Rule #3: Never let a friend go into a bathroom alone.
Hmm… Most of the Single Girl Rules made perfect sense. But this one… This one was a real head-scratcher.
“Teddybear!” I yelled.
He cracked the door and poked his head in. “Yes?”
“I need your help.”
“Of course.” He licked his lips to moisten them and then got on his knees by my bed.
“I like the way you think. But that will have to wait. My mind is too preoccupied by a most unsolvable quandary.”
“Oh.” He stood up, looking rather disappointed. “If you need help with calculus, you’ll have to wait for Ghost to return with breakfast.”
I laughed. Why in the world would I still be learning calculus? I was a freshman in college, not a sixth-grader. “It’s Single Girl Rule #3: Never let a friend go into a bathroom alone. What could that possibly mean?”
“That’s just classic girl code.”
I stared at him.
“You know… To protect each other from being raped. Or kidnapped. You of all people should understand that quite well after last night.”
I shook my head. “You’re starting to sound like Ghost with all this kidnapping talk. But the Single Girl Rules wouldn’t include such a dark and gloomy rule. They’re about living your best life. Not living in fear.”
“Then maybe it’s in there because the bathroom is a perfect place to gossip about guys. Or to help each other fix your makeup?”
“Well now you’re just being ridiculous. Because there’s nothing to gossip about until you’ve run off to bang a hot stud in the bathroom. Same goes for makeup. Why fix it if a delicious cumshot hasn’t ruined it yet?”
“In that case, maybe it’s just a really roundabout way for the rules to suggest that you spice it up and bang guys in more unique locations. And then you can run to the bathroom after to talk about it.”
“Oooh. So it’s saying to have more sex in public? I freaking love that.” My mind started spinning with all the best public sex places on campus. “Oooh. Tonight you should bend me over that adorable little fountain on the green.”
His eyes lit up. But then his face fell. “I’m not sure Chad would appreciate that.”
“What does he have against fountains? I guess we could do it in a lecture hall instead. Oh! Like we were teaching a sex position class. Now that would be a class worth attending. Unlike English.”
“It wasn’t the fountain that I thought Chad would take issue with.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“He’s your boyfriend.”
“And…?” I asked.
“And he’d be pissed if you cheated on him.”
“Who said anything about cheating? It’s not like I’m going to fire you and take you out to a romantic dinner first.”
“Is that what it would take to make it cheating?”
“Yes. Well, maybe. It would still be a kind of a gray area since Chad would get to watch. And I have some hall passes that I could use. AND I’d obviously ask Chad to fuck me against the fountain first. But I alre
ady know he’d pass.”
Teddybear looked shocked. “How could he possibly say no to that? Sounds like someone has a bad case of stage fright.”
“Hmmm…kinda. What’s the opposite of that?”