“How in the world… Never mind. He has more spies than the CIA.”
“Justin didn’t hear it from Dad.” Dad would never reveal anything that could be twisted to make him look bad. He cares a great deal about his reputation. “But the Sterlings have their army of sycophants.” And those people tell the family whatever they want to know—sometimes even things nobody asks for—in an attempt to ingratiate themselves.
“It may be better that Nate Sterling knows,” Tolyan says finally. “Makes it easier to get through the first year.” The following silence means, Don’t care what happens after that.
“I’m not going to marry anyone for a painting.”
“Love is an illusion. Don’t you want what’s yours?”
“I do.” I’ll never lose what’s mine again. My freedom. My agency. I’d rather die first. “But marriage isn’t the solution. Not yet.”
I get up and look out the window at the city. Dawn is pinkening the concrete and steel sprawl.
“You’re right, though. Nate’s more or less perfect. I should want to marry him, but the idea of marriage leaves me cold.” The idea of marrying Nate twists my gut until I feel shaky. I turn to Tolyan. “Dominic King attended the event.”
“Yes. I saw him.”
“He swore he would strip me bare and expose me for what I am.”
“He’s going to regret that.” Tolyan’s voice is flat and absolute, like he’s stating the sun is round.
“Maybe. But when I saw him face to face, I realized something I hadn’t before.” The old wound throbs as another wave of regret and sorrow flows through me. You’d think after so long, I wouldn’t feel anything…but I do. “Ten years ago, I gave him my heart. When things ended between us, I never got it back.”
“Your heart isn’t the issue,” Tolyan says.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s the guilt and hate driving you both. Guilt because you lied. Hate because he was too weak.”
Maybe I’m more tired than I thought, because Tolyan isn’t making any sense. “I don’t hate him or think he was weak back then.”
“No. You feel the guilt. Hate is for him to feel—about himself. He hates himself for being weak and pathetic. If he’d been stronger, he would’ve been able to protect you. Instead…” Tolyan shrugs.
I shake my head. “You’re wrong. Even if he’d been stronger, he wouldn’t have wanted to protect me. He would’ve destroyed me back then.”
“You think that because you don’t understand men and their egos. He’s angry because he thinks you betrayed him, but trust me, the self-hate is deeper and far more insidious.”
“I want my heart back,” I say, changing the topic since I don’t want to argue over a point Tolyan knows nothing about. “I want it back so I can move on. So I can give it to a worthy man, get married, have children…experience ordinary happiness.” I look him in the eyes. “It’s been so long. Don’t I deserve that now?”
“You’ve never not deserved it, Lizochka.” He sounds almost sad…and regretful.
I shake my head. Tolyan doesn’t understand everything. How could he? I’m having a hard time sorting through it myself. There’re too many things between me and Dominic—love, adoration, admiration, pain, heartache, betrayal, mistrust…
But at the same time…at some point I need to shed the old weight of guilt, grief and injustice to live my life fully.
“How can I help, Lizochka?” Tolyan asks softly.
I finish my vodka. “I have a plan.”
Chapter Eighteen
Dominic
The trip to McLean, Virginia is tedious and long—five hours from LAX.
Still, the outcome should be worth the hassle.
Normally I wouldn’t set foot in the swanky neighborhood, where diplomats and politicians and other powerbrokers live. It isn’t my scene, and if I need to talk to a politician, I can just