“Kerri…”
“Dad was driving them to the hospital where Mom was in labor. She’d wanted them there so everyone could welcome me into the world. But…there was an accident on the way. Everyone in the car died instantly.”
Ethan’s hands on her tightened, and she welcomed the physical pain. It seemed so fitting, something she deserved. “Kerri, it was an accident.”
“They wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me. Three people would be alive now.”
“It’s not your fault, Kerri,” he insisted.
“Yes, it is. I was born three weeks early. If I had come on time, it might have been different, but no, I had to come early.” She looked at him with her eyes wide, so he’d know the truth. “Do you know what the worst thing is?”
He said nothing. She hadn’t expected him to answer.
“Mom couldn’t stand the sight of me. Neither could my grandparents. I was a constant reminder of what they’d lost. When I found out, I couldn’t stay any longer, knowing that I brought nothing but pain to everyone around me. I had to leave.”
Chapter Eighteen
CHRIST, ETHAN THOUGHT. Everything made so much sense now.
No wonder Kerri looked so sad whenever she saw children. No wonder she’d never spoken of her family. No wonder she’d tried to ignore her birthday and any other occasion that people generally celebrated.
Ethan had never had a child of his own, so he probably didn’t truly understand the depths of grief that parents experienced when they lost their children. But he couldn’t fathom how her mother could blame her for the loss of her husband and two sons. Kerri had been a newborn, just about to embark on life.
Her mother should’ve been stronger. For her sake.
He held Kerri tightly, letting her cry, willing her to let go of the pain. The hot tears on his shirt seemed to scald his skin. He wanted to absorb all her darkness and grief.
“Kerri, listen to me. It’s not your fault.” His voice cracked, and he took a moment to compose himself. “You can’t go through life blaming yourself for what happened. It was an accident.”
She shook her head, crying harder. Ethan hurt for her, the pain sharp and twisting. Something that should’ve been a great day of joy had turned into a day of sorrow for Kerri…and he felt a huge rage against her family build.
“Kerri, it’s not your fault.”
She shook her head again.
He took her face between his hands and tipped it upward so she could see his eyes. “Kerri. It’s not your fault. Say it.”
“But it is my fault,” she sobbed out, her voice rough. “And Mom knew it. I wish she’d just told me everything instead of letting me spend my entire childhood trying to earn her love and approval. I’m sure every time she saw me she wished I’d never even been conceived.”
How much had her mother grieved to create such despair and sorrow in Kerri? He couldn’t even imagine growing up in a household where he was unwanted. His family had issues—what family didn’t?—but everyone knew they were loved and that they could count on each other. Kerri hadn’t even had that, and it was a wonder she hadn’t crumpled. He kissed her mouth, salty with her tears. “Well I, for one, am glad you were born. I’m glad you’re brave and courageous enough to overcome everything life has thrown at you and survive. You’re a survivor, Kerri. You’re stronger than anything else that’s been trying to beat you down. You’re a fucking miracle.”
She laughed humorlessly. “A miracle? That’s a first.”
“What else could you possibly be? Despite it all, you’re a lovely woman who cares. You’re smart and carved out a good life for yourself. You never used your past to get sympathy. You just kept your chin up and carried on. If that’s not freaking amazing, I don’t know what is.”
“You’re biased.” She sniffed.
“Doesn’t mean I’m not right.”
Ethan also realized that he’d been mistaken about what had initially caught his attention the first place. It hadn’t been the sorrow in her eyes or her elusiveness. It had been her strength, her spirit. It made her go on, no matter how unfairly life treated her and tried to beat her down.
He had thought he could make her stick around for a while, until they got tired of each other. That, too, had been a huge mistake. He wanted her to stay forever.
Ever since Lisa, he’d purposely gone for bubbly women who had their acts together and laughed easily. They wore impeccable makeup and dressed fashionably. Yet none of his exes could compare to Kerri, even with her mascara smudged and running, her nose red and her lips pale.
He sucked in a breath, feeling like he’d been punched in the stomach. How in the world…when had it happened? He was in love with this woman, this beautiful, stubborn, headstrong woman who humbled him with her strength.
He kissed her gently, a comforting kiss that said that even if the entire world turned its back on her, he’d be there. He’d fight anyone and everyone to keep her safe and cherished. He never wanted her to feel alone and unwanted or doubt how precious she was.