
But even owing them as much as I did, I stayed somewhat aloof, not asking for their help while in college because I was too scared of being turned down. It was nicer to pretend I had people who cared about me instead of putting that fantasy to the test.
It wasn’t until I was adrift and pregnant that I had no choice but to turn to them. My lack of judgment…and only the sweetest understanding and support from them… Just thinking about it still makes my heart fill with gratitude and love.
Because I know what wonderful people they are and how much they wanted to have a child of their own, I let them adopt Mia so she can have the lovely life and opportunities that I never had growing up. And unlike some random adoption agency couple, if they raise Mia I can watch her grow up. I love seeing how she thrives, basking in their love and care.
“You’re right. Things are not ideal,” I say. “No matter who I end up with, I’m not going to have a perfect relationship. You know why? Because perfect relationships don’t exist. I know you don’t approve, Bennie, but it would mean a lot if you could just support me here. After all, you are my best friend.”
Bennie’s handsome face falls. He drags his fingers through his hair. “I know you want this to work. But I’m worried that if it doesn’t, I’ll be the one picking up the pieces and trying to put you back together. Like I did last time,” he says pointedly. “I can’t watch you suffer like that again.”
“Bennie…”
“But, I guess… If this is what’s going to make you happy…” He sighs. “Fuck it. You only live once, right?”
Fond emotions surge inside me. I wrap my arms around him. “Thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better friend.”
He hugs me back, enveloping me in his familiar, comforting warmth. “You’re welcome. I think you’re being very brave, and I admire you for it.”